Is this relationship a non-starter?

Bonniethewestie you absolutely are mistaking a wedding day for a marriage. OP has said she wants to have children, and take extended leave from work to raise them, anyone would be mad to do this without the legal protection that marriage offers.

Absolutely this.

It's all very well his not believing in the institution of marriage but as partner to someone who is interested in children, marriage is of not benefit to him, unless he cares for the security of the mother of his children.

He is being clear who he is. Believe him and just Run. Absolutely run.

Apologies @Coffeetree , I quoted the wrong person! I agree with you!

Your reaction is spot on OP, it's not your job to change his mind, and it would create an uncomfortable dynamic if you tried. Marriage is a practical step to take in a relationship, especially with children.

Walk away.

What's the point of getting involved with someone if you want different things? Surely it makes more sense to only date people who you have a chance of finding happiness with? OP has a deal breaker, which is that she wants marriage. Lots of men want that too. Waste of time bothering with someone who doesn't want that.

Dunno why some people seem to be saying to someone who wants marriage basically "aim lower" / don't look for what you actually want / accept less.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to, but especially so when we try to fit with someone who isn't on the same page.

Okay but the OP's idea of "life working out" is to be in a good marriage.

It's very normal to be up front when getting into a relationship. "I'm dating because I'm looking for the right person to get married and start a family." Or, "I don't believe in marriage." Either is fine, but they're not compatible.

@floratone genuinely, why do you want to get married in the longterm? I’m not saying there’s no value in it but raising ‘I absolutely must get married’ shortly after meeting someone would be a bit of a flag for me. It makes it seem like your longterm prospects are to legally tie yourself to someone rather than see how life best works out for you with the circumstances given.

You’re not right for each other and want different things from life.

However this part of your post is concerning:

“I'm 30 and everyone around me is either married/engaged (or so it feels) “

It can be difficult to not compare yourself to others but please don’t think you have to get married because others are. You’re not a failure if you don’t choose the same (expected!) path.

I'd walk away.
He's set his stall out, been upfront and honest, your goals don't align so don't waste your time.
You could be holding out for a dream that doesn't materialise.
I spent 15+ yrs with exdp, he was always the one saying that one day we'll get married, I wanted to but we kept putting it off, big holidays, nice cars etc.
He said last year let's do it in 2024, I started looking at venue options, dresses etc then at the beginning of this year he said he'd changed his mind, he didn't want to get married.
A shutter came down for me, 15 yrs of love and respect, I was his absolute "ride or die" I'd have done anything for him.
I ended it on the spot.
I'm late 50's so it's probably too late for me and I feel that even though we had a fantastic 15 yrs together, it meant nothing, I wasted 15 yrs of my life on someone who felt I wasn't good enough to marry.
It's not too late for you to find someone who wants the same as you, don't be like me, don't waste your precious time

This.
Early days of my relationship with DH, he brought up marriage and family. Not to propose but to see if we were on the same page. It's a really important thing if you're looking for a significant relationship.

Sorry if I missed this but need more information on 'doesn't value marriage' ...

Do you refer to the act itself or legals or being in a long term commitment? Staying loyal? Taking responsibility? Does he want to have children? Is he saying yes to children but no to marriage?

Some people are jumping on the government comment... I think that's nothing more than him saying he just doesn't need a legal document to prove his love. We've seen numerous times on here women who have been married 20 years and still want marriage. The guy is thinking he's been with you for 20 years, doesn't that prove I'm serious, while the woman is thinking yeah but 'security' if you leave/die. In a sense, one is a more romantic view, the other is more practical.

A few red flags here

It's early days but you're discussing childhood trauma? And miraculously you have so much in common... I agree with pp suggestion of mirroring. It seems quite intense for early days.

If marriage is a non negotiable for you I wouldn't be hanging around someone who needs to be 'convinced' about marriage.

Again pp have already nailed this. You'll spend your life running rings trying to make him happy to 'convince' him. It already puts you on the back foot.

Mirroring was my first thought - your description of the relationship is waving red flags galore. I'm so glad the marriage bit has stopped you in your tracks OP - move on.

Because it's early days, maybe explore it more with him. Does he want kids? You could explain to him that for most women that will be an issue without marriage and it certainly would be for you.

However, be careful, he is telling you now that he doesn't want to. If that's his real confirmed view after a bit of conversation about it, cut your losses now.

Good for you being upfront about what you want in life.

He "could be convinced"? By whom, you? No that's not your job.

Tell him thanks but you don't want to waste his time. Keep dating, keep looking for someone whose values align with yours.

Witness the dozens of women on here who are literally raising children and keeping house for men while waiting for a proposal.

I'd be concerned about mirroring and love bombing. It seems you have both shared a lot in the early stages.

I also agree for him to rule out marriage early on he is obviously very against it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had to try to convince someone to marry me.

I would move on

This does happen, but the opposite is much more common and women hold out for something they never get

You share so many of the same interests and experiences.... except this one core value which is absolutely critical to your long term happiness.

He won't change his view. It's ok to hold your boundaries on this.

If you don't walk away you it will be short term gain for long term pain. If marriage and children are important to you, you shouldn't waste 5 years on this guy only to find yourself single at 35.

I had the same thing, OP. He said he really never saw marriage in his future and wanted that to be clear.

I wasn't bothered either, but low and behold he proposed within a year!

Now been very happy married 15 years.

For me marriage wasn't a deal breaker though.

The whole, I don’t believe in marriage but you could convince me thing is just setting you up for disappointment - it’s manipulative. This is your red flag op - not that he doesn’t want to get married - that he thinks he can manipulate your behaviour like that

This was my response- he sounds fake.

This.

All the trauma talk is a red flag. This man is messing with you.

Don't compromise on what's important to you. Choose yourself.

@floratone Why is marriage non-negotiable for you?