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Original poster

Husband ‘earned’ time alone

64 replies

Givemestrength93 · 20/08/2023 19:25

Please someone tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

DH took DC (ages 3 and 1.5) out for TWO hours this afternoon whilst I cooked tea etc. They get back, he’s totally flustered, dumps them on me and says he’s going upstairs for 20 minutes alone and for a long shower. He’s had a very stressful time and he’s ‘earned some alone time’.

Eldest has got a dirty nappy and having a meltdown because he’s starving hungry, youngest won’t let me put him down because he’s also hungry.

I say no, help me get them in fresh nappies and tea on the table/them sat at the table before you go upstairs. He thinks this is totally unreasonable. This upsets me because I have them on my own all week apart from the 3 mornings they’re at nursery. I also do all the nights too. I tell him this and that it makes me feel like I’m the default parent, and that he’s just ‘looking after them’ for me when he takes them out. Especially when he uses words like ‘earned’ the time alone.

This has not gone down well at all. From his point of view, He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

For context I also never stop him from going out when he wants to, I understand he needs more time along than I do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being an unreasonable bitch? I don’t know why he thinks it’s all roses when I take them out my own, I obviously also find it stressful and don’t have the option of having 20 minutes on my own afterwards.

OP posts:
Cowlover89 · 20/08/2023 22:30

YANBU

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/08/2023 22:06

Yanbu at all. Well done for standing up for yourself tonight. How DARE he hand two kids with dirty nappies over to you as soon as he walks in the door so he can go and relax, the only excuse for doing that would be if he'd also sh** his own pants on the way home and needed to deal with that

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 21:49

I think the reality is he probablyfeels like a failure. Don't judge or blame, speak with him when you're both relaxed and see how you can remedy this.
Oh and I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to postpone his 'de-esculation' time till they're clean and ready to eat.

sweetpeaorchestra · 20/08/2023 21:48

Yup he needs more time with them regularly, that is rubbish. It reminds me of a poster on here saying “it is difficult to dip your toe in the cold water of tedious parenting” and I think the non default parent does find it really hard - as they’re not used to what it involves! My DH was like this. It’s not ok. Hope you can use it as a spring board to talk about him spending more time with them.

manticlimactic0 · 20/08/2023 21:47

Hummingbird89 · 20/08/2023 19:36

It is embarrassing that he struggles to cope for such a short period of time. What a nobhead.

AND blames OP because he feels a failure 🙄

NoKnit · 20/08/2023 21:43

Why don't you take them out next time whilst he cooks the tea? See how he likes that one. Mine always goes for the taking them out option

Diymesss · 20/08/2023 21:39

Totally reasonable to ask him to help you get them clean and settled before he went up. He should be thinking of them too. Did he take them out without any food?

Diymesss · 20/08/2023 21:37

Two hours is nothing! During the pandemic my kids were a similar age and I had them alone 9-5 five days a week, with everything shut including outside play areas for months on end, jeez he doesn’t know how easy he has it

ihadamarveloustime · 20/08/2023 21:21

He returned with them after a solo 2 hours, with both needing nappy changes and you trying to get food on the table and wanted to disappear and leave you to it?

He's an asshole. End of.

YANBU At All

Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2023 21:12

Not now but when DC are in bed have a chat. Tell him that you don’t want him to feel like a failure and that everything gets easier with practice. Tell him you want to work out a plan of how you can change things to give him that additional practice so he gains more confidence. Then work out a plan. Any plan should be aimed at 50-50 care at the times you are both home. So all mornings and evenings during the week should be shared as well as weekends. He needs to be really involved in basic care as well as outings. That’s when bonding really happens.

Octonaut4Life · 20/08/2023 20:52

He might find they behave better for you because you don't leave them hungry and in dirty nappies!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 20/08/2023 20:51

Of course they react differently with him, that's what happens if you leave them in a dirty nappy and don't feed them.

Shopper727 · 20/08/2023 20:50

Maybe if he did more with his own children taking them out wouldn’t be such an event where he brings them home upset, tired and hungry I mean 2 hours? Pathetic they behave differently because he lets you parent them. Earned alone time? Well how much time must you earn then? do you get that time? I couldn’t live with such a completely selfish being!!

pheonixrebirth · 20/08/2023 20:46

Just ask him how he thinks you manage it without flouncing off with an attack of the vapours🤦‍♀️
Make sure you have the fainting couch by the door.😂😂😂

Arrgghhdecisions · 20/08/2023 20:36

Jesus wept.
Your 'D'H is a dick.

He is a failure.
He's a poor parent
He's a poor partner

Maybe he needs to spend some actual time doing the graft of parenting, that way his own children might not push him to the verge of a meltdown.

What a knob. Sorry OP.
FWIW. YANBU, he is.

MillWood85 · 20/08/2023 20:27

Leaving a child in a dirty nappy is unforgivable in my book - didn't he take a changing bag? Or didn't he attempt it as soon as he walked through the door?

The fact he passed the baby straight to you - he's taking the absolute piss.

Clymene · 20/08/2023 20:27

He clearly needs more practice. Get him to take them out every Saturday or Sunday morning while you have a lie in

Readingineading · 20/08/2023 20:26

Your DH is an arse, a lazy, useless arse.

Luxell934 · 20/08/2023 20:25

Clearly he needs to spend more quality time with the children alone, you should insist on this OP. He needs to build a better relationship with them (while you have your "earned" time alone).

TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 20:24

Did he think parenting was easy? Or that they're good as gold with you but become feral within his company?

I'd be pissed off too OP. He can have his 20 minutes when you're settled with them. Unless he wants you to be jugging nappies and his dinner at the same time. He might find the result unpleasant to eat.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2023 20:23

Well done @Givemestrength93

Call him out every time. He’s not happy because it’s the truth and it makes him look bad. Tough shit.

InSpainTheRain · 20/08/2023 20:19

He said I make him feel like he’s a failure

So he hasn't looked after his own children much, and all the work has been left with you. And this means you make him feel like a failure? I'd be be pretty angry to be honest.

If you think you he has some good qualities and you want to keep your family together then you need to make sure he starts to pull his weight and do his fair share (he won't take the initiative I bet) - tell him he needs more practise and more time with his children and make sure he does that. Tell him it's really difficult for you too - you often feel exhausted and tired out. That's the reality of small kids and he needs to realise he should step up and parents his own kids.

Jl2014 · 20/08/2023 20:18

He is a failure. Useless twat.

AdoraBell · 20/08/2023 19:50

I’d say he’s earned the next decade alone, and you can forget that he’s in his room.

Notamushroomwearer · 20/08/2023 19:47

He said I make him feel like he’s a failure

So manipulative.
He's a useless man but it's your fault
I would be incandescent!

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