Issues with brother

You've got a busy life already, your brother encouraged the move, your parents went along with it, this is their problem as far as I would be concerned.
Wealthy uncle or well of DB can sort this out between them.
I'd be ignoring any snarky texts, he probably won't bother with you when your mother dies so cut back from him now is my suggestion.

That's not helpful. Not everyone is as competent as you.

I don't particularly like motorway driving either so when I need to I set out really early or really late when there's less traffic. It makes a big difference to how I feel about it.

YABU

How is he texting "in a sarcastic tone" ? You are looking for stuff that isn't there. Text, by their very nature, are short and to the point.

Of course you can't drop everything to take your Mum to lunch with your Uncle, but he isn't wrong to say "Mum wants to do this, is there anything you can do?".

Just because he is the child who is closer, he shouldn't need to be the one to do everything either. You, or he, just say "Sorry, Mum, you know we are at work then. If you want one of us to take you to see Uncle, you'll have to arrange it on one of the days we are there {suggest dates}, or get {cousin's names} to collect you, or get a train/bus/other public transport"

Of course it is difficult when parents live a couple of hours drive away. They should have considered that when retiring away, and they chose to ignore it, so that isn't your fault.

Of course you can't be expected to move.

It does seem daft to restrict yourself by limiting your driving at such a young age. Not just for visiting your Mum.

The whole birthday dinner thing you are taking too personally too. A family go out to celebrate a child's 18th birthday, and invite the child's Grandparents. Very normal. That doesn't mean you were 'excluded'. It just means it wasn't that big an affair. It was dinner with the Grandparents.

Your brothers life & work isn't more Important that yours so you are right to be upset about his attitude towards that.

However, you need to sort out your driving as that would drive me mad if had to take on an unfair responsibility of looking after a parent because my sibling didn't want to drive on the motorway!! In the kindest way possible, you need to prioritise sorting this out as it is limiting your life.

In the meantime is there no other way to get to your DMs that doesn't involve the motorway? Even if it's longer it's surely better than not visiting her at all. It's not fair on your DD to be responsible for taking you there either as she has her own life too.

OP Join everyone on the Cockroach Cafe thread on the Elderly Parents board.
You'll get lots of advice and support from people in the same boat.

If it was genuinely the brother who encouraged his mum to move up there, he's really in no position to strongly resent OP not helping out. But on the other hand I'd find it frustrating for her to just opt it because of the motorway thing. There are other roads as she's now acknowledged.

Obviously as I'm the one who moved away (albeit to get the only job available to me when I left uni 45 years ago) I wouldn't blame my brother if he resented having to be the one dealing with all the minor stuff. But I do constantly make sure that he's giving me as much to deal with as I can from a distance. Fortunately admin and phone calls are the things he's least comfortable with, so he's appreciative of me taking them on.

I go up reasonably regularly, but he's the first to say that I shouldn't bother going as often (mum is very difficult and doesn't appreciate the visits anyway). Either way he knows I have his back in it all.

In your brothers eyes your not pulling your weight with your mum
from experience living nearer does seem like everything gets dumped on you

there other options than motorways but you seem to be using that as a get out of jail card for not going

Typical mumsnet use of 'demand' there when OP only said that he'd "like" her mum to visit.

If he's in very poor health, however, it might be that he doesn't have much time left, so brother wants to facilitate it/mum desperately wants to see him.
A taxi for 40 miles (x2) is probably going to be a lot of money, so it's very possible that neither can afford it.

If course that doesn't mean that OP has to drop everything (when she has no leave available). And the same applies to DB. But I'd probably be seeking out alternatives. Or given that there'd be petrol costs involved in going up, maybe you could offer something towards the taxi fare istead, OP?

Oh and regarding your motorway phobia are there no trains going anywhere near your mum's?
Get a train to the nearest station then a taxi when you want to visit Mum for a day (or 2)?

I am bemused by your Uncle announcing he'd like your mother to visit him and you're expected to travel 100 miles to facilitate this demand!!!

If your Uncle wants to see your mum he can get a taxi to her house if he's too unwell to drive!
If he's too unwell to get a taxi to visit her why can't he pay for a taxi to pick her up and bring her to him?

In short WTF?????

Tbh if you're the one with the phobia than you need to be the one to find the work around. As per PP's use non-motorway options.

Stop relying on your DD for transport. You're too young to be doing that.

I have also developed a fear of motorways, I used to happily drive from London to Scotland on motorways regularly but I don’t even like being a passenger now.

But I do think you need to find another way and do your fair share when you can by avoiding motorways. I generally do that now even if DH is driving.

I have the motorway phobia too and it's not just a matter of motorway lessons, mine's got worse as I get older and even as a passenger I just hate every moment. But that said, I just use the 'no motorways' setting on the satnav and genuinely enjoy a much pleasanter drive on the smaller roads through towns. I don't mind that it takes longer, it's well worth it for less stress.

That's just an aside really, about the driving. On the brother issue, he's an arse. You have a busy life with responsibilities and can't drop them all at your uncle's or brother's behest. Be firm and don't be guilt-tripped.

56 is not to old to conker your fear. Look in to hypnotherapy it could massively help you.
Motorways are easier then normal roads and so worth the effort

He sounds like a bully.

The above is your answer to him.

He encouraged them to move ckose to him.

You are not driving on a motorway and that is your choice and none of his business.

You cannot visit unless your daughter can bring you.

Stop engaging with him.

He encouraged them to move and these are the consequences.

You have nothing to be guilty for.

Do not engage with him further other than the bare necessity and do not engage in ANY discussion about moving.

Your parents chose to move with your brothers encouragement.

You stay where your life and children are.

An uncle visit is not an emergency

There's no need for you or your brother to drop everything to make that happen

When parents get very old you need to step back sometimes to see the difference between a "would be nice" and "essential"

An uncle visit is a "would be nice", fresh sheets on the bed each week are a "would be nice", but could wait another week. A friendly visit would be nice, going shopping/getting a haircut are all "would be nice"

Essential would be things like: medical emergency appointments, no food in the house, a panic attack or medical emergency etc etc

It has really helped me to categorise things like this as otherwise you can get overwhelmed with care duties

The fact that you feel stressed about making sure this uncle visit happens shows you are quite overwhelmed and need to step back a bit and give yourself a break

I also have 1 useless brother. I only text him in emergencies. Last emergency was today (!), he did not even reply. Whatever. I am doing what I can (got a GP to visit my dad) and that is all anyone can do

Look after yourself

would like my mum to visit him next Wednesday

Well, unless she can get a taxi, this isn’t possible. People who don’t work and rely on those that DO work to facilitate their social life, need to make plans accordingly! Wouldn’t a weekend visit be better all round?

You don't have to be a full time carer to have your life taken over by an elderly parent.
My brother is the 'on the spot' offspring while I live nearly two hours away (motorway all the way, btw). He is constantly having to mop up situations with my mum, financially, medically, admin-wise and emotionally. I do as much as I can to help, especially with admin stuff that can be done from a distance. But I'm very aware of my good fortune in being 'the one who moved away'

Yes, he encouraged the move, and yes you say you'd do more if she'd remained near you. But I suspect that neither of you realise/d just how much time and emotional space it can take.

I would, however, remind him that you (presumably) have similar care responsibilities for your son, so it's not like your life is a bed of roses. And of course that he was the one who encouraged her to move away from your support. But do consider getting help with this motorway phobia.

If he isn’t a full time carer then there’s even less reason for him to feel put out.

it’s not a ‘woman only job’ to spend as bit of time helping an elderly parent.