Hurt by husbands indifference

Anuta77 · 2023-08-19T18:58:08+00:00

This morning I found my favorite budgie on the floor of his cage. I knew this was the end. I told DH and he says something along the lines that he was old anyway and I did my best to keep him alive. He didnt care for my birds and was supporting them because of me. A bit later, my birdie died in my hands. I was silently crying. Husband was in the same space making breakfast. He passed by me, so surely he saw me. I told him that my birdie died and that his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes. Husband didnt answer, I thought he didnt hear, so I did what I had to do with my birdie. With my side vision, I saw that DH was doing something on his phone. Later I asked him and he said he heard me. I dont know why he didnt answer or why he didnt come to confort me. After I went upstairs as I was feeling sad. I heard him calling me, but he didnt bother checking on me. He actually sent his daughter (my step-daughter) to ask me if I was coming down to eat. When I came down he just asked me about some bill we received. Nothing else. He could see I wasnt ok. I can deal with my feelings alone, but in addition to feeling sad about my birdie, I feel sad that DH didnt seem to care to at least show some compassion towards me. We were doing fine before that. AIBU to feel hurt about this?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 20/08/2023 14:13

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

It doesn't matter how you feel, because it's not about you. If your husband or daughter had been very upset you should have offered comfort.

Createausername1970 · 20/08/2023 14:12

Has he been a bit more sympathetic since realising the budgie had actually died?

Nap1983 · 20/08/2023 14:04

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:55

Maybe you couldn’t care less, but surely seeing someone you love deeply upset about something would make you want to comfort them? That’s pretty basic isn’t it?

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Yeah this. Regardless of who or what had died or upset me, even if my DH never knew them or cared he would comfort and console me. You husband sounds awful TBH

theresastormcoming · 20/08/2023 13:51

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Soubriquet · 19/08/2023 22:23

I’m really sorry for your loss OP

I had to have my dog put down 10 years ago. Dh didn’t like him and I understood why. He was an arse (the dog not the husband). He still comforted me and grieved with me.

Your dh sounds rubbish

LightSpeeds · 19/08/2023 22:16

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I've got birds and can't bear to think of them dying.

I think your husband is totally insensitive. For those saying he probably didn't know what to say, there's nothing to stop him giving you a cuddle and making a few sympathetic noises.

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:59

My husband didn’t like my dog-not in a bad way-but in a he tolerated him because he was mine (I had him when we met) way so was kind to him and came out for walks but he isn’t a dog person at all. When I had him (the dog) put to sleep, my husband comforted me and was very kind and sympathetic and went out of his way to listen to my stories and wipe my tears. That’s what I’d expect, so your husband’s actions would have really upset me. You loved your bird and he gave you a lot of pleasure in his short life so of course you’ll grieve for him. You must be very hurt.

MrsRachelDanvers · 19/08/2023 21:55

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

Maybe you couldn’t care less, but surely seeing someone you love deeply upset about something would make you want to comfort them? That’s pretty basic isn’t it?

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:38

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 21:33

That isn't how I read the OP at all. The detail about the eyes filling up with tears reminded me of the moment when my cat was put to sleep, when the drugs kicked in she widened and then slitted her eyes, and her mouth twisted in a way I'd never seen before. It's the sort of detail that stays with you, because watching a living creature die right in front of you is upsetting. I wouldn't want to meet a person who didn't find it a bit distressing. Talking about it can help, which is very healthy, and OP absolutely should be able to expect her husband to listen and be supportive.

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Thank you so much for your understanding, its the first time it happens in front of me, so I found it really sad. There were other mouvements that I havent seen before, but the eyes filling up with tears reminds us of crying. Husband said: It must be some secretions. He actually didnt hear when I told him that he died. Anyway....

OP posts:

dreambeavers · 19/08/2023 21:34

I'm so sorry op. I love a bird friend.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:33

Thank you so much!

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 19/08/2023 21:33

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

That isn't how I read the OP at all. The detail about the eyes filling up with tears reminded me of the moment when my cat was put to sleep, when the drugs kicked in she widened and then slitted her eyes, and her mouth twisted in a way I'd never seen before. It's the sort of detail that stays with you, because watching a living creature die right in front of you is upsetting. I wouldn't want to meet a person who didn't find it a bit distressing. Talking about it can help, which is very healthy, and OP absolutely should be able to expect her husband to listen and be supportive.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:32

WtfHormones · 19/08/2023 21:06

How would you go about telling him?
I'm hurt because you didn't comfort me when I was sad about my bird. Was there a reason for your lack of care?

Nobody is obliged to give us confort, so I dont know how to explain it to him in a non accusatory way, but mostly I would like an explanation.

It's upto you to set your own boundaries though and let him know your expectations and needs.

Why does it have to be non accusatory?

If you really need it to be non accusatory. Saying something like... I was really confused by your reaction to me being upset at my bird dieing in my hands. I wasn't sure if you realised I was upset. Please can you help me understand what your reaction was about.

Thank you so much!
Turns out he didnt realize that he died, he thought he was still dying...Its amazing how 2 people can be in one room and have a totally different perspective of what happened.

OP posts:

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 19/08/2023 21:28

I would be hurt that he hadn’t comforted me but tbh people deal with death differently.

I am awful when someone is going through something, I end up saying the wrong thing.

My pet died and I was inconsolable.
My DD and brother didn’t say anything, not because they didn’t care but because they just didn’t know what to say.

If his reaction was because he didn’t care then id be raging but if it was simply because he didn’t know what to say then I’d let it slide.

I would chat to him and explain how you feel.
His response would decide how I feel.

I’m sorry your bird died ☹️

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 21:27

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

@JusthereforXmas, just because I wrote that my birds eyes filles up with tears (which was a description of what happened not a way of saying that he died!) doesnt mean that Im a dramatic person who tires everyone with my drama. What a weird judgement about me based on one sentence!

OP posts:

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 21:14

OP as hard as this loss is for you, you have to grieve alone.
there is just no point telling this man how you feel, he already knows your in pain and he does not give a toss
don't even give him the satisfaction of begging for little scraps of affection,
you wont get any and he will probably make you feel worse and accuse you of making a big deal

Just please take note of how he treats you and don't ever forget it, when you needed him for support , he turned his back on you

I am so sorry about your sweet little bird I can tell you loved him very much and he loved you💐

truthhurts23 · 19/08/2023 21:07

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

ok thats how YOU feel, but in those kind of situations, it is not about you.
If someone you love is upset about something , like their dog dying, even if you dont like dogs, you should still have empathy for the person and try to support them, make an effort to say kind words

Dropthedonkey · 19/08/2023 21:06

Screamingabdabz · 19/08/2023 20:27

I’m afraid I couldn’t care less about the death of small pets either I’m sorry. My dd’s hamster died recently and although there was some brief sadness and my DH facilitated some sort of token ‘burial’ - they all had perspective about it. There was no wailing or gnashing of teeth. It’s a small animal with a short life. It was to be expected.

I realise that your DH was insensitive to your feelings, and you were upset, but seriously sometimes it’s hard to muster up the energy to console someone over something you find inconsequential or trivial in the big scheme of things.

Budgies can live around 5 times as long as a hamster, though, if you're looking at it from that point of view.

WtfHormones · 19/08/2023 21:06

How would you go about telling him?
I'm hurt because you didn't comfort me when I was sad about my bird. Was there a reason for your lack of care?

Nobody is obliged to give us confort, so I dont know how to explain it to him in a non accusatory way, but mostly I would like an explanation.

It's upto you to set your own boundaries though and let him know your expectations and needs.

Why does it have to be non accusatory?

If you really need it to be non accusatory. Saying something like... I was really confused by your reaction to me being upset at my bird dieing in my hands. I wasn't sure if you realised I was upset. Please can you help me understand what your reaction was about.

JusthereforXmas · 19/08/2023 20:58

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a pet is a sad thing. It hits the people who loved them hard but other people tend to just see an 'animal' so while being uncaring is insensitive try not to take it to heart.

There is also something in your writing (the phrasing) comes over very dramatic though. Not just being sad as thats normal but they 'way' your saying it.

Things like 'his eyes filled up with tears right before he closed his eyes' is an very odd lead in to say your pet died and is overtly dramatic.

If you are prone to phrasing things dramatically and being hyper empetetic then people check out over time because not everything can be and it becomes tiring.

Just take time to be sad and let him deal with it his own way even if thats just 'oh... the bird died'.

iamyourequal · 19/08/2023 20:39

@Anuta77 I’m sorry you have lost your dear pet bird . (We lost a small pet recently and it was very upsetting).
It is sad that you have such an insensitive husband. You could try telling him that you are upset (I know you shouldn’t have to) and disappointed in his lack of sympathy and give him the opportunity to make amends. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:34

Babymamamama · 19/08/2023 20:30

Honestly? I don’t think he was a fan of your pet choice. Was he involved in choosing this pet?

We found this budgie on the street and he was the one who catched him and he seemed ok with keeping him. Later he changed his mind, but even if I kept him, I did everything to care for him and everything to make sure that he didnt bother him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anuta77 · 19/08/2023 20:32

Recently, my husbads former professor died. I met him once years ago (barely remember him) as he lived in another country. He hasnt seen or communicated with this professor since weve met over 11 years ago. It was someone from his youth. You can imagine that even with people whom we dont know, we might not have feelings really. But I took time to some conforting words and asked questions and listen to his stories. So while I didnt expect my DH to feel anything about my budgie, I am upset that he didnt care about me.

OP posts:

Stomacharmeleon · 19/08/2023 20:30

@Screamingabdabz I think that's a bit harsh and surely it should be important to him as it's important to her?
You don't have to be indifferent or full wake/ wailing. Surely there is a happy medium. 'Is there anything I can do/ would you like a hug/ do you want to talk about it'?

Babymamamama · 19/08/2023 20:30

Honestly? I don’t think he was a fan of your pet choice. Was he involved in choosing this pet?