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Original poster

Husband ‘earned’ time alone

64 replies

Givemestrength93 · 20/08/2023 19:25

Please someone tell me I’m not being unreasonable here.

DH took DC (ages 3 and 1.5) out for TWO hours this afternoon whilst I cooked tea etc. They get back, he’s totally flustered, dumps them on me and says he’s going upstairs for 20 minutes alone and for a long shower. He’s had a very stressful time and he’s ‘earned some alone time’.

Eldest has got a dirty nappy and having a meltdown because he’s starving hungry, youngest won’t let me put him down because he’s also hungry.

I say no, help me get them in fresh nappies and tea on the table/them sat at the table before you go upstairs. He thinks this is totally unreasonable. This upsets me because I have them on my own all week apart from the 3 mornings they’re at nursery. I also do all the nights too. I tell him this and that it makes me feel like I’m the default parent, and that he’s just ‘looking after them’ for me when he takes them out. Especially when he uses words like ‘earned’ the time alone.

This has not gone down well at all. From his point of view, He said I make him feel like he’s a failure because he needs a break and time on his own, and that he has a different experience of the DC than me. He said they react and behave differently for me than for him. He’s not talked to me since.

For context I also never stop him from going out when he wants to, I understand he needs more time along than I do.

Am I going crazy? Am I being an unreasonable bitch? I don’t know why he thinks it’s all roses when I take them out my own, I obviously also find it stressful and don’t have the option of having 20 minutes on my own afterwards.

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BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 27/08/2023 23:21

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 20:06

This makes me think teenage boys should do a compulsory stint as a nanny, like national service. It would stop them from ever pretending to think being a sahm parent is an easy ride !

Show quote history

You're so right! It should absolutely be a thing!

WarmButteryCrumpets · 27/08/2023 20:06

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 20/08/2023 19:31

Also, my 18 year old DD looks after children of this age all day by herself, including changing them and feeding them. Her most recent family had 18 month twins a 4 and a 6 year old. She still managed.

This makes me think teenage boys should do a compulsory stint as a nanny, like national service. It would stop them from ever pretending to think being a sahm parent is an easy ride !

Bluejaybean · 27/08/2023 17:32

Tell him to grow up

Tinklyheadtilt · 27/08/2023 17:19

Wow the guy wants a break after having them by himself and he is a twat?

The nappy thing is bad, but perhaps there is more context around it. Guarantee if a man was in here saying this there would a very different reaction

ihadamarveloustime · 21/08/2023 10:34

The fact that you're actually looking forward to when he goes away with his work because it will just be you and the kids speaks volumes.

This

rwalker · 21/08/2023 09:58

i don’t see the problem but you both need to do it
if there’s 2 parents and you can’t carve out a few hours to each to yourself a week then there something wrong or your being a martyr

Hibiscrubbed · 21/08/2023 09:51

Not only is he a total joke of a ‘father’ and husband, he’s a manipulative twat, too.

EpicDay · 21/08/2023 09:19

So when I had DC that sort of age, I definitely got more stressed and overwhelmed by them than my DH did. He minded much less about the noise and the chaos and worried much less about upsetting and irritating other people when he took them out. So I would say that he gave me more alone time than he had. BUT I was aware, grateful, appreciative,
made sure that he also got to do the things that he wanted and never once said I had “earned” alone time. It was more that as part of a partnership different people have different needs at different times. In my case, DH found his job more stressful than I did mine, so when the DC were little he reduced his hours and I upped my responsibilities and pay. It strikes me that the issue for you is not how your DH deals with the kids but more how he treats you.

NoMor · 21/08/2023 09:09

Sounds like he needs to do more with them to get them used to him and him used to what is involved. He found 2 hours too long so for the next week when he is at home he should look after them alone for 1.5 hours. Keep increasing it by 10 minutes each week until either he's used to doing the bare bloody minimum for his own children or you realise he's a twat and divorce him, whichever comes first.

FlamingoQueen · 21/08/2023 09:04

When he comes home from his few days away - as soon as he walks in the door, say ‘right, I’ve earnt my time away now, I’m going for a coffee (insert whatever!) - see you in a couple of hours. Do not give him any choice or any chance for debate.
When you arrive back home, he will hopefully be cross and then you can say that it is no different to what he did to you, but he’d only had them for 2 hours.
Sometimes, our partners need to be shocked into realising what they are doing.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/08/2023 08:45

He is a loser parent. This is the wake up call.

Time to start regular daddy time every week.
2hs going to 3 to 4 to 6 to days out every so often.
Reminder Him: you need water snack sunscreen etc then eventually as he learns the kids routines withdraw prompts.
the ruke is kids are returned as they left. Ie Nappy changed and fed.

Its good for you and good for him. Swap and do solo parenting too (similar conditions for him though ie. You were tidying he needs to hang some laundry)

Work up to be able to have a night out each its a healthier dynamic.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2023 08:41

The fact that you're actually looking forward to when he goes away with his work because it will just be you and the kids speaks volumes.

What I would do is wait until he returns all refreshed from his time away with work and then say to him "We need to have a conversation". He can decide what the outcome of that conversation will be. The decision is that you're not going to put up with his behaviour any more. He steps up to the plate of being a father with a wife on hand or you'll go it alone but then he has no wife to share the load with and he'll be having the children as per court ordered times and it will just be him and the kids. What is it to be? If it decides that he's going to do more, then you must hand over the kids to him whatever and let him sort it out.
If they get dressed in mismatched clothes, so be it.
If they go out without coats/whatever, so be it. He is the adult in charge. He'll probably only do it the one time and he'll learn. He will have to.

LemonLimeDivine · 21/08/2023 08:35

I think you need a weekend away to yourself OP. Leave him to it. Phone on airplane mode.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2023 08:34

NEmama · 20/08/2023 19:31

He needs to do more solo outings to improve the relationship with them 💐

A million percent this!

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2023 08:33

Time to up the time he has to be Solo Daddy from 2 hrs to say 4 hrs and then up to 6 hrs and before you know it, you have a day to yourself (which you have most definitely 'earned', just has he has.

Did you ask him when he returned from his 'earned' time when your 'earned quiet time without him or the kids is?

Greenwitchhorse · 21/08/2023 08:32

The question for me is almost always: why did you have two children with this man?

He sounds useless and he probably was since the beginning...

midlifecrash · 21/08/2023 08:23

He’s their father, the Co-parent. He should be focusing on what his children need when he’s with them, not how soon he can hand them off, like he’s the next door neighbour doing you a favour

Naunet · 21/08/2023 08:23

JudgeRudy · 20/08/2023 21:49

I think the reality is he probablyfeels like a failure. Don't judge or blame, speak with him when you're both relaxed and see how you can remedy this.
Oh and I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to postpone his 'de-esculation' time till they're clean and ready to eat.

Well he IS a failure if he can’t manage his kids for more than 2 hours on his own and thinks he gets to dump them in OP in that state when he’s had enough even though she was cooking. That’s not a parent, Jesus, it’s barely a babysitter - they don’t rush home for a nap after two hours work.

billy1966 · 21/08/2023 08:18

That's some loser you have had children with.

Are you really happy with this relationship?

He sounds like a really selfish manipulative loser.

Blames you for everything and plays victim....sounds like a bit of a bully too.

Have you family around you to support you?

Thelonelygiraffe · 21/08/2023 08:16

Oh dear. He sounds totally incapable. He needs to look after his own dc more do he can do it better!

Blinkingbonkers · 21/08/2023 08:14

Yanbu. Have had a similar experience with my dh (though he’d deny it obvs!!). It’s worse now - as they’re teenagers & therefore ‘more reasonable’ he has decided to partake in the parenting….but basically just blows situations sky high and then I have to put everything back together (whilst receiving the silent treatment from him for ‘interfering’). I don’t know what to advise as it’s not something I was able to fix. But have some solidarity.

Paq · 21/08/2023 08:00

Tell him he's setting the foundations for an absolutely terrible relationship with his children in the future. They won't know him or want him if he can't do the basics when they are young.

Knockmealdowns · 21/08/2023 07:36

Due to my husband’s job, and his very long hours I found myself managing alone with 2 under 2.. so I got help and paid for it.. if he can’t help and it’s all too much can he pay for someone to give you a break?

Original poster
Givemestrength93 · 21/08/2023 07:26

He’s also going away for a few days with work this week, I’m looking forward to it just being me and the kids in a lot of ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemestrength93 · 21/08/2023 07:25

Sorry for being so late with replies! I appreciate this, thank you everyone.

Sometimes he makes me feel like I’m being awfully mean, or that I’m going mad when I call out any behaviour like this. He always acts like I’ve seriously hurt his feelings and that I’m being unreasonable. This makes me feel like I should apologise to him.

He does this 90% of the time when I’m not happy about something he’s doing/done. He plays the victim. Cannot take criticism at all. Is this manipulative?

We’ve been together 10 years and I think it’s so ingrained in my brain now that I question myself whenever I have to call him out.

OP posts: