Are threesomes normal

How old are you ? Was his ex a ex wife or girlfriend etc ? I experimented a lot in my 20s but would never have a thresome in a serious relationship with someone I truly love and want to staunchest rest if my life with

Sex with a neighbour seems like the worst idea ever.

I wouldn't say it's a red flag. You've said yourself that it only came up in conversation when you were having a chat, it doesn't sound like he brought it up specifically to suggest you have one. Plus, he wasn't bothered when you told him they weren't something you would be part of.

It sounds like your past experiences are putting you on alert which is completely understandable, but it seems like it's nothing to worry about.

I'm sexually experienced, have had a lot of partners, lots of sexual activity at university, in twenties etc etc and I have never had nor wanted a threesome. Just doesn't appeal to me. I don't think it is either normal or abnormal tbh. I think some people are into them, some aren't. I most definitely am not.

I had a couple of threesomes in my younger days, both with two women and with a man and a woman. (I'm male) Never with someone I was in a relationship with though.

It came up in discussion with DP early in our relationship (as a result of something on TV) and it was a hard no from her, so it's never been mentioned again in 15 years.

I don't think that there's anything "not normal" about having a threesome, but I do think it says something about how that person views sex. For me, sex is sex, and love is love, and the two are entirely separate. I could happily watch my partner have sex with someone else, whereas for her sex and love are intertwined so she'd get massively jealous.

The context you’ve added sounds like it just came up naturally and he was honest that’s he’s not cheated but the one he did have didn’t go too well in the aftermath. Seems like a reasonable conversation to me.

As for common or not - think it is a fairly common fantasy for a lot of guys, probably not so common as an actual thing people generally do!

I'm not sure whether they are normal or not comes into the equation. Some people do indulge, most people don't. But they key issue is that you clearly state it's not for you. So, will he want to participate in the future? If no, not a red flag. If yes, a potential red flag for you.

Maybe not, but OP has trouble with boundaries so it's worth being aware of.

That suggests his ex wasn't really into it, and was possibly coerced. I wonder if he suggested it as a way to try and sorted their relationship problems out....?

I don't think that's a fair accusation to make about someone with the limited information you have

It's not about whether a sex act is "normal", it's about whether you are comfortable with it. If you didn't like something as mainstream as PIV or kissing, that would still be your prerogative to refuse those acts.

If he really wants something that you don't, to the point that you feel pressured to do it, then throw him back. Sexual compatibility is a big deal.

Brilliant

My twenties were rather like your ex’s. I wouldn’t mention it to a new lover unless either they asked me directly, or I I thought they’d be interested in the fantasy or the reality.

I’d see mentioning that history out of the blue as a red flag, and an invasion of their XW’s privacy.

I know several friends who have done threesomes (not with each other) but I personally would never do one. I think it's ok to be sexually conservative. I'm obviously still happily friends with my friends who do threesomes and who go to sex parties but I would draw the line at dating a man who would or has done that, because it's a mismatch in values. It doesn't need to be a red flag, it's enough of a deal breaker if it's just a mismatch in values.

I think him bringing it up shows that he's a bit immature. Why would you need to know? The only reasons for sharing are either to make you feel insecure or to prime you to expect more of the same. I probably would treat it as a red flag tbh.

@VanGoghsDog "Ask him who the other man was..."

Always a good question in such circumstances......

Like most "everybody does it!" stuff it'a a way of men getting what they want.

Yes, I know some women like it too, before anyone says it.

No. 3somes are not normal.

I've not lead a sheltered life and don't know anyone who does this.

It sounds like it just came up in conversation and he answered honestly. Not a red flag. Sounds like he told you, you said that's not your thing, end of discussion. I don't like assigning "normal* to sexual activity, unless legality issues are in question.

Ask him who the other man was......

Not normal in any way. None of my close friends have had one (or their keeping it secret). Friends 30’s-40’s, mixture of married/divorced. I suppose you could see it as a positive hes being honest with you, but it would totally put me off.

I can't ever imagine a circumstance under which I could remotely tempted to do this.

I'd be very concerned about it, but equally appreciate that we're all different.

@RitzyMcFitzy @Flapjacker48 obviously someone has now watched Open House on channel 4. There are all lower middle class (and that’s bring generous with the description)

I wouldn't say it's a normal thing to do in a relationship but it's not an unusual thing to have done if someone's got an experienced sexual past. I don't think it's a red flag unless it turns out he still wants to do things like that and you don't. I've had a threesome. I had quite an adventurous sexual past and a threesome was something that happened in the heat of the moment but have no interest in doing again now I'm married, and even if I was still single I don't think I would.