Are threesomes normal

That's awful @whatwhatinthebutt so sorry you went through that 😢

I was asking myself these very questions when my ex pressured me into all sorts and tried to pressure me into threesomes, being fucked in front of him by someone else, being a prize in some gay wrestling competition, being tied up, spat on, urinated on, degraded etc. etc. etc.

Some of it I succumbed to over a five year period but most I could not bring myself to but this caused a feeling of fear and inadequacy that saw me be beaten down mentally into a permanently depressed husk believing I was wholly inadequate, and allowing him to use that feeling to make me feel inadequate in every part of my life.

Each time I let him do something, he would use that to immediately, and I mean straight after sex, pressure me into the next thing.

I felt like there was something wrong with me. It may sound small but it bled into every area of my life and almost made me think about leaving this world.

Instead I left him, and now I will never put up with sexual pressure for even a moment. I realise that just wanting safe sex that makes me feel loved is absolutely fine and even if it were abnormal that's me.

I realise that being "boring" is fine and I don't have to perform for anyone.

Even if the man hints at wanting to think about pressuring me that will be it.

I would consider mentioning the threesome more than once pressure.

YANBU. It is very much not the norm, and most people would never do it.

Without wishing to derail the key issue. For those saying that they do not know anyone whose had a threesome, l bet you do!

Not many people would go to work on a Monday and say “guess what happened at the weekend!” Discretion can be a wonderful thing.

"no one i know has had one"

How would you know what people get up to in the privacy of their own beds or relationships?

Sex isn't like Scouts, people don't wear badges to indicate what they have done... Ooh look, just got my 3sum badge, on my way to my swingers badge next...

I think if you're fooling round single in your 20s then no problem, ending rolling round in bed with anyone (not me of course, definitely not!) But it's not something I could do in a committed relationship. Have chatted it about it sure, but ex was worried that a woman would pleasure me more than he could, and another man was out of the question.

I was shocked when our 18 year work experience lad went off with 2 female friends on our Xmas do. I'm getting old 🤣

@Longagonow96 I don't think being comfortable to have sexual experiences outside of the usual really makes them weird.

They're massively weird for other reasons, but not for how they conduct themselves sexually.

I wouldn't fancy it personally so haven't bothered but each to their own.

You have some weird friends. Never known anyone who would even consider it. Anyway who cares? If you don't want to, don't.

Does it bother you?

If it didn't, you wouldn't have started this thread.

So the fact you've started a thread says to me that it leaves you feeling deeply uncomfortable and that suggests to me that you see sex differently to him. THAT'S the red flag.

If it was something that you thought ok that's interesting or ooo I wouldnt mind doing it or were totally indifferent to, it'd be fine.

But it's not okay because you are dwelling on it and it bothers you and it doesn't make you feel secure when feeling secure is what you are looking for in a relationship.

You want to start from a place of trust. You are always going to be wondering and second guessing this guy.

If he’s not up for some man in man action with a sexy guy of your choice… then it’s not equal and is a big ego dick move to fetishize women. I’d say it’s a massive red flag. But if he’s up for communal open relationship sex because it’s alllll goood, then it’s normal and probably a lifestyle choice. But still, not everyone’s cup of tea.

The only people I know who've had threesomes are a bit gross. It would be a big turn off for me definitely, not a red flag, just not for me.

Not normal, no.

This.

I must be very conservative because this would be a big turn off for me.

It’s typically two women and one man. I wonder how much he’d like it if he was one of two men in the threesome?

Maybe suggest to him you’d like him having a one-on-one with another man while you watch… and maybe join in….?
See how he reacts? 😂

The porn industry has created these hyper sexualisation of women on women fantasies, that is not actually realistic. Find yourself a man who watches less porn.

I think it's one of those things that some people say they have done to make themselves seem more sexually exciting than they are. It quite possibly isn't even true. Maybe he is trying to make you a bit jealous - provoke some kind of response. I would question why my partner would tell me so much about his sex life prior to meeting me - personally I wouldn't disclose that to a new partner.

There is absolutely no way I’d ever share anything person about my exhusband with a new boyfriend.

Run. This man is not a gentleman. What is he going to share about you with the next girlfriend?

Why do you think he decided to tell you this rather personal piece of information about his marriage, his former wife?

Do you think he could be testing the water with you, to see if you are up for it too? Or possibly ‘negging’ you, making you feel less than (his ex wife?) if you say it isn’t for you?

Just some possibilities for you to consider..

I had a foursome in my wild and distant youth. Does that mean I'm aristocracy? 😉

Exactly this. And that's why it's a bit of a red flag.

Everyone has different boundaries, but I would find this offputting. It basically means that whilst he is in a committed relationship with one person, he wants and is willing to have sex with someone else, and is willing to accept and even enjoy his partner having sex with someone else. I wouldn't want to have any kind of relationship with more than one person, so a person who thinks that way isn't right for me.

That sounds really horrible.

I've never had one but one of my friends did when she was a lot younger

I don't know anyone that has had a threesome, but everyone in my friendship group married in their early 20s.

As for the red flag thing, ultimately it depends on how you feel about it. You decide if you're comfortable with it or not. I hate strip clubs, for example. These are much more common than threesomes, but to me they are horrendous and glorified cheating. DH has had to decline invitations to a lot of stag dos because of the constant inclusion of these activities, but he respects my feelings about them. Plenty of women are fine with their husbands going to them, but I don't like them, and that's my own boundary. You're allowed a boundary around threesomes or if they give you the ick.

Precisely. And why do you think that was?

(hint: it’s all about the centring of the mighty male)

Yes, of course it was. I dunno, I've met loads of men who like the idea of a threesome (most of whom can't even satisfy one woman....) but it's never two men, it's aaaalways about them.

I think that itself tells you something. It's not about having a variety of broad sexual experiences, it's about them thinking they are such a stud that one woman isn't enough.