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Original poster

Awkwardness with neighbour

59 replies

23hol · 26/08/2023 12:38

I know IABU so please don't come at me. Looking for advice more than anything.

DH & I have lived in flats in cities for a decade or so (where nobody had much to do with their neighbours, in my experience). We've now bought our first home, a 3-bed detached, as youngish professionals in our 30s in a leafy suburb where most people around us are at least double our age. I'm sure the neighbours are retired - theres a fence & bush separating our backgardens, and have on occasion heard them have their dinner outside this summer.

Now for the awkward bit - I have never spoken to them. The longer it gets, the more awkward I feel. For context, we moved in beginning of this year so its been about 6 months (but they may think its been longer, the previous owners moved out about 9-10months ago and were close with the neighbours). DH cuts the grass with headphones in but has said hello (he also doesn't get my issue). For months, I genuinely didn't see them. Not hugely surprising as I work awkward hours (night shifts etc) and therefore often sleep most of the day. Its not a good time to stop and chat before/after a 12hr shift so admittedly I walk straight to/from the car (though I dont think I saw them on these quick dashes). I do recall seeing them once however but this was a day I finished work mid-afternoon and drove home in tears, they were in their front garden and I didnt want that to be our first meeting so I genuinely drove past my own house, went to get petrol, wiped the tears and came home by which time they werent there (bad day, work-related). I'm fine in social situations but lack the confidence to go knock and say hi - I genuinely find this hugely awkward.

The issue now is, whilst both of us were at work, I've had a note to say a parcel has been delivered to #26. Looked this up, wanted it to be anyone but them, but its them.

What do I do now? I know the obvious thing would be to go knock on their door but I cant tell you how awkward/anxious this makes me feel (completely unreasonable I know). Any suggestions? DH is currently away, not back till Monday, I could ask him but I want to be able to deal with what is really a minor non-issue. Advice? Please be gentle.

OP posts:
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Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 21:00

DH was getting back from his long cycle ride just as the postie left, neighbours passed it to him - he took it in to the garage, forgot to mention it to me and left for his weekend away. I didnt think to ask him, why would I - I'd noticed a red card through the door, hes away, I fully assumed its at #26 and I didnt want to tell him I feel ridiculous going over to knock (although i did contemplate messaging him to say would be mind getting it on his return, but saw posts on here about how it can get stressful/annoying having a neighbours parcel for longer than a few days and I didnt know when it was delivered it could have been a day or 2. Long weekend, didnt want to be any more of a nuisance to the neighbours and the rational part of my brain said I really ought to just go over..) Perhaps on his return I'll tell him I've finally said hi etc.

OP posts:
TicTacNicNak · 26/08/2023 20:11

Glad you got that over with OP. Don't worry about the rest of the family. No-one expects to be introduced to everybody, just wave and say hi if you see any of them.

Of course, we all now need to know why the neighbour didn't have your parcel any longer. What had they done with it?

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 19:59

Thanks everyone! Sorry for the cliffhanger - had to genuinely leave the house basically straight after and just got back, good job I didnt leave it playing on my mind this whole time.

The "funny" bit (sorry not that comical) - they didn't even have the parcel anymore!!

Nevermind and definitely glad that first conversation is now out the way, there was also a fair bit of chat. Felt great afterwards in a relief kind of way, had to leave, now back and cant help but think - oh no, only spoke to one member of that household, the awkwardness will still remain with others. I really wish my brain wasn't like this.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 26/08/2023 18:44

Well done! Enjoy that freed up bit of headspace! 😁

Bonbon21 · 26/08/2023 17:49

Yey!!
Well done!!
Now we want to hear the funny story please!!

hoophoophooray · 26/08/2023 17:46

I have never met my neighbours on one side in the 14 years we've lived here. They are at right angles to us so the bottom of their garden is the side of ours, and it's just never come up.

surreygirl1987 · 26/08/2023 17:41

Oh wait, you did it! Yay! Well done!

surreygirl1987 · 26/08/2023 17:40

Oh bless you, I totally get it. That's me all over. Just do it - otherwise you'll be anxious about it till you do...

LadyBiker · 26/08/2023 17:02

Well done, OP!

neilyoungismyhero · 26/08/2023 16:28

A neighbour knocked on my door the other day for her parcel. We've been here on and off for 16 years. We don't know each other nor have we spoken or made eye contact. Her husband is nice enough.
I laughed about this and she introduced herself..she is frankly, weird. It wasn't awkward though she took her parcel and still doesn't acknowledge me the status quo has been restored! They're neighbours not friends, don't build it up to be a big deal.

GuardiansPlayList · 26/08/2023 16:22

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 12:45

I don't understand the problem.

I totally understand the problem.
I know my neighbours but still find it hard to say hello as I am painfully shy. If I know they are out there I will hide until they have gone.
I can do a smile and a nod but find speaking very difficult.

jackstini · 26/08/2023 16:16

Well done!
Looking forward to the funny story later...

LadyMargaretDevereux · 26/08/2023 16:03

Thank goodness!

Talipesmum · 26/08/2023 15:04

Well done OP!

bladebladebla1 · 26/08/2023 15:00

23hol · 26/08/2023 12:50

Thanks for all the comments. To those saying you don't understand - you obviously haven't suffered with (social) anxiety like this, I am envious. I know it's irrational. I think if this was the first week or month etc I wouldn't feel this way. It feels so so awkward as its been so long, but I know it will only feel more awkward the longer it gets, and thats why I want to deal with it and not delegate to DH when hes back. I guess I'm just asking for advice as to how. I know it may seem so trivial to most.

Oh just to clarify, the note wasnt from them just a standard one from the courier "we missed you, left your [1] parcel at #26"

I understand and I'm not even anxious. I get it, it's because it's been so long you feel and about it but they also havnt tried so you don't need to. Msg r take a bottle or something as a gift?

spiderlight · 26/08/2023 14:37

Well done! You sound a bit like me. It was months before we talked to our new neighbours and the longer it went the more awkward it felt, but I was totally overthinking it and it was fine in the end. Looking forward to the funny story when you get back!

Mountainpika · 26/08/2023 14:28

Well done!!!!!!

Original poster
23hol · 26/08/2023 14:24

Thanks everyone, I did it. Funny story though, can post it here but genuinely in a rush right now.

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 26/08/2023 14:07

Maybe try something I have learned from having hypnotherapy. Visualise. See yourself walking out of your door, going to the neighbours' house, as if you are an onlooker, knocking/ringing the bell. When they open, give them a big smile and say, "I think you have a parcel for me. Thank you so much for taking it in."
Then follow their lead, if they say more, reply, if not, take your parcel, big smile and another thank you and go home.
Repeat the visualisation, a number of times.
This approach worked for me in doing something that I was scared of.
Good luck.

Talipesmum · 26/08/2023 13:56

OP I do understand, anxiety can be crippling. But please be assured that it’s totally ok to pop round for the first time like this. Rehearse the words in your head - hi, I’m from next door, I think the postman left our parcel with you? Thanks so much, sorry if it was a day or two, I only just saw the card. Big smile. Leave.

if they say anything about nice to meet you, you can say “you too! I work night shifts so I’m hardly ever around. Thanks again”.

Also I might recommend the Adrift podcast with Geoff Lloyd and Annabel Port - there’s a long running theme of social anxiety, people write in with their quandaries, exactly this sort of thing. And while it’s funny, they do take it seriously too - they know anxiety and social awkwardness are real and have it too. It might help you hear other examples and feel not alone, as well as a few practical suggestions.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/08/2023 13:56

23hol · 26/08/2023 13:33

@Boomboom22 the thought of being there "for ages" makes me feel sick. I wish I wasn't like this.

Then prep your escape.

I understand not being very sociable but I don't understand why you are pressuring yourself to want to be sociable.

Loads of people are introverts who don't socialise with randoms. It's fine. So long as you can do the things you want and need to, so long as you're not lonely, this neighbour can be a stranger til the day you die.

Have you read 'Quiet Girl in a Noisy World'?

TherealmrsT · 26/08/2023 13:55

I think you are focussing on difference in age when you probably have more in common than difference (e.g. you live in the same place, and perhaps go on holiday/use public transport). I am 50s and chat to both neighbours in 30s and 70/80s. It's nothing meaningful....how are you/bit wet today etc. I try to say hello to everyone I pass on the street (London zone 2) but dont stop to chat unless they talk to me.
I do drop a card into letterbox of new people on each side just to say hello and give our names.

Bleachedblondeswimmer · 26/08/2023 13:50

It’s worse to not collect it and leave it with a neighbour as they then have it sitting there and if never collected usually have to sort it being returned.
I live in a block of flats in a city and we take parcels in for each other . Occasionally it’s left for a bit longer than a few days and it then gets stressful to have someone’s parcel . So I’d go today , say you work shifts as others said, thank them and say happy to take in for them .

Don't leave it till DH is back, they will see you about and it’s more annoying .

but no need for life histories, thank them and just brief intro and shifts so not always around.

btw what work do you do ? Perhaps try to think of it as a professional interaction rather than social .

TheShellBeach · 26/08/2023 13:44

Actually, I've got a new neighbour, and I took her some grapes when she moved in, and went and had a cup of tea with her.
Unfortunately, on my birthday, she annoyed me, and we haven't spoken since.
I doubt if she cares. I certainly don't.

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 26/08/2023 13:42

Clearly, you can never collect your parcel from them as you will feel ‘awkward’. It’s a shame, but…..