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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel so guilty and ashamed

232 replies

Mumto1boyo · 18/08/2023 20:40

Ds is in the terrible 2s and I ha e to wrestle him into his pram. Today was awful, it was raining and he wasn't cooperative. I lost my temper and called him a little cunt and to shut the fuck up.
Im so stressed. I do all the housework,cleaning and cooking and shopping so my dh doesn't have to worry about that as he is the breadwinner. I'm just a sahm. I feel terrible that I said those things to my sweet little boy and I love him so much.
I worry that if my husband wants another baby I will be too old as he is younger than me.
Not sure what my aibu is as I know ibu for being nasty to my darling boy.

OP posts:
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AnneAnon · 20/08/2023 11:54

Also I don’t understand why some SAHMs on here moan about housework. Of course you’ll be doing more of it 🤷🏻‍♀️

AnneAnon · 20/08/2023 11:53

I stopped watching Breeders because for me it crossed the line from funny into child abuse that was meant to be funny. Motherland is nothing like that.

MariposaKHYU · 20/08/2023 11:14

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RadishesForYou · 20/08/2023 11:02

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Hibiscrubbed · 20/08/2023 11:01

I meant to say she’s now desperately ashamed, my typo said ‘not* desperately ashamed…

helibirdcomp · 20/08/2023 10:28

Are you really protecting your husband by doing everything. It seems to me that he is missing critical bonding with your baby and may feel side lined. Have you tried telling him that you sometimes fell overwhelmed and it would be nice for him to have more time with baby.

billy1966 · 20/08/2023 10:25

OP, have you thought about speaking to your GP about your anxiety?

It sounds like you have dealt with a lot.

Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and be determined to do better.

The thing about using bad language around children is, they repeat it.

You won't want your little boy doing that.

Wishing you well.

Heronwatcher · 20/08/2023 10:20

I agree that it sounds like you’re doing the right things now, but still IMO the fact that this happened is a bit of a red flag. I really would consider whether you’re in the best place to have another child- if you think a toddler is challenging, imagine dealing with the same child 8 months pregnant, or dealing with a pre-schooler and a tiny baby. You need to be at your most mentally resilient. At least give it 6 months to see if this happens again with your existing child, and if it does see if you can get some more support.

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/08/2023 09:55

Sorry I was an annoying poster who posted without reading the full thread to start with.

I thought that you finding the swearing funny at odds with what you were saying about being upset you swore.

ive read the full thread and think you are placing way too much pressure on yourself to be a perfect mum and partner. Two year olds are hard work but it’s better that your house is the area that suffers rather then your patience. The comments normalising swearing at children when people are frustrated aren’t helpful as what starts as a one off becomes more frequent and it seems ok if other people are doing it.

You’ve been really honest and hopefully you’ll take away from this thread that no, it’s not ok but there are probably ways to make your life easier in general. I used to say to myself ‘does it really matter?’ when I was getting worked up and that led me to more or less giving up the pram when my child was 18 months because they hated it.

Good luck and one day you’ll look back on him being this age so fondly. I remember reading on here that ‘the days are long but the years are short’🙁 and it’s so true!

Original poster
Mumto1boyo · 20/08/2023 09:35

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/08/2023 09:27

OP, having read the rest of your posts it sounds like you’re determined for this not to happen again. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

What I see a lot is parents swearing at children, shouting, on their phones and shouting whilst ignoring them but then going on Facebook going on about ‘my kids are my world’ etc. Makes me sick. There’s too many parents who are so selfish and wrapped up in themselves but then go on about ‘oh I live for my kids’ and (ironically) often the people who are first to share about cases of child abuse and voice their disgust, not equating how vile they can be to their own children. Rant over, sorry OP, not aimed at you, just despair at people thinking swearing at children is ok.

I'm confused, first you say my reaction is telling (I could tell from that posters context it was said in a humorous way) then you post this?
But yes you are right I will do my utmost to see this doesn't happen again.

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 20/08/2023 09:27

OP, having read the rest of your posts it sounds like you’re determined for this not to happen again. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

What I see a lot is parents swearing at children, shouting, on their phones and shouting whilst ignoring them but then going on Facebook going on about ‘my kids are my world’ etc. Makes me sick. There’s too many parents who are so selfish and wrapped up in themselves but then go on about ‘oh I live for my kids’ and (ironically) often the people who are first to share about cases of child abuse and voice their disgust, not equating how vile they can be to their own children. Rant over, sorry OP, not aimed at you, just despair at people thinking swearing at children is ok.

1AngelicFruitCake · 20/08/2023 09:17

Mumto1boyo · 18/08/2023 20:54

I know it's not the right reaction but if I'd heard that I would have laughed.

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The fact you find that funny is telling. Using abusive language towards children isn’t ok. If I heard that in public I’d think what went on at home must be much worse.

Original poster
Mumto1boyo · 20/08/2023 08:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 23:01

  • apologize to your son and tell him what you should have done instead when you're feeling over busy instead of swearing (take a deep breath etc) and reassure him it wasn't his fault. Then move on
  • when your DH has after work time this should be shared child and house care. If he works 8am-8pm then the morning rush or the evening chores are half his
  • 'if my husband wants another dc..' absolutely don't have another one unless you want one too or they'll end up in therapy
  1. Did that
  2. He does the morning bits and does his breakfast and eats with him then when he's home they play together which is lovely to watch.
  3. We both do
Thank you for your advice
OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 20/08/2023 00:21

DameCurlyBassey · 18/08/2023 23:54

Out of interest how would you support/help her?

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By not demonising her. By telling her that toddlers are a special kind of testing, that they truly are complete twats at times. But offering her solidarity in feeling that way on occasion. By pointing out that this is a sign she needs support from her stupid husband, that something in her life is not making her happy, and helping her to identify that.

Calling a two year old a cunt is not something to strive for, but she loves her child, she does not neglect or fail him in any way, she doesn’t hit or abuse him, she was just pushed too far and reacted in the moment. She is not desperately ashamed and put her head above the parapet of perfect sanctimonious Mumsnet parenting in order to be ‘punished’ because of it. That’s not a neglectful parent, nor a bad one (they wouldn’t give a shit about calling a toddler names) it’s a burnt out one.

HarrietJet · 19/08/2023 23:41

MariposaKHYU · 19/08/2023 22:39

Ok hun

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Your responses get correspondingly more daft, @MariposaKHYU

lauraloulou1 · 19/08/2023 23:15

Sounds like your guy isn't doing enough. You need some better support beyond financial. Don't beat yourself up. But shame is a useful emotion sometimes as you crossed your own boundaries so just give yourself a time out if you feel like it might happen again. Strap the baby in somewhere safe and give yourself five. X

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/08/2023 23:01
  • apologize to your son and tell him what you should have done instead when you're feeling over busy instead of swearing (take a deep breath etc) and reassure him it wasn't his fault. Then move on
  • when your DH has after work time this should be shared child and house care. If he works 8am-8pm then the morning rush or the evening chores are half his
  • 'if my husband wants another dc..' absolutely don't have another one unless you want one too or they'll end up in therapy
MariposaKHYU · 19/08/2023 22:39

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 19/08/2023 19:31

My earliest memories are from around 18 months of stuff like this. So yeah, they might remember.

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Ok hun

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 19/08/2023 19:31

MariposaKHYU · 18/08/2023 20:43

He wont remember don’t worry so much

My earliest memories are from around 18 months of stuff like this. So yeah, they might remember.

Original poster
Mumto1boyo · 19/08/2023 19:25

Mischance · 19/08/2023 18:38

It works. One small biscuit in the context of a good diet is not going to hurt a child - mother losing her temper might!

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My mum said then he will think if he throws a tantrum he will get a sweet or a biscuit.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 19/08/2023 18:56

Mischance · 19/08/2023 18:39

OP has lost her rag a bit - we have all done it. It is better she should have a strategy for dealing with the same situation next time so it will not happen again, which is what she wishes.

Sorry, this is where the problem lies. We have NOT all called our toddler-age child a ‘fucking cunt’.

It’s the normalising and minimising of this behaviour that is fucked up. The OP has recognised that it is a ‘never event’ but if enough posters suggest otherwise, what do you think is likely to happen?

Mischance · 19/08/2023 18:39

OP has lost her rag a bit - we have all done it. It is better she should have a strategy for dealing with the same situation next time so it will not happen again, which is what she wishes.

Mischance · 19/08/2023 18:38

CheezePleeze · 18/08/2023 22:30

Please don't use food as bribery or reward OP.

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It works. One small biscuit in the context of a good diet is not going to hurt a child - mother losing her temper might!

Original poster
Mumto1boyo · 19/08/2023 17:58

MariposaKHYU · 19/08/2023 14:41

Well unless she keeps doing it, which I hope she doesn’t I really don’t think he will remember in my opinion. He will remember if she constantly screams and scolds him but if she is generally a loving mother who speaks kindly, I think he’ll be just fine. Get off your high horse people make mistakes sometimes

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No I don't regularly shout and scream at him. This is the first and only time.

OP posts:
MariposaKHYU · 19/08/2023 14:41

RadishesForYou · 19/08/2023 02:12

What an ignorant and stupid comment. Of course he will remember. Just because he may not be able to articulate it or recall it with precision in a way that a simpleton could comprehend does not mean that he will forget. Memories live in us through our neural pathways, they are not merely pictures or videos in our heads that we trot out at family gatherings. Minds and bodies store traumatic memories in many ways.

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Well unless she keeps doing it, which I hope she doesn’t I really don’t think he will remember in my opinion. He will remember if she constantly screams and scolds him but if she is generally a loving mother who speaks kindly, I think he’ll be just fine. Get off your high horse people make mistakes sometimes