School mum life

I’ve not gone out of my way to ‘make friends’ on the school run, however I didn’t really need to. I already knew a few of the parents from local playgroups so will always find a familiar face for a quick hello. My children are autistic and never get invited to parties or play dates (they wouldn’t care for it but obviously makes me a bit sad at times).

On the flip side, I went to an absolutely tiny primary where half the school were in some way related to each other. Every parent knew you, your family, your pets, what you had for breakfast that morning…. It’s not an experience I wanted to repeat myself. I’m quite happy not being involved in the whole ‘mum group’ situation as a whole.

I found it easier with the second dc because I already knew a few parents from the older dc’s class. And that’s when I recognised that there aren’t really cliques - just people who know each other, whose dc get on and have had a few play dates, or people who are in a walking group etc.

Once playdates start you’ll get to know a few parents. The key is not to be put off by the standoffish ones - that’s about them and not you. And let all the nonsense about how little Johnny is a genius wash over you. Over the years I’ve met the mothers of purported future Olympians, sports stars, dance champions and maths geniuses.

If you don't get to know the parents, what happens about play dates?

There is no law that says parents must speak to other parents at the school. I am rarely at the school thanks to the school bus and I am in one group chat that I mostly ignore, as do most of the members. But some of them seem very friendly with each other, from what I see in the chat, and that’s fine too. Just do you, let other people do them. Otherwise life gets very exhausting very quickly.

You won't bother by the 3rd!

This thread makes me realise my inadequacies as a parent. I do know some parents at school, but a few not every parent in my children's classes.
My husband has been the parent for drop offs / pick ups primarily due to my work hours. He is more outgoing overall and has got to know some other parents , especially the dads.
I am shy, wary of large groups ( especially of women). I also had some painful experiences of playgroups and baby classes etc that taught me that just because another person is a parent they may not share any other common ground with you.

It's different when you've been through it once. You've got the experience and knowledge of the rhythm of the terms and know what to expect. And because you aren't only focused on one child, you are inevitably distracted dealing with your older child.
I found it much easier second time around and because I already had sone school friendships was less worried about making it work. Good luck!

DS has a friend who is a third child. Third child’s mum is lovely but made zero effort to get to know anyone. Didn’t speak to anyone at drop off or pick up unless she had to, didn’t arrange her DS any parties that involved the class, didn’t go to the various socials the other mums arranged. Would always be warm and friendly if approached. Her son was always popular and happy. I definitely tried too hard by comparison

No, she doesn't have to. Nor is it pathetic to want to be considered nice or approachable.

I think all this school mum bashing is so sad especially those of you who have already decided we are a bunch if losers before making any effort to get to know us, my casual friendships have been vital to me

Ok if you have social anxiety fair enough , I can understand that but its normal to feel nervous meeting a group that of strangers en mass

I managed my insecurities and anxiety by getting involved with the Pta to get to know people and never ever understand the parents who decide they want nothing to do with other parents and do not support the fund raising

Im not confident or amazingly organised but can spare a few hours out of my year to muck in , run a stall , dress up as a elf for the grotto , I am a adult so can make small talk to other parents and even if they seem like we have nothing in common we can be there to support each other even in a superficial way such as " shit book day is next week thanks for reminding me" or spelling test was today ".

All the mum haters need to think about the mum who may be masking PND or domestic violence

• Casual friendships can be lifesaving and essential - let's be kind and just bloody smile and say " you ok? " you never know how much that could mean to someone

@FourTeaFallOut

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all.

Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

I wasn't saying talking to other parents was pathetic? I agreed with OP the the wanting people to think she was a nice woman did indeed sound pathetic.

I don't give a shit if school parents mix or not but I can't think of any problems I needed to solve in 15 years of being a primary school parent that involved other parents. It's perfectly fine to either mix or not but OP doesn't want to, juts thinks she should. She's doesn't have to.

It honestly never occurred to me that I was supposed to make friends with random parents of my children’s classmates. This may be connected to my own abusive childhood.

So I never really experienced any of this drama. If it’s not for you OP, pull back. I take a book with me everywhere I go. Comes in pretty handy.

There's bound to be cross over

Just cling to the ones you know

I don't see it as small talk to be honest, I see it as making friends, which I have.Maybe my job helps as I own a cafe and chat all day to randoms and regulars
It probably helps and it sounds like you have a naturally more friend-making disposition, but I find on here some people are very weird about the idea of having a friendly chat with anyone that isn't in their little family unit or a select group of friends they've known for years.

It's a bizarre thing on here. A lot of people simultaneously seem to want to stare at their phone, avoid school gate parents, never open the door, and only talk to their little bubble of people, whilst also deciding that anyone who does small talk and/or ends up forming friendships is bitchy, cliquey, must be judging their dress sense, looks down on them for not having their hair right on the school run etc. 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all. Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

Yes. So useful to be able to discuss issues about the school with other parents.
As well as being reminded about something or other by other parents saying 'oh I still haven't sorted this thing for Friday! What about you?' Has often saved my skin.
The WhatsApp group is great too and so useful to organise a session in the park with whoever is free in the holidays.

It really does depend on the year group you find yourself in.

Some are horrid, others really nice. Luck of the draw.

And undoubtedly they feel the same about you. But you keep hanging onto the notion that you are special and the only one who ever tried to be courteous to people in your life. FFS

It doesn't sound fucking pathetic at all. Social currency with the parents of your DC's classmates creates a degree of cohesion, problem solving and co-operation. It's possible to get by without it but I have found it valuable over the years.

You don’t have to engage. I work full time, drop and run and use after school care. I don’t really know any of the parents and it doesn’t affect my children in the slightest.

It does. You don't need random strangers to think you are nice, do you?

I'm autistic and while I didn't know this when my kids were in primary school I also didn't mix with other parents, i had no interest in them. We got through juts fine without.

I don't see it as small talk to be honest, I see it as making friends, which I have. Maybe my job helps as I own a cafe and chat all day to randoms and regulars

Exactly.

These threads are baffling.

You don’t have to, I don’t bother, having resting bitch face helps. My son still has playdates, you don’t have to talk to someone everyday to enable them to happen.

I'm just the same as I am with work colleagues. Smile, say hi and a few words.
I've met some really interesting people on the school run and enjoy having a chat at parties.
Parties are a pain and I'd rather be sitting at home but I know my dc definitely wouldn't!

I can happily chat to most people, it's an easy way to pass the time and so I don't find that part hard.

My third is starting y5 next year and I am beginning to relish the costume day finish line though.