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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hubby going out again

36 replies

jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:28

Hi,
am I being unreasonable?
my husband had a leaving do with all his work colleagues, as their team were all made redundant. He didn’t leave straight away and was kept on for another couple of months due to company needs.

He’s now doing odd days to help out for a few hours a week until the end of November whilst he works at his new job, but he is by no means an employee like he was. His old team want to arrange a leaving so for him with some current employees, but I thought their big night out before the summer was their team big leaving do where they all exchanged gifts with each other etc and said goodbye.

i feel like it is just an excuse for a night out together. I don’t mind their night out just don’t like the reason for it. I feel a bit weird about this as they never used to all go out together as a team and weren’t that close and now it feels like they are having a night out for the sake of it. Am I wrong to feel this way?

OP posts:
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SgtPercyTwentyman · 21/08/2023 20:47

jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:39

Just to confirm, you’d go on a leaving do with your team that’s for you too. Where you all exchange gifts and say goodbye to each other because it’s a leaving do for you and all your team, only to have another leaving do because you kind of haven’t left yet but they have got someone else in for your old role and you don’t have a job there any more? Are they going to exchange gifts all over again?

Yes, I would go. It would be weird not to.

cheddercherry · 21/08/2023 20:18

So he guilt trips you into no nights out, pulls out the money anxiety to keep you at home, has cheated and lied to cover months of an affair, sulks if you see friends, guilts you with the kids, cries if you go away and emotionally blackmails you into being a stuck at home wife worrying about what he’s up to every time he goes out.

His work mates can keep him. It sounds awful.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/08/2023 16:21

Sorry bold fail!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/08/2023 16:20

jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:59

Eg I went for a quick drink with a friend the other day and I was gone 2 hours for a catch up over one drink. When I got back he said it was too late to head into town for food...I got back at 6.45pm we normally eat at a restaurant for 7.30pm. He also said he wasn't hungry. He is always hungry. So I felt it was his way of saying he was annoyed that I was longer than an hour or what he saw as a one drink catch up.

He was then starving by 8pm and wanted loads of snacks...

Is that controlling behaviour? Or my imagination?

I*s that controlling behaviour?
*
Yes.

Rolypolyup · 21/08/2023 16:20

Why don't you go along too?

UndercoverCop · 21/08/2023 16:18

I have a colleague who about ten years ago was on a fixed term traineeship, got to the end we had a leaving do and presents, then they extended her by 3 months, so we had more drinks but no extra present, she found out on the day she was being kept on for another six months in a different role, so we still went for drinks anyway. At the end of the six months we got her another present there had been some back and forth about whether she could be kept on but was given a categoric no. She applied for a perm role but didn't get it. We got her a lovely bracelet went for a meal had drinks etc. Monday they called and offered her a permanent vacancy! Various role moves, promotions, team changes etc later, we still joke about how many leaving events and presents she had out of us.

HIBU for leaving drinks round two, he is BVVU to have an affair, question you admit going out and claim they're it's money for him to do so but not you.

BadBadDecisions · 21/08/2023 16:12

The night out in question is SO not the issue here.

Your marriage is fucked up.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 21/08/2023 16:10

I could not be in a relationship like this.

littleboymama · 21/08/2023 16:09

How can you be in a happy relationship if he doesn’t trust you, you don’t trust him. I just think you’re wasting your short life being unhappy.

littleboymama · 21/08/2023 16:08

I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone and not even having the trust in them to do something as small as going out with colleagues. It’s not that I don’t blame you - I couldn’t imagine staying with someone who had an affair for 6 months either. I just think life is too short, he’s controlling and doesn’t like you going out? Your relationship seems doomed and from what you’ve posted too complicated.

Boymummyofone · 21/08/2023 16:08

Sorry OP a night out with work colleagues is the least of your worries or maybe you're painting it that way to try and bury your instinct that there's more to it and by reading the update, I can see why you don't believe/trust him.

What I don't understand is that HE broke your trust by cheating but yet someone treats you as if you were the one the one that cheated. Controlling you and manipulating you into staying home isn't a healthy or safe environment for you. I would seriously reconsider the relationship overall if I was in your position.

TequilaNights · 21/08/2023 16:05

Tell him you'd really like to go with him

WhenLifeGivesYouLimes · 21/08/2023 16:05

jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:39

Just to confirm, you’d go on a leaving do with your team that’s for you too. Where you all exchange gifts and say goodbye to each other because it’s a leaving do for you and all your team, only to have another leaving do because you kind of haven’t left yet but they have got someone else in for your old role and you don’t have a job there any more? Are they going to exchange gifts all over again?

Yes I absolutely would do this and I have done very similar get togethers in the past - it's pretty common when redundancies take effect over a period of time.

That's not the issue, the issue is that your husband treats you like shit.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 16:03

There is absolutely nothing wrong with him going out for a leaving do for a second time. Forget about that.

You have much more serious problems with your updates, the lack of trust in your relationship and how he responds to you wanting to go out.

toomuchlaundry · 21/08/2023 16:01

You are focussing on the wrong thing, the purpose of the leaving do, and should be concentrating on your DH’s behaviour. Do you have DC together? Why did you stay with him after his affair?

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:59

MasterBeth · 21/08/2023 15:47

A night out for the sake of it is fine.

A catch-up with your old team is fine.

Neither of these things are your problem.

He has cheated on me before too - an affair that lasted six months is your problem.

agree

OP posts:
Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:59

Eg I went for a quick drink with a friend the other day and I was gone 2 hours for a catch up over one drink. When I got back he said it was too late to head into town for food...I got back at 6.45pm we normally eat at a restaurant for 7.30pm. He also said he wasn't hungry. He is always hungry. So I felt it was his way of saying he was annoyed that I was longer than an hour or what he saw as a one drink catch up.

He was then starving by 8pm and wanted loads of snacks...

Is that controlling behaviour? Or my imagination?

OP posts:
Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:57

Agree, the night out isn't the problem. It's the situation... the past.

His affair was with a former work colleague but she's left - part of me worries the night out is an excuse for a different sort of meet up. He used to lie every day to meet his mistress with all sorts of stories, which I believed until I found out they were all lies over a long period of time.

He couldn't stand his team or his work colleagues and then he had his leaving do. He didn't really enjoy it but did it because it was the right thing to do with his team when leaving. He doesn't like going out for drink to the pub, would prefer to go watch some sport and have a couple of lagers, not a big drinking session.

So it's making me confused.

I don't understand how they now all stay in touch and want to go out though. That makes no sense. If they want a night out as past work colleagues fine, but it doesn't stack up giving their poor working relationship etc.

I also just don't know why they label it his leaving do because that's been done already and he officially left two months ago.

I wonder if it's the label he has put on it to make it sound a better reason for him to go out rather than a night out with the lads. If I say a night out with the girls, he says no because of money, kids, childcare etc. Whereas if I said with work or a leaving do, he doesn't object as much. Maybe he is using his logic in this way??? Not that he has to but because I need justification to him...

OP posts:
Treepigeon · 21/08/2023 15:48

jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:35

He has cheated on me before too- an affair that lasted six months so the crap excuse for the night out worries me

The issue isn't him going out on a night out. It is that you don't trust him because he had an affair. Why are you with him? Its not a healthy way to live if you cant trust your man enough to go out on a night out with his friends.

MasterBeth · 21/08/2023 15:47

A night out for the sake of it is fine.

A catch-up with your old team is fine.

Neither of these things are your problem.

He has cheated on me before too - an affair that lasted six months is your problem.

Everanewbie · 21/08/2023 15:47

His second night out, fine. He's a grown man and shouldn't have to justify these things, assuming there isn't a childcare issue or whatever.

Cheating and what amounts to controlling behaviour if you want to do the same, not fine. Not fine at all.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:45

But he doesn’t like going out or drinking etc. sees it as a waste of money and can’t be bothered. So don’t understand why he’d want to do it again as he didn’t really enjoy it last time…

OP posts:
Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:45

I just don’t bother going out anymore. It’s not worth the stress or upset of him being distant for a couple of days.

he cried when I went away on a hen do for two nights. I almost didn’t go.

yet he goes on stag dos for a couple of nights and I don’t mind at all.

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YouHoooo · 21/08/2023 15:44

Agree that leaving do etiquette isn’t the issue… but yes, I’d happily have a second. Not with gifts again, and it would totally be just an excuse for another night out - but that’s fine.

Original poster
jeallybellybean · 21/08/2023 15:43

He says he doesn’t get moody when I go out, but he does get distant or it feels like he picks a fight.

he’s always in bed when I get home and is asleep and never asks me about my night out etc

he doesn’t seem happy for me.

OP posts: