Advice on MIL

The key line in one of your messages @Maxmadgiraffe is this one:
"My husband just says to go along with what she says because it's just easier"

Except it isn't.
Your baby isn't easier the day after such an excursion to his mother's because their internal clock is all messed up, just because his mother wants it to be so.

You know your baby. If you brought your baby and if dinner was on the cards but MiL hadn't served it up by a certain time, leave. Be firm in that "No, Jane, we are leaving now. For the moment, Baby needs their sleep and we don't know how long that will continue for. We'll all see you again soon" and just leave.
The worst case scenario is that she will have to eat leftovers for a few more days than originally planned. She'll get all huffy that you're being silly but you know your child best. Before too long, you could have 'sleep' trained MiL not to invite you when your baby needs sleep. There is every possibility that when your baby reaches the age of 18 months or 2 yrs old that they will be waking up in the middle of the night (hopefully not) and then you will most graciously accept MiL's very generous offers of meals out etc.

I think you need to have a chat with your husband. If you let this continue it damages your relationship too much. Just keep it simple so that he gets it.

I don’t think it was that different 30 years ago . This is about respect and control
I am a Grandma . We brought our babies up as we saw fit and based on the advice professionals gave us at the time .
Things have moved on and now it’s your turn and your rules . Grandparents need to respect that .
I work around my DGD needs - making sure meals are ready when my DD requests & they leave when they wish . I want to see my DD and DGD happy & relaxed not stressed and tired .
Shes trying to regain control and this will only escalate if you don’t stand firm .

Tell her you will do as you please it is your baby and simply just leave before baby's bedtime, stand firm get up to leave say your goodbyes and go, don't let her call the shots. X

but he's had a life time of shit like this

I was nearly 60 before I was able to break the habit of appeasing my mother. And that was only because she was weak and in a wheelchair at that point, and the scared child in me realised she couldn't even attempt to control me any more.

Women will sympathise with me and understand, because I'm a woman. But a man? He'll get called all the names that DH had been called here. Mummy's boy, wet lettuce, namby pamby etc.

Also I would tell your DH that due to her antics and his lack of spine you will no longer be putting yourself in a position where she pulls these stunts. So no more dinner at hers. No more visits where she controls the end. He can go. You won't.

After a few times the blame will fall to you.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

So stop making it easier.
He's throwing you under the bus because she's more hard work. So be harder. Make it so he turns to her and tells her to go along with you to make it easier.

Your DH needs to grow a pair. Your baby, your choice in how you raise her. I'd leave him with his mammy while you get yourself home and put your baby to bed at the time you choose.

Granny needs to fuck off

You could say, the result of that is that she has a son who can’t stand up for himself!!

Your MIL is batshit. Babies need routine. You've got a really good one going mama!

She sounds strangely cruel - she really wouldn't care about a tired baby who just wants her bed?!

Don't leave your baby alone with her.

So she thinks that having an overtired, crying baby who won’t settle & is tired & grumpy the next day is worth it to…. spend an extra couple of hours in her company. Deluded or what?

Just don’t go to her’s in the evening, go for lunch at the weekend instead. Or she comes to you during the week. But frankly I’d be using the baby’s teething/ diarrhoea/ slight temperature as an excuse to send DH on his own.

This.

She sounds insane. I'd plan things so you're at home, not at hers, for your baby's bedtime. Tell clearly 'I have dc in a good routine. She needs to go to bed at 7. I don't want her crying and being over-tired, so I won't keep her out past this time.'

And your dh needs to stand up to her.

There are no hard and fast rules with baby routines as each is different. You have got settled into a good one for your family and that is great - you have done really well.

I think the basic problem here is that you need to have confidence in your decisions and your routines and not let MIL undermine you and make you doubt yourself. You are right and doing all the right things and she is wrong!! So stick to your guns and ignore her "advice"!

I am grandma age and the things I did with mine bear very little resemblance to how my DDs do things with theirs - but how I did it is a total irrelevance frankly - as is how your MIL used to do things.

Ignore her!!!! And pat yourself on the back for having got your little one content and in a routine that suits you and your DH.

Your MIL is a cunt. It's your baby don't let your MIL do this.

i just wouldn’t go over for dinner anymore. Oh no we can’t do dinner, it’s not working out with baby’s bedtime, and if I have to leave without dinner then I need to make some at home after all.
Husband can go if he wants but you tell him what you think of this! (Obviously occasionally it’s not a big deal him going without you) but you won’t and she needs to find a different time if she wants to see her grandchild.

I would not go for dinner there. Stick to lunches or her coming to yours. Some people just want to impose their ideas about child-rearing onto new parents. You'll probably find it lessens if you have a second DC and they see that you have your own way of doing things and aren't going to do what they tell you to. I' had a DC this year and the pediatrician in the hospital literally told me "It's pretty much about doing whatever you need to do to avoid them crying, that's how you know you are meeting their needs.," So your system sounds brilliant and her nighttime sleep just great! Ignore the absolute bollocks your MIL is coming out with, don't accept invitations that clash with your routine and feel confident that you know what is best for your daughter and that you are taking great of her.

You have a good routine with your baby that works for you. So here are your choices:

• tell MIL to piss off! - so tempting!
• tell her that invitations to her place that disrupt that routine will not be accepted.
• go to hers and go home at the right time for baby, regardless of whether the meal is finished/ready.
• invite her to your place instead.

I am a MIL and I get so pissed off with these pushy MILs as it gets us all a bad name.

OP - don't be too hard on yourself. Having a baby is such a momentous thing, we all second guess ourselves at some point and that's when other people's negatively becomes an earworm.

How often are you going over there for dinner? Can your DH go by himself to see his mother? It's interesting that your MIL says you are letting the baby dictate your life and but she is doing the same. You are doing a great job, you know your own child.

Good luck OP

God, this is so painful. I don’t know if parents weren’t as bothered by their children’s needs thirty years ago or if it’s just the grandparents who were anti routine themselves who now shout the loudest.
Both sets of DD’s grandparents were shocked we had set nap times and bedtime. His parents in particular would expect to drop in at any time in the day to see DD. The difference was that my other half put his foot down and when they called he would give them an explicit time window in which to visit. Your DH really needs to be more assertive.

She sounds like my MIL.
Except my DH can't stand the way she behaves either. We have found the compromise of going round in the morning when we visit or for lunch and we will leave when it's nap time.
Your MIL (same as mine) isn't respecting you guys as parents. My children also need routine ok a one off for a event is fine but not regularly.
Just refuse to go and take her if this is the response from your DH

Your DH has been trained by MIL to put her needs above everyone else's, or there will be hell to pay.

So the (probably unconscious) worry of upsetting her far outweighs any concerns about upsetting you or your little baby.

It will not be easy to get him to see this unfortunately. It will mean recognising he has been abused all his life, by someone who he thinks he loves and who he thinks loves him.

But I would suggest you educate yourself about narcissistic behaviour.

Have a listen to this episode from the excellent Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts
uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2/30-one-way-street
"This week Katie and Helen look at the relationship between a Mother and Daughter in Law, and how the Daughter in Law is being scapegoated by her MIL for 'stealing' the son.
They look at where the boundaries are and how to change the dynamic."

There's another episode about Christmas which you may find helpful.

I wouldn’t visit with the baby.
Life is too short to put up with stupid people

Given your update she is fuming you are managing motherhood better than she did!