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AIBU?

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Original poster

Rude In-laws

50 replies

Greengirl360 · 20/08/2023 21:28

I’ve always felt MIL is rude and selfish. For instance DH had a birthday party in May, we have a DS who was only 2 months old at the time. MIL agreed to help look after him (along with my mum and dad and me all taking turns) at our house (only 2 min drive from the party venue) before he was even born. However, when it came to the week before she completely refused saying she wanted to socialise with her friends. She thought denied agreeing to help.

I have moved passed this, along with many other incidents. However today after a family event which we all attended DH, DS and I were having lunch with MIL, FIL and BIL.

DH and I left a couple or minutes before everyone else and nipped to the supermarket to change DS’s nappy as we weren’t sure if the place we were going for lunch would have baby changing facilities. We were less than 10 minutes behind them. However, when we arrived they had already ordered food and drinks.

I think this is quite rude as we had agreed to go for a meal together. As it wasn’t the fanciest place in the world, they proceeded to serve our food a good 10 minutes later than in-laws, so we ate separately, although not the cafe’s fault at all. I feel that this soured the mood of the meal.

AIBU to be annoyed by this?
The lunch wasn’t booked for a certain time so it was impossible for us to be late.

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 20/08/2023 23:28

Assuming you and DH organised his party, I think you’re totally unreasonable to organise an event that requires your guests to keep disappearing off to babysit your baby in a different location. Either book a babysitter, or book a party you can bring the baby to. Or accept some of your guests might not want to join in the rota to babysit your baby.

Completely agree with this.

I mean, from the examples you have given us, it is your behaviours that are a bit out of sync with 'the norm' and I am reading that you think others ought to fall in with your somewhat unusual ideas. Potentially - if these two examples are typical of a pattern - they are a bit fed up of your odd behaviour.

Original poster
Greengirl360 · 20/08/2023 23:32

@FrangipaniBlue thank you! You get it.
Apologies to others if I wasn’t clear that of course five people weren’t looking after my baby at the same time.

Tesco was on the way to the cafe and I genuinely thought it would be easier to nip in and use their facilities. I appreciate that most people wouldn’t have done this but I honestly thought that as the supermarket was so handy I would just nip in. It took a couple of minutes - definitely no longer.

However, the reason we were a few minutes behind is irrelevant. I probably should’ve just asked in my original post whether it is unreasonable to go ahead and order and not wait on other diners who are only a few minutes behind. Bearing in mind we weren’t late as there was no booking. It was just a ‘let’s go to x cafe scenario.’
Also if IL had been in a rush to get somewhere I would’ve completely understood but they most definitely weren’t.

Just to add when the food arrived they all just started but they never wait until everyone is served, even when we all order at the same time.

I included the first scenario for a bit of context and to highlight the general feeling of underlying animosity I get when with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greengirl360 · 20/08/2023 23:58

@UsingChangeofName my mum and dad and MIL all very happy to look after baby during the party as we felt he was too young to stay the whole night. This was all discussed and agreed prior to booking the party. Of course we would never ‘require’ guests to babysit! It was a family decision to facilitate DH throwing a party and everyone being able to attend for the majority of the night. First grand child for all and everyone happy to get to attend the party and look after little one. This was all arranged in advance. MIL reneged and then lied about ever agreeing.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/08/2023 03:58

I get your annoyance with the meal OP, but as a mother of a newborn & toddler, change baby in car. Doesn't take long!

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 04:51

This is sounds like complications that did not need to happen

slashlover · 21/08/2023 04:58

It took a couple of minutes - definitely no longer.

You were a couple of minutes later and in that time they had been seated, got themselves organised, looked through the menu and ordered?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 21/08/2023 05:02

Did they know you were only going to be a few minutes behind them? Did they think you were doing your weekly shop? Did the cafe pressure them to order quickly (most places I go to take longer than 5 minutes to come and take an order)? Bit surprised cafe didn't try to bring all food at the same time if you were obviously one party at the same table. I wouldn't expect people to not start eating hot food

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 05:08

slashlover · 21/08/2023 04:58

It took a couple of minutes - definitely no longer.

You were a couple of minutes later and in that time they had been seated, got themselves organised, looked through the menu and ordered?

And there was no 2hr conversations

'should we share a starter'
'does it have onions in it they effect my bowels'
'I am having a pudding not sure I should have a starter Joan what do you think'
'Brian where are my reading glasses I told you to get them from the side table'

KnowledgeableMomma · 21/08/2023 05:22

These situations (at least the 2 you mentioned) seem pretty small. You had other people to look after DS at the party ( which sounds fabulous...some of us had to do it alone), and you all still had a meal together. I'm just personally not seeing where the big drama is? It would be one thing if they ate the entire meal and left before you arrived or complained the entire time about your tardiness but it doesn't sound like they did.

Autieangel · 21/08/2023 05:35

The party one I completely get. She was rude not to do her stint if she agreed. I'm also not sure some poster's understand ? It's not five people looking after a baby simultaneously it's each person taking a shift so everyone can attend the party.

The meal yes it's rude they ordered but that's not Just on your mil.

saffronsoup · 21/08/2023 05:40

If you told then you were going to the supermarket, they may not have known how long you would be.

I also think you were more than a few minutes behind if they had already ordered and all their food was ready well before yours.

Original poster
Greengirl360 · 21/08/2023 06:20

Thank you for all your replies. First time I’ve ever posted anything on here (and last)and I’m genuinely shocked at the tone of some of the comments. Some responses are plain rude. I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to me so rudely IRL but yet find it acceptable to be nasty on here. Disagreeing with me is fine but questioning facts time and again and not reading the thread properly is tiresome.

I’ll bowing out.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 21/08/2023 08:27

and for the people saying "maybe they didn't know how long you would be?"

Erm...... mobile phones???

Parlourgames · 21/08/2023 08:32

It does sound a bit rude and careless to order without you. But I think when you have a small baby things can quite easily get out of perspective with your in laws. I speak from experience. I would advise you to try and not to touchy as you need a good long term relationship with her.

Problesolving · 21/08/2023 09:25

FrangipaniBlue · 20/08/2023 22:53

People are SPECTACULARLY missing the point!!!!

5 adults were not looking after a baby TOGETHER, they were taking it in turns so that everyone could go to the party.

It is IRRELEVANT where OP changed the baby, who the fuck orders food without waiting for the rest of the group to arrive??

I get the point but I don’t understand the passing around of a tiny baby between 5 different adults. Not great for the baby.

Autieangel · 21/08/2023 09:43

@Problesolving the baby was at home in its own room. The party was elsewhere. So adult 1 might do an hour then adult 2 and so on. The baby might be asleep, feeding etc. the other adults when it wasn't their turn was enjoying the party. So rather than one adult Miss the whole party a handful of adults missed a small section of the party

Wenfy · 21/08/2023 09:49

Honestly I think you’re the rude one from the examples you provided. You’re expecting 5 people to leave the party venue and ‘take turns’ looking after a 2mo at YOUR house. The polite thing to do in this instance would have been to decline the invitation or take your child briefly before leaving. And you going to a supermarket to change your baby when you had a booking (at a set time) is rude too - you should have changed your baby in the car.

FourTeaFallOut · 21/08/2023 09:52

I don't think these things are enough to write someone off as selfish and rude. Personally, I'd prefer for people to plough in and order without me if I am trailing behind. It's good that they just got on with things instead of making a big fuss of the delay.

Janieforever · 21/08/2023 09:55

I don’t understand this at all, from the decision on something as simple as the change location to not saying to the wait staff can you bring all the meals at the same time. There is no need for any of this drama.

id maybe ask is it maybe you who is the drama person?

cstaff · 21/08/2023 09:59

The reason for you being late to the restaurant is irrelevant. You could have been held up in traffic for all they knew. Regardless of the reason your in-laws were being really rude for no reason. Maybe to get "one up" on you - I don't know the history.

Also re the babysitting at the party - that is normal to share responsibilities for a short time per person. To agree and then just change their mind on the spot is horrible.

rumnraisinrocks · 21/08/2023 10:14

Op, although your ILS weren't great, I actually think you and DH were quite rude too.
You asked your guests to mind your baby meaning they would have to come away from a party they were invited to. If they had offered that would be different. Maybe MIL didn't want to do it but felt obliged to say yes initially.

You then took a detour which was going to make you late, when you could have dealt with things in a way that a detour wasn't necessary, and didn't bother to phone or text to let them know what had happened.

I don't think anyone comes up smelling of roses but equally I don't think everyone comes up smelling of shit either. Both slightly annoying events but not enough to be hugely annoyed over either

Tinklyheadtilt · 21/08/2023 12:11

Replying to people you agree with, then calling everyone else who doesn't rude is immature.

You should have just changed the baby in car to avoid all this drama.

FutureThroughLensOfThePast · 21/08/2023 12:23

I would wait for the whole party to arrive before ordering, unless someone had said they were running very late.

Alargeoneplease89 · 21/08/2023 12:26

Greengirl360 · 20/08/2023 21:34

@DustyLee123 yip we definitely could’ve done that but not really the point as we were literally 5-6 minutes behind them regardless of where we changed baby.

That's one speedy establishment to get an order in that quick.

Maybe they are a bit off as you seem to think everyone's world should revolve around your baby.

UsingChangeofName · 21/08/2023 16:42

Greengirl360 · 21/08/2023 06:20

Thank you for all your replies. First time I’ve ever posted anything on here (and last)and I’m genuinely shocked at the tone of some of the comments. Some responses are plain rude. I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to me so rudely IRL but yet find it acceptable to be nasty on here. Disagreeing with me is fine but questioning facts time and again and not reading the thread properly is tiresome.

I’ll bowing out.

Replying to people you agree with, then calling everyone else who doesn't rude is immature.

This ^

Some responses are plain rude. I’m sure you wouldn’t talk to me so rudely IRL but yet find it acceptable to be nasty on here

I'm not seeing rude responses. I'm seeing people who don't agree with you.
If someone asked me face to face, for my opinion on a situation (such as you have done in your OP), I would reply just the same - pointing out that what you've done didn't make sense, and that clearly you were longer than you think you were, both from the pov of physically how long this would take, when you break it down step by step, and also in terms (as other posters point out) of how long it would take people to go in, find a table, decide what to order, then order, and have the food arrive.

Disagreeing with me is fine but questioning facts time and again and not reading the thread properly is tiresome.

People have read the thread. Questioning what you are saying is also pretty reasonable as it is pretty difficult to believe your timings.

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