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Original poster

Would you date a pedant?

112 replies

ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 12:18

DP's pedantry is really getting to me.

I spent a lot of time abroad and once accidentally used the American spelling for "gray". He knew what I meant. He knew I was picking the grey shirt. But yet I got a "?" and "did you mean the grey one?".

We know precisely ONE Cate. I was talking about going over to Cate's house for brunch as I do fairly frequently. Every time I get "Cate?" Hardly Cate Blanchett's house is it!

I have a friend whose name is pronounced an unconventional way. I say it the way she says it. Every time I bring up this friend he corrects the pronunciation to the "right" one. Sometimes he talks about how phonetically the way she pronounces it doesn't make any sense.

We have yet another delivery coming along next week. I said it's scheduled to arrive at around 1. He says I need to specify if it's 1pm if it's an afternoon delivery because "who knows". Confused

Every discussion basically devolves into an argument about semantics, it's boring.

YABU — This would not bother me.
YANBU — I couldn't date someone this pedantic.

OP posts:
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CantFindTheBeat · 24/08/2023 14:53

Do you have couple friends, OP? How do you get on when you're socialising together with other people?

Snowy2022 · 24/08/2023 14:49

ArcticPurple · 24/08/2023 14:03

WFH is truly a curse with this relationship. Was rushing to meet some deadlines today, and DP wants to borrow my iPad. I say it's on the bookshelf.

DP stands there and asks which part of the bookshelf it's on. We have 1 bookshelf in the living room with open shelves. It's not a big bookshelf and if he actually walked to it he'd find it within 1 minute or less. But no, he has to stand there asking me which shelf it's on etc. I don't bloody know. Everything has to be explained and clarified it never ends. Angry

Are you planning to marry this charmer?! You must be desperate. What if you get pregnant then babies- forget toddlers etc yet. I couldn’t live with someone like that.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/08/2023 14:48

XH sometimes corrected me when I was actually right. But he knew he must be right because decades ago when he first heard the word he looked it up and made a note of it. The fact that he'd miscopied it just never got through to him. It was written in the Magic Notes, therefore it must be correct. As for the dictionary, "you told me yourself they just make it up as they go along" (not at all what I'd said, but how he chose to interpret it). Why am I not still married to this prime specimen, you ask? (Yes, I did put the question mark at the end of that sentence. Sue me.)

He also used to whistle a few phrases of the Toreador March from Carmen, but always got one note wrong. Like, aaaaaargh.

AliceOlive · 24/08/2023 14:22

I wouldn’t answer that. “You’ll have to sort it out” or “I guess if you can’t figure it out you won’t be able to use my iPad”

TheCatterall · 24/08/2023 14:20

‘Dear pedant, the time it took you to ask which of part of our one and only bookcases the iPad was on - you could have gone over, used your eyes and be using it…

I wont be engaging in any pedantic, puerile or what I consider ridiculous conversations further and expect you as a somewhat fully functioning adult to use your power of vision and deduction and extraordinary logic to figure things out.

And as an aside - I will definitely be making all 1 o’clock appointments for you to be at AM rather than PM henceforth’

PedantScorner · 24/08/2023 14:10

@ArcticPurple , he was probably asking because a set of shelves with a back is a bookcase, and by saying bookshelf he was making a point because you used the wrong term.

He is an arse, constantly picking at you.

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 24/08/2023 14:03

WFH is truly a curse with this relationship. Was rushing to meet some deadlines today, and DP wants to borrow my iPad. I say it's on the bookshelf.

DP stands there and asks which part of the bookshelf it's on. We have 1 bookshelf in the living room with open shelves. It's not a big bookshelf and if he actually walked to it he'd find it within 1 minute or less. But no, he has to stand there asking me which shelf it's on etc. I don't bloody know. Everything has to be explained and clarified it never ends. Angry

OP posts:
Snowy2022 · 24/08/2023 10:37

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/08/2023 07:42

I just couldn't help myself and would take it further to wind him up.

Cate?
Yes, Cate Blanchett, we're besties on instagram now.

Gray? Did you mean grey?
No, no, the Gray, one that shade between puce and magenta, do make sure you find the right one.

1 pm you mean?
"No! Of course it's 1 am. Do be a dear and make sure you're awake for the delivery".

Be more annoying than him.

Are you my twin? I too would be tempted! Lol lol

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/08/2023 07:42

I just couldn't help myself and would take it further to wind him up.

Cate?
Yes, Cate Blanchett, we're besties on instagram now.

Gray? Did you mean grey?
No, no, the Gray, one that shade between puce and magenta, do make sure you find the right one.

1 pm you mean?
"No! Of course it's 1 am. Do be a dear and make sure you're awake for the delivery".

Be more annoying than him.

PedantScorner · 24/08/2023 05:53

I used to date someone who corrected me a lot, so I used to deliberately mispronounce things to keep him occupied.

neverenoughplants · 23/08/2023 22:50

What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively"

This is so frustrating, not least because he seems to be starting from the assumption that he's correct, and that he should be the one to teach you. (Which is really annoying and condescending)

I wonder how he would respond if you asked "why do you not want to communicate more effectively with me? I have told you that I find this really frustrating and it makes it really hard to have any kind of conversation with you. Why do you always assume I'm the one who has to learn from you? Why can't you just connect with me instead of editing everything I say?"

I can sympathise very much with you, I know this would drive me crazy and I wouldn't be able to tolerate it long term. If nothing changes, do you have enough in the rest of the relationship to feel happy/supported/loved? I think that's the biggest question I would ask myself. You deserve to feel happy and like an equal partner in the relationship, not talked down to.

Snowy2022 · 23/08/2023 22:14

Can he walk on water? Until then, he must humble himself on earth.
He thinks you are not intelligent-sorry.

I can write fast and make mistakes as time is money, so it is either that or you wait for months until I can write a perfect email. But then I have negotiated billion dollar settlements with an iron fist, so who cares! Far more life or death situations than to be on alert 24/7 at home ffs.

Jackienory · 23/08/2023 21:50

Read that as : would you marry a “peasant” 🤭

Adelstrop · 23/08/2023 21:43

It bugs me when one of my friends says ‘pacifically’ instead of ‘specifically’, and ‘I should of’ instead of ‘I should have’. That’s my problem and definitely not worth commenting on. I know what they mean. Your partner knows what you mean and is just rude. Think of what a lifetime of these comments will do to you before you go much further!

Sosotiredineedsleep · 23/08/2023 21:38

He would drive loopy! But I guess we all have our quirks. My DH's quirks are that a) he tells long boring stories in monotone. b) he faffs about before leaving the house! He's got a lot better on b)! My quirks are too numerous to mention!

I live with my DHs quirks cos I don't mind them really. They grate every now and again, but overall he's wonderful and they r minor. I assume he puts up with my quirks.

I've met some men recently and wonder how the hec their partners could put up with their particular quirks - one guy a bit like my DH boring stories but amplified 20 fold - zero social skills! I like him but couldn't live with him!

I guess you have to weigh up what you can live with. And if the rest outweighs this.

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 21:31

FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2023 21:30

What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively"

That is shockingly arrogant and condescending. And he sulks when you dodon’t want the benefit of his superior wisdom. Imagine how much worse he’ll
be when he’s older and grumpier.

It seems like we're at the older and grumpier stage already. Pre-covid he was like this but not this bad (maybe it's me wearing rose-tinted glasses?). He got exponentially worse after the covid days and here's where we're at now!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 23/08/2023 21:30

What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively"

That is shockingly arrogant and condescending. And he sulks when you dodon’t want the benefit of his superior wisdom. Imagine how much worse he’ll
be when he’s older and grumpier.

PedantScorner · 23/08/2023 21:29

Your DP isn't a pedant, he's an arse

sodthesodoff · 23/08/2023 21:29

See this rigidity would drive me insane

It's his way or else. Everyone else is crazy/stupid/imbeciles not worthy of his time.

That's not a good mindset. Well not if you want to maintain any sort of friendships/relationship

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 21:27

Does your partner understand you emotionally? If you need to vent about something, will he listen? Is he a kind person, and able to demonstrate that kindness in a way that feels kind and loving to you?

He's a kind person in general but emotionally I'd describe him as being a bit emotionally immature. It's an extension of "it's just facts, nothing personal". Like in the e.g. where I say I don't like to constantly be corrected. What I get in return is "why would you not want to learn" or "why would you not want to communicate more effectively" or "just because that's the way she pronounces her name doesn't make it phonetically right".

He complains that everyone is too emotional or wants to "stay stupid" for not being receptive to corrections but then he's the one that starts sulking when I ignore his corrections!

OP posts:
neverenoughplants · 23/08/2023 21:03

Brightredtulips · 23/08/2023 20:51

I couldn't live with that. My confidence would dive. He actually sounds autistic.

I was thinking the same thing. I once dated a guy who was exactly like this - it made having any conversation a minefield, because I always knew he'd find something to correct or pick on in what I was saying. It drove me mad, but it also just made me feel really unhappy, because I knew that his need to correct or nitpick would always come first (in his mind). He could never just sit and listen, sympathise, connect emotionally. I felt lonely in that relationship because I felt like he couldn't recognise when it was time to put the pedantry aside and have a normal conversation.

But anyway, yes I wonder if he may be on the autistic spectrum. My ex was. He was very clever, but as well as being pedantic and quite literal in his thinking, he didn't deal well with emotional concepts (or emotional needs).

I'm not sure if knowing or suspecting that would actually help, though! For me it helped me understand why he behaved that way, but didn't help me feel less lonely or disconnected.

Does your partner understand you emotionally? If you need to vent about something, will he listen? Is he a kind person, and able to demonstrate that kindness in a way that feels kind and loving to you?

808KateO · 23/08/2023 20:54

No, they drive me up the wall. No one likes a smart arse, as they say.

Brightredtulips · 23/08/2023 20:51

I couldn't live with that. My confidence would dive. He actually sounds autistic.

Original poster
ArcticPurple · 23/08/2023 20:49

gannett · 23/08/2023 15:11

I have pedantic tendencies but the need to constantly pick holes is a horrible trait. And despite being so up-himself about being "right" his inability to recognise that language is malleable, names are personal and semantics evolve with time and location makes him wrong, and quite stupid.

I could not last more than a couple of dates with a man who corrected me all the time. Which leads me to my number one question - how, OP, did you end up getting MARRIED to this tedious, narrow-minded person? I cannot believe he disguised this all through your dating period!

I used to brush it off as a quirk. I remember he once said it was “just facts, nothing personal, I don’t mind being corrected” and it wasn’t malicious — at the time he genuinely seemed to be bothered when something was “wrong” so I let it slide. Over the years it’s just got worse and worse and it’s now grating on me.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 23/08/2023 17:18

Fucking hell, I married one. I wouldn't recommend it. It becomes tiresome very quickly and wears away at your confidence to join in everyday conversation.