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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited

41 replies

Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 15:35

Hi all,

I’d be interested to get some outside perspectives on this..

I’m married with 2 young children, so is my brother. We both have similarly aged children. In the case of my children his children are the only cousins they have, they do enjoy playing together when we meet up.

one of my nieces is about to have her second birthday party, but my family are not invited. A large number of my sister in laws family will be there, but only my mum and dad from my brothers side of the family. We also were not included in a similar party they had for my niece last year. Since then we invited them to my sons birthday party, yet we continue to not be invited 🤔.

also, when we do meet up with them the plan always starts off with it being the 4 of them and the four of us. But somehow there’s always some reason my sister in law can’t attend at the last minute. So my brother attends with his elder daughter but the younger one doesn’t come. I feel sorry for my younger child missing out on having a playmate at these get together, and it just feels a bit offensive when it happens every time! Plus I can tell from social media that they’re often meeting up with my sister in laws family, and family friends they have as a whole family. It seems to just be my family that they struggle to meet up with all together. Incase it’s relevant we only aim to have these meet ups 2-3 times a year, and live about an hour apart.

genuinely not sure what I’ve done wrong. I thought I had a decent relationship with my sister in law, she will occasionally reach out over text to chat. I try to be friendly and nice to her.

so question is what do I do? I worry that if I say anything to my brother it’ll be seen as me ‘rocking the boat’. And what can he really say? But honestly I find it very hurtful, and am considering just investing less in my relationship with my brother and distancing from him to avoid what feels like repeated rejections.

so YABU- not a big deal that they don’t want to have whole family meet ups with you.

YANBU- it is hurtful to be excluded from things like family birthday parties repeatedly with no explanation, and not be able to spend time together as an extended family at the weekend.

OP posts:
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TizerorFizz · 24/08/2023 21:00

@Notinvited85 My DDs are much older then their cousins. They are not close. They hardly see them for all sorts of reasons. My DD1 was at uni and both her aunts visited the city for a short holiday with cousins as well. No one contacted DD to ask her to meet up with them. DD only found out they were staying two streets away after they posted photos on FB when they got back home. You just find out where you stand the hard way. We don’t blame the cousins but my DD was an irrelevance to them.

BLT24 · 24/08/2023 21:00

I would definitely ask your brother and your parents. I can’t believe your parents havnt alreaud brought this up to be honest, I’d want to know why my other child and my grandchildren have not been invited to family events.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for your SIL to prefer her own family. What’s not reasonable is for her to exclude you or not make any effort to meet up. I m sorry but this isn’t really anything to do with her preferring her family as you say they regularly meet up with friends too. I definitely think there is an issue with you, your DH or your children.

If they deny it perhaps one way to find out is arrange to meet up in different combinations and see as a process of elimination you can work out which one of you she’s doesn’t like!!

Malificent1 · 24/08/2023 20:55

Just ask! Don’t play passive aggressive games like going quiet around the time of the party. Just ask him what’s going on.

GlowingUpTheHardWay · 24/08/2023 20:51

Im going through something similar with family at the moment and I really feel your pain. It's super hurtful but I've realised that you can't force someone to have a relationship with you. Gently distance yourself without any drama and see where you get to. It's hard because you want answers now now now and you're in a state of limbo whilst you don't know where you stand.... but I think you have to just accept that, for whatever reason, your kids won't have a close relationship with their cousins. They are the innocents in this and it's manifestly unfair on all of them... but there's not much you can do if there is apathy on the other side.

Theunamedcat · 24/08/2023 20:49

Perhaps ask your brother if you have upset her in any way because you have noticed she doesn't come when invited who knows it could be a simple misunderstanding if not then it's no great loss to just invite your brother in future and not your sil

Original poster
Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 20:39

I think it particularly hurts as mil is terminally unwell ( doesn’t recognise our children at all now), and there are no cousins at all for our children on DH’s side of the family. So I’d been hopeful that it would be a significant relationship, but yes I think it’s time to give up - or at least invest a lot less now.

to be honest, because things family wise are so bleak we are considering relocating in the next few years. It feels like a potential way to turn a negative ( our lack of family ties) into a positive. Through having the freedom to go where we think we could have the best quality of life as a family. Both my and DH’s jobs could be done elsewhere in the UK. We wouldn’t leave whilst MIL is still alive, but in 5 or so years would definitely consider it. Bit of an aside there!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 24/08/2023 20:17

But there is a difference between not being close and not inviting them to a family event with both sides present

I mean that is just rude!

SuperSleepyBaby · 24/08/2023 20:04

They obviously dont want to be close to you for whatever reason - do you have any friends with similar aged children that you could focus on instead?

its nice if family are close but there is no obligation-

wanderinginthegarden · 24/08/2023 19:56

I have the same.

Just don't make any effort at all anymore, and see if they do first, because I can imagine you are the one planning stuff with your brother!

I know it's hard but don't make them your children's "everything" so then they don't realise as they get older that they are basically "dads family" and not "proper family" :(

fedupnow2 · 24/08/2023 19:39

I would ask. Why put yourself and your kids being treated so badly if there is a reason? They clearly have some issue, your parents know too. Did they not question why you weren't invited last year as well? Clearly everyone knows and all playing the games so don't you think you deserve to know. Ask and then stop running after them. They sound awful treating you and your family like this.

burnoutbabe · 24/08/2023 19:33

I thibk I'd ask.

I'd just want the issue acknowledged so we know the score. Rather than keep inviting them over and being born out and then thinking "why won't she get the hint"

It's fine if they don't want to see you, but it's good to actually know that.

2chocolateoranges · 24/08/2023 18:57

I’d ask your brother what the problem is.

DandDoodlz67 · 24/08/2023 18:52

What do your parents say? Can you ask them about it? Surely they will have noticed this too? It sounds like she does possibly have some kind of issue but who knows what it is, has your youngest done anything? Or perhaps she’s had reason to keep away with the younger one such as illness or something?

SparkyBlue · 24/08/2023 18:38

OP this will not be about you at all but about SIL and her family. My lovely friend married into a similar family, like a PP said she doesn't see you as family. I bet her own family are very cliquey and live in each other's pockets.

Jap26 · 24/08/2023 18:29

We avoid my sil and her family as her middle child often hurt our younger children and if we dared to tell him to stop we would be told off. Therefore we decided to limit contact as much as we can. It's a shame but our children's wellbeing is our priority.

Maray1967 · 24/08/2023 18:27

I’d consider whether your DC has hurt or upset theirs. Or, as pp above says, could there be other reasons why she doesn’t want her DC or the younger one at least around yours?

If not, you need to ask your DB or your DM why you aren’t invited when her family are.

Original poster
Notinvited85 · 24/08/2023 18:23

I’d say our children are fairly well behaved. Definitely not boisterous- more on the overly anxious end of the spectrum if anything. We’re definitely stricter parents than they are. I try to actively make positive remarks ( when appropriate) to support their parenting style, so hopefully they don’t see me as judgemental but who knows!

thanks for your ideas everyone, it’s a sad situation.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 24/08/2023 17:58

Yes, I’d be offended too.
There must be a reason.
It could be that she feels your house isn’t safe, your boundaries are too lax or strict for her, your son is too boisterous, she could just be an arse.

if you phrase it as if you’re wanting to include her rather than asking why she’s excluding you. It will seem more positive when you ask your brother.

Thelonelygiraffe · 24/08/2023 17:56

Sounds like she doesn't like you or value you - and that she loves her family and prioritises them. Not really fair. Your brother should talk to her and change things.

I'd talk to him.

Winter2020 · 24/08/2023 17:42

Also are you considerably richer/better housed and she could be jealous?

Winter2020 · 24/08/2023 17:41

Do you have dogs?
E.g. one reason would be not wanting her child around dogs.

Do you smoke? Do you smoke in the house?

Is your house ordinary level of clean? Not grossly dirty and equally not so clean that no one dare walk or use a cup.

Do you/your partner swear a lot?
Are you or your partner very opinionated and pushing those opinions often.

Those are the things I can think of that make it hard to be around people.

MyBrewMyShoes · 24/08/2023 17:38

Are your kids well behaved?

OhmygodDont · 24/08/2023 17:28

I mean do you really want to know or do you want to be invited.

because odds are whatever the reason is it won’t help or will hurt.

TizerorFizz · 24/08/2023 17:21

Also why don’t your parents say something? Do they think it off? I’d ask them whet they think but not ask them to intervene.

Moonshine5 · 24/08/2023 17:19

OP I appreciate this must be hurtful because you are being clearly left out. It's a bit similar to gaslighting - everyone is pretending the relationship is normal but it's disingenuous. The simple fact is she wants low contact and your brother is supporting that. So yes 100% get on with your life. They will likely be wondering what your up to.
Stand up for yourself don't beg for their attention. Live your life and if you start overthinking do a monotonous activity like chopping veg.
Good luck, they don't deserve your kindness