Do you ever feel like everyone does this?

I went out drinking with a bunch of people today. 3 of us grew up 4000+ miles away. 3 of us grew up 8 miles away. We were age 38-71 and all sorts of life experiences.

Just pausing to think... 3 of us went to Uni, 4 didn't. Am thinking about half of our kids will go to Uni, so half won't. I'm not aware that any of us manage anyone at work. And I think I'm the only one who has cats !!

I'm very much in the minority. Late thirties, single, no kids. Not in a well paid career or a 'career woman'. Most people I know have taken OP's route in life. Does make me feel alone at times to be so different and yes, does make me feel like a loser.

Surely all of the things you describe in your OP are the surface details of one’s life. As we change and grow our relationship to these things and ourselves do too. The man I married yeas ago is completely different to the man he is today.

I think in this way it doesn’t matter if it’s what everyone does on paper, it’s your unique experience of these things that matters and how much joy can be experienced because of them.

Kids, marriage, job, uni, house are just things we do along the way but our soul’s journey might take you here there and everywhere.

You may find little doorways into new interests or discover how to be a better friend or traveller or gardener or confidant etc. You may pursue interests and learn new skills, you might learn how to improve honesty and intimacy with your partner in this time.

Life is an internal and external adventure and the things you’ve listed are just a small detail in comparison.

It’s too black and white to look at the kids, job, partner, house thing as though they are unchanging solid things.

At uni for example, I learnt about so much more than just the course content. I resolved my confidence issues around my academic capability.

Having a child who I relate to in so many different ways at each stage teaches me to observe my responses, reflect on my childhood and relationships with my parents.

Taking care of my home and being creative with how it looks and feels and what it means to me is an ever changing and interesting occupation.

My relationship with my husband has unique chapters. Some I’d rather not revisit, some I feel sentimental about and we are always growing, aging, learning together.

Work places are also ever-changing and can reflect areas in which we need to grow (e.g. every workplace has ‘that’ colleague until you learn to have good boundaries).

I wouldn’t get hung up on taking the so called boring route. Life is what you made it.

I went to uni to train as a nurse. I ended up travelling which lead to living in New Zealand, Australia and finally London. I moved home at 40, met the love of my life and had a baby at 42. I’m very glad I have had the experience of travel and living elsewhere before living the conventional life.

@Murrain omg hahahaa I am clearly in denial of having an almost 30 year old!!

Now, @Nugg, even the most advanced three-year-olds haven’t usually worked in management!

I've done all that. I'm in my 60s, still married, retired and my life is far from 'complete'. There are many things I still want to see, learn and experience.

life doesn't stop because you are emotionally and financially settled.

Yeah you could have described my life OP 🤣🤣 met DH at Uni when we were both 20. Married at 24, 1st DC at 28, 2nd at 32. Only I've been a SAHP for nearly 20 years. Have done lots of volunteering roles tho & currently fostering cats for local charity. I'm 48 now & now thinking of trying an exciting new career before I'm an empty nester. Mortgage paid off so no money pressures really though eldest DC going back to 2nd year at Uni so obviously extra money will be v useful to fund that! I'm a bit bored either life tbh & excited to see what lies ahead for me 👏 but I'm also peri menopausal & sleepy so I'll have to factor that in too 🤣 most of my friends have all followed a similar path (except they all work) & most have dogs not cats.

@peachgreen I was widowed at 20 after getting married at 19 which threw plans out of the window. So I went back to college at 21 and became a personal assistant to a City Editor in Fleet Street. I then managed to scrape enough together to buy a little two up, two down and continued to work hard and play hard all through my 20s.

I met my second husband at 32 and we married when I was 34. Started to try and have children but failed and turned to IVF which worked on the third attempt at 40.

Amazingly I had a natural conception at 45 and had our second child.

Life certainly didn’t turn out as I planned but what can you do?? Life is a rollercoaster and you just have to go with it and enjoy your life. And don’t make too many plans.

Yes, most (not all) of my friends and colleagues followed this trend, as did I. Not all have progressed to management, had children or got a dog! Those things are not the only measures of success or happiness though - we all have to find what suits us.

Why do you think these people consider their lives "complete" with nothing left to do?

It's not my story, by the way.

Why are you looking at others and it’s making you feel bad?
We all make different choices in life. My life is pretty similiar to what you described except that it took 8 years to have kids. We all have to do what works best for us and not worry about others.
Plus what makes you think that life is then complete and over after you have kids, a house, a good job etc… there’s way more to life than that. That’s just the stability that people like me want then once I’ve got my financials in order and comfortable and have a family and love and care about me then I feel that I’ve got people who have my back. What I struggled with pre kids is not having someone who loves me and would do anything for me and kids who adore me too and I adore them too.

You're describing my DH apart from our wedding being samey. We both think weddings are a waste of money.

My path is not quite so set. Still neither of us feel life is complete.

To be honest I don't get why it matters. None of us are important. We are just specks in time. Do what you've got to do and try to be happy with it. Stop expecting 'more'.

Well it's pretty common really. Many people go to uni then start jobs with companies and work their way up.

Regarding getting married and having children, yes that's also very common as people fall in love and want to have a family. The house buying, also very common as you want somewhere to live that's yours. Cat dog - who doesn't love a pet!

So yes, but these things don't make life 'complete'. They're just really lovely things to have, so many people do it. I have everything on your list except second child and I feel very content in life. But I'm not 'done' with life!

I know very few people who could achieve that now. Apart from the fact that actually most working people are in low income retail, hospitality, admin, health care etc jobs, not to mention zero hour contracts, and can’t afford to buy a studio flat, never mind a house. I expect the majority of the population would die of gratitude to be able to have such a comfortable life.

Or you build and maintain friendships with people in different walks of life. They’re definitely out there.

Yeah in my circle (aged early 40s) what you describe is fairly typical, with the exception perhaps of working up to management level and the number of kids, but that's looking at people from a fairly fortunate well educated background, there's plenty of people that aren't walking that path! I know loads of people that don't fit the description you gave..

And times are changing, with the cost of living crisis and climate change issues people are having less/no kids and can't necessarily afford the nice house.

Me and my dh have ultimately tried to do what makes us happy, we both retrained from jobs we didn't like, me moving from a well paid souless job (well a job that I found souless, everyone has different values) into a more rewarding but less well paid job. We have one kid but late due to infertility. We do seek stability because that reduces our anxiety for the future so yeah we're working, we're thinking of our mortgage etc

It's hard sometimes not to compare with others but as the saying goes "comparison is the thief of joy". You do you, try not to feel superior or inferior to anyone else because... what's the point?

No that only represents a tiny proportion of my friends/relatives.

I've a couple who are In the arts/freelance. A couple in the trades, a couple in academic traditional careers like you describe and some stay at home parents

Not me. I never went to Uni, back in the 80s you had to be pretty clever (nowadays everyone goes as a right of passage much like going on your first holiday with your pals).
Didn’t marry until much older either, one child.
Oh and we don’t have a dog.

That's fairly similar to my journey, with a few diversions on the way. But none of my siblings had that life and neither did my DP. I've quite a lot of friends that have done other things too.

Well ... yes.

It's the pattern of most animal life isn't it? Build a secure nest, find a mate, procreate?

It's not surprising that most people follow a similar path to achieve the above, given that to build a secure home, you'd need a steady job for that and having a mate (should!) make providing for kids easier.

There are slight variations, but I wouldn't really see missing some of the above as a major deviation these days.

We all like to think we're living a fresh, original life but that's rarely true.

I had a child much younger than most and I don't have a job in management but yes, my life is very ordinary and I would say, still largely conforms to the above.

I found all my work colleagues to be the same, and usually met their SO at university. I was a single parent with 2 kids.... The ONLY single parent there. They were all lovely people though & happy... I think. But some were..... Boring to me 😂

The only person I know who did what you describe in your op is my dh and i think of him as really unusual! In my small group of friends, exactly half have children and we are all between 37 and 42, so don't think many more will have them now. One is divorced, three are single and four couples are married but one of them didn't do it till really recently and they didn't tell anyone or invite anyone. Everyone except dh and one other guy has job hopped a lot! I think it's really unusual to stay in the same company for years and years

My life trajectory has been similar to this tbf, as have a few of my friends but also many other friends whose lives are v different. Some have no kids by choice, some by design, some single parents since the beginning, others through divorce or being widowed. Some went to uni straight from school, others went later, some strongly career minded, others have changed careers and others who couldn’t give a hoot! It’s nice to have a diverse group of friends and different perspectives on life. Life isn’t a tick box exercise and those choices aren’t for everyone, I know some who ticked all those boxes and have been thoroughly miserable and others who didn’t and are v happy indeed, just

do what makes you happy!

This is me, except for getting married / finding a life partner. I have a few single friends but the vast majority are married and I do feel like a failure for never having been able to sustain a long term relationship, despite being considered 'successful' in all other aspects of my life.