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Original poster

Issues with brother

37 replies

RosaMoline · 19/08/2023 10:59

Hopefully won’t be too wordy. Bear with me. Just looking for advice.
Almost 14 years ago, my parents moved away. They literally used to live less than 3 miles away. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have done my utmost to have talked them out of it. I would have pushed for them to have downsized and stayed local. They moved about 100 or so miles away.
Although I drive, I’m very very nervous and just the thought of going down the motorway sends me into meltdown. The last time I attempted to do it I had a panic attack. I am 56 now, and if anything, I’m worse. I do not think motorway lessons will help, plus I don’t have the spare cash. When DM and DD moved away, I was married and EXH used to take us there.
My brother lives about 30 mins or so
from them, so he was able to see them more often than me. Anyway, fast forward to the present day, and I’m divorced, dad has passed away, and mum no longer has a driving licence due to showing signs of dementia (she’s coping ok at the moment) if I visit her, I have to rely on DD taking me. We try and go once a month if we can.
My brother knows of my motorway phobia, but when situations occur, he just expects me to get in my car and ‘go there’
He is totally unsympathetic and doesn’t ‘get it’ at all. I can’t always rely on DD as she’s a shift worker.
Today, I’ve received a text saying that my uncle (in poor health) would like my mum to visit him next Wednesday. My brother says he and his wife are working and can’t help. Uncle lives about 40 miles from DM. I replied saying that I would ask DD on the off chance as I’m working too and don’t have any annual leave left. He replied in a sarcastic tone that he didn’t either. Motorway phobia aside, I don’t think I could take a day off work at such short notice anyway. He’s also intimidated in the past that I should give up my life where I live and move in to look after mum. I have an adult DD as previously mentioned and an adult DS who’s severely autistic and lives in supported living about 30 mins from me. I have a life, a job in my area. Pets. I love my house which I got post divorce. I suppose he thinks that because I’m an empty nester and not in a relationship, I should give it all up.
I’ve asked him and his family to come visit me and stay with mum but I’m always rebuffed because of work or something else. I’ve given up. It really saddens me as I feel we’ve really drifted apart as a family. I was devastated the year before Dad passed away to discover everyone except me and my kids had been invited to my nephews 18th (brothers son) ~ it was a family dinner and I didn’t find out about it until a family member posted about it on Facebook 😢
Now every time my brother texts me, it’s always about mum and expecting me to go there at short notice. He’s really blunt, and seeing him texts gives me extreme anxiety.
I just wish I knew how to handle this. If my DD can’t take mum on Wednesday I expect he’s going to give me a really hard time.
Sorry it’s so long. Just feeling really anxious and tearful here..

OP posts:
Cloudflare · 19/08/2023 11:25

I agree with madnessitellyou - if you can’t do it, then you can’t.

You see your mother once a month, as it is.

I can understand he feels the load. And it is work, being a carer for an elderly parent. But it seems he wants you to do exactly what he doesn’t want to do. However, a man is equally as capable as a woman when it comes to looking after an elderly parent.

Dinojump · 19/08/2023 11:25

It would take longer but Google Maps gives an option of showing routes without motorways.

IamSmarticus · 19/08/2023 11:21

I think that you are being a bit unreasonable re the travelling, there are other roads besides motorways you know. They may be the quickest/most direct way of getting somewhere but you can still travel on A/B roads. Or trains, or buses. Only going to visit yuour mum when your daughter is available to take you is daft when you have the means to get there yourself.

CravingASpiraBringThemBack · 19/08/2023 11:19

I would think you weren’t invited to the meal because they expected you wouldn’t show up. Or maybe they feel like you are trying to have your cake and eat it - struggle to help because of your motorway phobia but able to get there for a meal.
Your brother is probably taking on the brunt of the work. As well as nice things you are missing out on, there are probably awkward and difficult things with your mum you aren’t hearing about that your brother is doing.
You absolutely can choose to remain where you are, but then you can’t complain the family feels fragmented as you are the one who is fragmented away from them.
I don’t drive, but I would use trains and other public transport to help out.

Cardiganwearer · 19/08/2023 11:18

Hi OP. I feel for you. So so hard with elderly parents. I’m the same with driving. I can drive but I’m very nervous and have never even been on the motorway as I know it is beyond my capabilities. I’m absolutely fine and safe for what I do drive but it’s never going to be long distances or involve motorways or dual carriageways (It’s the merging and the speed that I don’t like. No hate please for that. I learnt late and it’s never got better. I’m more nervous as I get older and not 50 yet) So I completely get that.

I think your brother is being an absolute nasty bastard. You do what you can. Of course you shouldn’t move in with your mum! He wants you to so he doesn’t have to do any of mum related stuff. Off load it to the nearest female! Unfortunately for him you’re not near (geographically) and that isn’t going to change! You’re going to have to just decide he’s unreasonable (extremely) and he’s kicking off because you’re not doing what he wants!! As for uncle deciding he’s wants to be driven to his sister’s from 40 miles away on a week day at short notice, well tough shit! We don’t always get what we want when we want it!

This is a consequence of your parents deciding to move away. My mother’s parents wouldn’t live near us and chose to live near her brother. My mum couldn’t drive ergo we saw them once a month when my dad could drive and brother and his wife had to do the day to day care. It’s just the way it was 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
RosaMoline · 19/08/2023 11:16

If DPs had stayed in my local area. I would’ve done everything, and happily so. The irony is, DB talked them into buying this property fully knowing he’d be closer to them.

OP posts:
madnessitellyou · 19/08/2023 11:14

To echo another poster, if you can't help you can't help. If no one else can help, no one else can help.

With the best will in the world, people can't do everything all of the time.

Original poster
RosaMoline · 19/08/2023 11:11

Hiddenvoice · 19/08/2023 11:08

This is tough for both of you and I think you need to try to remind yourself that you’ve both lost your dad. He lives closer to your mum so may feel like he’s been left with the brunt of it all and may perhaps need to do more than you. He will have some resentment of this and yes won’t accept and understand the motorway phobia.

He’s asked you to move closer to help out, if possible why not suggest your mother goes into a care home that’s closer to you so you can be there more.

This is sadly quite common with families, especially as parents get older. One thing I’d suggest is you try get a day off together where everyone can spend time together and try have a day out. Not a day when you need to support your mum.
I imagine he didn’t invite you to the birthday because you’d have made up a reason not to attend due to driving.

Hi thanks for reply;
re: DN’s birthday, he should know that we would’ve come if we were free. DD would’ve taken us with a bit of notice. I’ve always made an effort to go to family celebrations pre and post divorce.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 19/08/2023 11:08

This is tough for both of you and I think you need to try to remind yourself that you’ve both lost your dad. He lives closer to your mum so may feel like he’s been left with the brunt of it all and may perhaps need to do more than you. He will have some resentment of this and yes won’t accept and understand the motorway phobia.

He’s asked you to move closer to help out, if possible why not suggest your mother goes into a care home that’s closer to you so you can be there more.

This is sadly quite common with families, especially as parents get older. One thing I’d suggest is you try get a day off together where everyone can spend time together and try have a day out. Not a day when you need to support your mum.
I imagine he didn’t invite you to the birthday because you’d have made up a reason not to attend due to driving.

madnessitellyou · 19/08/2023 11:08

While I think anyone who wants you to give up your life is unreasonable, I do think that you need to get over the motorway issue. Especially with an elderly parent. Motorway lessons really might help. You're 56 and restricting yourself massively. What would happen if your ds moved to accommodation that was only accessible via the motorway network?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/08/2023 11:07

Look if you can’t, you can’t. Your job is no less important than his and you are under no obligation to give up your life and become a full time carer just because he says so. You need to be stronger and stop letting him make you feel bad.

Original poster
RosaMoline · 19/08/2023 11:02

Sorry for typos:
intimidated should be intimated
and seeing his texts not him

OP posts: