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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling sad for my son. AIBU?

107 replies

User4847484982 · 25/08/2023 08:01

NC for this.
So I come from a very small family, it was only my mum and two grandparents, both have passed away now. I have very close and good relationship with my mum, she lives in mainland Europe.
And then I met my DP. He has quite a big family, both parents and 3 siblings, all of whom have a children of their own. His parents and sister lives outside of the UK, his 2 brothers are in London. Despite of this his family is absolutely the worst, according to DP. They are not close at all, they have their problems, which I’m not gonna go into, they just kinda like a bunch of strangers to each other.
His mum and sister is lovely tho and we always have a small chat when DP calls them, he sends them pictures of our DS.
So now our DS comes into the picture. He’s 3. And there are days when I feel incredibly sad for him, that he won’t have any of the “normal family stuff”. From my side he has only grandma and from his dads side…well no one really. And sadly none of them really cares about him too. His grandma lives too far, his grandpa is an a*, his uncles and their kids don’t care about him and basically are strangers to him. Even when he was born all we got was and WhatsApp message saying Congratulations.
My DS will never have a joy of big family gatherings, playing with his uncles, his cousins, his grandparents, visits, days out, nothing. I’m just feeling so incredibly sad that he will grow up and potentially look back at his life like there was no one there basically, only me and his dad.
And I shed many many tears about this, looking at his sweet innocent face and knowing that so many things he won’t experience because of this. And somehow sometimes I feel that it’s my fault, why did I choose this man to have a family with.

AIBU for feeling the way I’m feeling?

OP posts:
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Comedycook · 26/08/2023 17:24

BalletBob · 25/08/2023 11:04

I think this is very unfair. Of course there are lots of benefits and joys that come with having a large, close-knit and healthy wider family. That doesn't mean that people who have smaller families are automatically unhappy, but it's completely reasonable and understandable for OP to feel that she wishes her child could benefit from some of the positives of a big, happy family. And it's also a reasonable consideration when you're choosing a partner to start a family with. It's sensible to think about practicalities and bigger picture stuff. It's obviously too late for that now, but clearly it's coming from a place of concern for her son. She's not a monster for having that thought.

I really hate when people try and invalidate the feelings and experiences of others by pointing out that they are "lucky" in comparison to someone else, in this case children in "abusive, violent homes". It's not a race to the bottom. There's always someone - probably millions of people - much worse off, but we are still allowed to feel negative emotions about our own situations. Everybody does.

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Totally agree with this. Trying to convince the op that having a big family is an awful thing and she's lucky is really disingenuous. Having wider, extended family can be really a positive, life enhancing thing.

OleMioSole · 26/08/2023 15:02

BalletBob · 25/08/2023 11:04

I think this is very unfair. Of course there are lots of benefits and joys that come with having a large, close-knit and healthy wider family. That doesn't mean that people who have smaller families are automatically unhappy, but it's completely reasonable and understandable for OP to feel that she wishes her child could benefit from some of the positives of a big, happy family. And it's also a reasonable consideration when you're choosing a partner to start a family with. It's sensible to think about practicalities and bigger picture stuff. It's obviously too late for that now, but clearly it's coming from a place of concern for her son. She's not a monster for having that thought.

I really hate when people try and invalidate the feelings and experiences of others by pointing out that they are "lucky" in comparison to someone else, in this case children in "abusive, violent homes". It's not a race to the bottom. There's always someone - probably millions of people - much worse off, but we are still allowed to feel negative emotions about our own situations. Everybody does.

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Are you aware of what AIBU stands for?

Devonshirelass · 25/08/2023 14:08

With all kindness, you need to get a grip. I grew up with just my parents and brother (who regarded me as his annoying little sister and who I had little contact with even as a child) and it was fine! I was happy with just mum and dad. I knew no different so why would it bother me?

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 25/08/2023 13:40

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2023 13:36

Relatives can be an absolute pain. Not everybody has a great experience. Some are awful.

Comedycook · 25/08/2023 13:33

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Uncalled for

JusthereforXmas · 25/08/2023 13:28

I grew up just me and my mam and I had a FANTASTIC childhood, it fell apart when other people got involved (step family).

if you are a good loving mam then YOU are enough.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/08/2023 13:28

Your DS has you and his father. That’s already a lot and arguably the most important thing!

it sounds like he also has a nice grandma somewhere in Europe (summer holidays? Christmas) and maybe an other grandma and aunt that he may have a somewhat distant but friendly relationship with.

quality over quantity when it comes to family. Saying this as somebody with a fairly large family, am very very low contact with quite a few people (and an entire “branch”, so to speak)

BLT24 · 25/08/2023 13:21

Snake a big effort with your own Mum to ensure he has a close relationship with a grandparent. He’s got 3 close relatives the same as you,
did you feel sad about it growing up? We supply just accept what we have as kids and don’t worry about what other parole are doing.

Also is there anyway you could lake the effort to take him to see any of your DH family, even if the effort is not reciprocated he may well get on well with them as build relationships from there.

Also just make loads of effort to get out and about if you can and make a close curl I’d of friends for your LO, lots of hobbies, goes to school, invite other kids over for play dates etc

SomethingBlues · 25/08/2023 13:20

I understand where you’re coming from here. I’m an only and my husband has no nieces or nephews and his birth family is…. Questionable at best. I have cousins but I’m only in contact with 2 out of 6 of them as the other four are not nice at all. My paternal uncle I want less than nothing to do with because he is just an evil abusive man.

im very conscious that my daughter is a bit on her own so we have created our own family - our best friends are like us and we make our own rag tag family and the kids play and we share christmas and the big ‘family occasions’. They are very close and it’s lovely to see.

we can’t help the families we are born into but we are lucky that we have had the opportunity to pick and choose and build our own extended family with people who put in as much effort for us as we do for them.

Richmondgal · 25/08/2023 13:19

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Richmondgal · 25/08/2023 13:17

I am a very happy only child thanks

MarshmaIIow · 25/08/2023 13:16

Yanbu.
I'm in a similar boat. I have two kids (12, eight), and am separated from their father.
I have one half-cousin who keeps in touch and sends cards occasionally, but she is a recluse and my kids have only met her once. That is the extent of my family in this country.

Their father isn't close with his siblings, they live 500 miles away anyway. My kids therefore do have cousins, but hardly see them. They do have paternal grandparents, again 500 miles away, and they don't seem interested in my children.

I have cousins in Australia, there are three sisters, with six daughters between them. They are so close, the cousins are all close, they are always posting photos on FB of all their family gatherings. I know what my kids are missing, as I too grew up without family, and I think it's such a shame. It regularly makes me feel sad for my kids. Just have to get on with it though. I am a good mother to them, they are utterly adored by me, so I have to count our blessings that they at least have this.

bridgetreilly · 25/08/2023 13:15

Build a community where you are. Make proper friends who become like family for you and for him. Stop focusing on what he doesn’t have and think about everything you can give him. Including siblings.

XelaM · 25/08/2023 13:10

My best friend is one of 4 siblings and one of them is her twin! She is much much closer to me than to her family 😅

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2023 13:09

OleMioSole · 25/08/2023 08:37

YABVVU OP.
You and his dad are his PARENTS, it's not 'basically no one'. Many kids don't even have that or if they do, abusive, violent homes. Your DS is very lucky. He has all he needs.
He's not going to miss things he never had.

Also you can make adult friends, some of my best memories are being taken out with family friends.

Stop moping and blaming your DH. It's very insulting actually to say you wouldn't choose him because of his family if he's a good husband and father.

I agree. You can choose who you do extended hols etc with - do it with your friends and their kids- you have so much choice. So much better than being forced to spend time off work with in laws you may not like

XelaM · 25/08/2023 13:09

My daughter has loads of cousins but doesn't like any of them and never wants to spend any time with them. She much prefers her friends whom she actually chose 🤷‍♀️

truthhurts23 · 25/08/2023 13:06

i felt the same, until i remembered how over rated the family thing is,

i grew up with alot of " family" dad had 12 siblings all had 2-5 kids each, mum had 6 siblings all had 2-3 kids
we all grew up together, family gatherings, holidays, cousins running around,
ask me how many i talk to now? zero

its the same thing with siblings, some people feel sad for only children,
but some people with siblings dont even like eachother, theyre not inbuilt friends
ive got 3 brothers , 2 sisters, not close,
family only communicate at christmas or when a death happens

it would be nice to have involved grandparents and surrounded by family but not evryones so lucky,
or you can just have a big family yourself , have more kids

MadamePickle · 25/08/2023 13:01

I've got similar v small family - estranged from my father's side of the family completely, my mother is an only child and I don't know any of her extended family. I've got one much younger sibling that I haven't seen in almost 20 years who my children have never met, oh and my mother moved abroad when my youngest was 3 and they barely know her. It is what it is. OH has a bigger family but the contact, although friendly, really isn't that frequent. I think that the big family that live in each other's pockets is a bit of a glossy TV ideal really. Lots of people are in the same boat as you. It's just as normal for a family to not get on/be small as it is for one to be big and close. OH and I and our children are close as a family unit, we enjoy each other and make the most of it. That's all you can do.

Blinkingbonkers · 25/08/2023 13:00

I am one of 4 siblings and dh is also one of 4. We only see one of my siblings (the rest of both his & mine are in different continents/don’t care). Kids only have one living grandparent (who we do see regularly which is great). It’s one of those things you can’t predict and doesn’t always go to plan. Just make the most of what you have, your child won’t know any different!

originaltastecoke · 25/08/2023 12:38

OleMioSole · 25/08/2023 08:37

YABVVU OP.
You and his dad are his PARENTS, it's not 'basically no one'. Many kids don't even have that or if they do, abusive, violent homes. Your DS is very lucky. He has all he needs.
He's not going to miss things he never had.

Also you can make adult friends, some of my best memories are being taken out with family friends.

Stop moping and blaming your DH. It's very insulting actually to say you wouldn't choose him because of his family if he's a good husband and father.

Inclined to agree with this.

Bellyblueboy · 25/08/2023 12:34

the into regret I have about not having children is that my niece and nephew don’t have cousins on this side of the family.

I do lots with them - holidays, days out etc. but I always guilty that when I host Christmas they are the only children.

we all have insecurities and I don’t think any family is perfect.

you son is loved and secure. You will give him an amazing life and while you will focus on what is missing her will focus on what he has

Longlive · 25/08/2023 12:34

I'm one of 5, 4 of us have children, making 11 in total, but we live all over the world, none of the cousins really know each other, and my mum died before most of the grandchildren were born anyway. I can only remember once in all the childhood years when three of the families were together for Christmas.

It's not that we are not close, we just live to far away from each other.

Back2front · 25/08/2023 12:34

This will be normal for your son as it's what he will grow up with. Big families aren't all great - look at your husband's. Often they're fraught with family politics. Your son needs you, his Dad and if he's also got your mum, excellent. That's plenty enough.

Cardboardcup · 25/08/2023 12:34

Not unreasonable but it’s not uncommon. I have a big family, nephews, nieces etc and I don’t talk to any of my brothers and sisters . I fell out with my sister over 15 years ago, the others have all just drifted away. We all live with 20-30 minutes if each other too 😂 My kids don’t know their cousins. It doesn’t bother them at all. I don’t know many families that have big family get togethers.