Argument with DP- AIBU?

What's the deal with his parents OP?

It's a bit pathetic to be a grown man living that close, seeing them multiple times a week, leaving his own anniversary dinner to chat to Mum & Dad. it's weird.

It is an enmeshed relationship?

He's an asshole for calling you hormonal.

If he lacks patience and understanding for hormones now this will make pregnancy and child rearing painful with him.

When people say things like that in the heat of the moment. I am inclined to believe them.

Maybe he does regret telling you to abort. Even so, it's abhorrent to even say it.

But I would certainly believe the wider context of what he said.

He doesn't want to be tied to you for the rest of his life.

He has huge doubts about the relationship and what he wants for the future.

I wouldn't waste my time with him.

He is nasty and if he isn't sure this is what he wants he will turn even more nasty with resentment.

I would chose to end it myself.

He can kiss and say sorry but he isn't dealing with the fact he doesn't want the baby and isn't sure he wants you.

You and the baby don't deserve that.

Make the decision for him!

He could have dropped the keys off in the morning.

He's a twat.

Imagine saying abort the baby how disgusting.

Also read (discreetly) Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does Ge Do That? Before you decide if you should leave or not. You can download on Apple Books/kindle.

I know you can’t learn from the mistakes of others, but I wish that wasn’t the case - the things he has said to you in this one argument are 🚩🚩 and I would be amazed if it’s the first time. You can never get an abuser out of your life completely if you share a child (and even if you split up, your child will still have to survive through their “love”). It’s no fun.

This ^

And mainly just don’t have a baby with this man.

If he is like this now it won’t get better and you have no concept of the pain and difficulty having a baby with one of these men will cause you, and how much it can drag down all aspects of yourself and your life.

(Hope you don’t own a property together but, if you do, that it’s jointly owned and you can get your share by selling. If you live in his house or earn a lot less than him then 🚩🚩)

This is too toxic a relationship to bring a child into.

He may have said sorry and kissed you on the forehead, but that is not enough. He needs to show you that he is truly sorry and that he cares about you and your relationship.

No, you are not the asshole. You are not being unreasonable or hormonal. You are being human. You have every right to feel upset and hurt by your partner's behaviour and words. He was the one who was insensitive and disrespectful to you on a special day.

You wanted to celebrate your anniversary and your pregnancy with him, but he didn't seem to care much. He cancelled your plans to go out, he left you alone for 40 minutes to chat with his parents, he ignored you while texting another woman, he threw an ovulation stick in the bin, and he told you to get an abortion. That's not how you treat someone you love and respect.

He should have made an effort to make you feel special and appreciated, not neglected and unwanted. He should have been supportive and excited about your pregnancy, not resentful and angry. He should have apologised and tried to make it up to you, not blamed you and made you feel guilty.

You deserve better than this. You deserve someone who treats you with love and respect, and who makes you feel happy and secure. You deserve someone who is committed to you and your baby, not someone who wants to get rid of them.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel. Don't let him gaslight you or manipulate you. Don't let him make excuses or justify his actions. Don't let him make you doubt yourself or your worth. You are not the problem here. He is.

You sacrificed your evening out having dinner at a nice restaurant on your anniversary because he asked it of you. Cooking you a nice dinner in compensation of that is the very least he could do. So, no extra points awarded to him for that!

You are pregnant for the first time. Congratulations by the way💐💖🎉. And it is a significant anniversary too.

Of course you both should spend that time together and celebrate and make the most of it.

He absolutely didn’t. YANBU to be disappointed or upset by this.

He trivialised it and tried to blame your hormones for your very reasonable feelings. Gaslighting.

YANBU. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved. You are not inconsequential. He needs to appreciate you more. I hope he realises that. I hope even more that you know this to be true. You deserve better.

Not the total point of the thread but another thread recently where a poster was complaining about her mother, his MIL, being at their house every time he came home. All the comments were along the lines of get rid of the husband, your mother is your mother. No one called her a Mummy's girl etc which is standard for men if they dare see heir parents two or three times a week.
I cannot believe how many women and posters would suggest ending a much wanted pregnancy because the OP had a row with their husband. Couples row and a five week pregnancy probably doesn't seem as real to a man as it does to a woman.
All of the comments suggesting you LTB seem over the top.Ditto advice to terminate the pregnancy.
OP you don't have to stay with your husband if you don't want to but after 10 years you must know if this remark was unusual or typical. Then you can act accordingly.

Agreed

His actions are worse than his words. He's never at home, and didn't want to celebrate your anniversary and pregnancy with you. Presumably he went to his parents to discuss the pregnancy with them? Maybe he's still in shock/denial about the pregnancy.
You need to sit down together and discuss what you both want out of your relationship moving forward and what your expectations are for each other: to stay or split, keep the baby or not. You don't both currently appear to be on the same page. Better to clarify now than when the baby has arrived and he takes no parental responsibility and still acts like a single man.

You're only 5 weeks pregnant. This is going to get so much harder. He's really been a twat and it's not acceptable. Maybe he is indeed reconsidering the relationship and so should you.

I know it’s incredibly hard to talk to people IRL sometimes but I think that’s really what you should do OP. I wouldn’t mind betting that once you do reveal a few things more will come out that you’ve been trying to ignore or justify to yourself. it’s always good to have the perspective of your loved ones too, you’ll probably find things become a lot clearer for you.

There is so much wrong with this.

You minimising his behaviour.
You, pregnant, trying to sleep on a sofa after he said those unforgivable things to you. Him sleeping peacefully upstairs with zero fucks given.
Him thinking its all okay because he said a sorry he didnt mean in a non petulant manner?

Abuse starts and ramps up in pregnancy.

I would geniunely ask him to pack and leave and weigh up your options including the pregnancy.
I am pregnant for the second time we have a good marriage but it takes its toll and if your relationship is like this now... wait until the baby lands.
because he will nowlt magically start showing up and being kind and doing hard yards. It will be this or worse while you are vulnerable and on 3 hours sleep with a demanding newborn

I know its hard to hear but none of this is okay or normal. And its a really REALLY bad sign for your future.

He sounds revolting.

So many things wrong with this.

Why the fuck do you live 30 seconds by foot from his parents house?

What he said was unforgivable IMO. What a shitty horrible man.

He is dismissing your valid feelings by blaming your 'hormones' and making himself the victim.

If he tried to kiss me on the forehead after that display (while I was trying to sleep no less) I would be tempted to slap him away.

I'd be considering my options if I was you OP. It doesn't sound good for the future.

Happy anniversary op. I will wish you the best possible gift of never having another one with this man. I think this sounds like who he is, and if you stay you will be more and more covering up your needs and wants as he doesn’t accept that you might have any. He was particularly vicious because he knew he was being unreasonable on his our anniversary and feeling even slightly in the wrong made him lash out. I don’t think this kind of thing can change.

I personally couldn’t move on from my partner saying I should abort our child in an argument or any other context. However, if he’s not coping with your “emotions” now then this isn’t going to go away when you’re heavily pregnant, giving birth, postpartum and sleep deprived in the weeks and months after. I wouldn’t want to be “at fault” for simply expressing basic needs in a relationship with someone who resents me for having a child they didn’t want and trapping them in a life they say they hate. If they are his true feelings that have bubbled to the surface then I don’t really see where you would go from there. What he’s said in anger or not is unacceptable and I’m sorry for you, I agree you can’t just kiss and make up over it but equally I don’t know how you get back from it.

People don't throw horrible words out like "get an abortion" when they're in a argument. That's not normal. He's talking about his own unborn child there. Is this normal behaviour for him to be so nasty?

He wouldn't go out to eat on your anniversary like you wanted to

He went to see his PARENTS on your anniversary for 40 minutes which would have been much longer if you hadn't text him

He was unbelievably cruel to you and the baby when you called him out on the above.......UNBELIEVABLY cruel

Then you had to sleep on the sofa

I could not get past any of this

You need to talk to someone about it , a counsellor or someone, because how do you get past this?

Also ....why does he see his parents so often?

@monsteramunch yes I would say so .. and im
not saying every week or even regular occurrence (and I haven’t said something similar to the op partners comments ) but at my most stressed I’ve said something hurtful about intensional during a heated row as he’s my rock and it’s an outlet.

We have a perfectly happy healthy relationship together 17 years. In fact I feel been able to argue vent and get it out then make up super quick is healthy we both admit sometimes we needed that.

however I take it back in the extra info the op has provided he’s just an arsehole.

What kind of man tells his pregnant wife to get an abortion because of a disagreement/argument?! How vile and abusive.

This will only get worse as your pregnancy progresses. If you are feeling tired, stressed, hormonal (yes, they make you feel all sorts of weird at times!), worried about anything going on in the pregnancy, I’m not sure you can count on this man to support you. He sounds awful.

Yes, to be honest, yes,🤷🏻‍♀️

@Janieforever

But texting him to come home 25 mins after he left and then being really upset when he got home, as he was gone a total of 40 mins, I don’t think was ok.

Despite the fact he left their ten year anniversary meal after 15 minutes and said he just needed to drop keys off?

I would be sitting at the table wondering what on earth was going on and send a text too.

And I'm not in the least bit clingy.

@runningonberocca

However - he cooked you a lovely meal and then popped around to his parents for less than an hour and you were texting him and “really annoyed” when he came back. That sounds very controlling and claustrophobic

You think it's 'controlling and claustrophobic' to be annoyed someone suddenly left a planned 'lovely' meal after 15 minutes, to go somewhere else unplanned, only returning after nearly an hour?

by the time we sat down together it was almost 9. He went out about 9.15 and didn't come back to 10.05. He likes to be in bed by 10.30/11.

Either you missed that bit or your expectations of how a loving partner behaves are on the floor!