DH thinks I'm stuck up because I hate making a scene / shouting outside

have read your updates OP.

I go back to my first comment: You have 2 choices (that is: Status Quo or leave and get rid of this weight around your neck)

I'd take the 2nd option. You have tried repeatedly, he blocks. Nothing will change. So unless you can accept Status Quo, you're down to one option.

Who cares if he thinks you're "trying to be middle class"? Sounds like just another tatty thing he says and another reason to ditch him.

@Sharknails Ah sorry OP I misread that as your DH spitting.
Yes you're right, you shouldn't have to put up with your DH behaviour.

Get rid, op. Your poor kids. I know you don't want them to suffer through the same upbringing you did.

There's nothing worse than hearing loud, brutish men barging around whilst their DW and DC run after them trying to appease. The spitting is absolutely disgusting, and ASD or not, he could have done it in a tissue.

I'm pleased you're not going to tolerate this behaviour anymore as OP as it's really unfair. Either he works on getting properly diagnosed and supported, or you make plans to leave.

I say this as someone with ADHD and ASD myself

Of course poor behaviour shouldn't gp unchecked but 'stop it now or I will leave' is never going to work. It is always going to be a gradual process to shed a life long coping mechanism. Working out alternative ways that work for allof you can be done with time, thought and care but again if the care and respect isn't there it isn't going to work.

that only works if DH is on board. So i don't think the "ultimatum" should be "stop or i leave" it should be "if this carries on i am off", because ND or not - OP doesn't have to put up with this behaviour and refusal to engage with her on the subject in any meaningful way.

I think OP has put up with a lot too.
It could be that her DH has autism. But even if he doesn't go for a formal diagnosis he could do what other people in this situation do: recognise the behaviours and take actions to mitigate the behaviours.

For eg, one of my DC has been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. As soon as we suspected this might be the case, and while waiting for the diagnosis we did a lot of reading around the subject and started to implement things that help people with, say, executive disfunction. And this helped greatly, so when the diagnosis and advice and support came (not in UK) they were already doing some of the recommended things.

Turns out, since i have a lot of the same behaviours (as does my mum) i may also have ADHD - i have developed strategies over the years, and am now using some of the things that help my DC. And it has made a massive difference.

So, OP, is there any chance you might get your DH to do some of the things that help your DC? It might be good for you all.

I think OP has had a lot to put up with and has provided an immense amount of support. Her DH hasn't even bothered to get a diagnosis, while she is sorting bills, appointments, holidays, kids.

I think the OP sounds remarkably patient for the level of shit behaviour this man is displaying. He sounds immature, attention seeking and unbearable to be around. She has to pussy foot around him to manage him, while battling her own issues and raising two children with ASD. I’d have checked out long ago.

I don't believe you're being ableist at all, OP.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD and I'm on the waiting list for Autism assessment.

I get overwhelmed very easily on a sensory level and my anxiety warps into irritation/anger. This has made me unkind and, I'd say, verbally and emotionally inappropriate/abusive with my daughters in the past, before I took action and started working my butt off on myself.

I am far from Mother of the Year, but I am so much better than I was. Understanding and working upon myself has enabled me to support my twins with their own Neurodivergence (they're 5, so our issues are very different.

Autism could definitely explain the areas your husband struggles with, but it's not excusable that he hasn't sought to work upon these areas for the sake of his family, iyswim?

Sure. Like I said leave if you want to. I'm not saying you should or need to stay with him, in fact i said the opposite. I can still point out though that you have zero respect or care for him and have been revelling in people slagging him off and calling him names throughout this thread. Whether your lack of respect for him is because of his disability or not only you know but that lack of respect is here clear as day in black and white.

Of course poor behaviour shouldn't gp unchecked but 'stop it now or I will leave' is never going to work. It is always going to be a gradual process to shed a life long coping mechanism. Working out alternative ways that work for all of you can be done with time, thought and care but again if the care and respect isn't there it isn't going to work.

I understand completely how difficult it can be living with someone who is late diagnosed/received no interventions, it isn't easy and it does wear you down. I also know though that with patience and understanding of the disability tweaks can be made to make things more tolerable to everyone. It has to be a thought out plan though, implemented and maybe changed overtime and it sounds like neither of you have the love or respect there to make that possible. Hence my advice to end it now rather than make pointless ultimatums that he cannot possibly fulfill.

Is is shameful, or something?

Nah, that's not narcissism. It's really text book adult male undiagnosed/late diagnosed autism. Thinking that because you know something is true everyone else must do too, he knows his intentions so just can't comprehend that others can't. I'm not a shrink so don't know the term for it but ask wives of adult males with autism if their husbands think they can mind read, I would say 95% would say yes.

The same goes for not going to the Drs, I know a man with autism who nearly died from a uti because he refused to go to the Dr, whatever was holding him back from going was stronger than the fear for his health. I sometimes wonder if this contributes to the lower life expectancy autistic people have. Again i don't know the term for it but it is really common.

The OP is pretty much textbook describing an adult male autisyic who has gone through life with zero help. Even if he got diagnosed now he would get zero help unless they paid privately. The OP absolutely doesn't have to stay with anyone she doesn't want to but slagging off a person with a disability(like lots are doing) who has had to navigate their entire lives without help or understanding(and people assuming they are common, attention seeking narcs) and who in some cases may have developed coping mechanisms that aren't soft and fluffy so they can hold down jobs and provide for their families like they are told men have to do is pretty shitty to be honest.

OP like I think it is clear by the fact that you are here encouraging and revelling in people slagging off your disabled husband, describing him as a 'fishwife' because his dysregulation due to his disability embarrasses you that the best thing for you all would be to separate. If the loves not there, it's not there, it pointless setting him tasks he cannot complete, just do the kind thing and end it now.

Have you tied videoing his behaviour and showing him when he’s calm and not in the moment?

You grew up with a parent who did this, so you went and married someone who does the same thing?

Saying people marry their parents is a well worn trope, but perhaps there is some truth in it?

Clearly @mathanxiety has a deep understanding of the twattery you deal with OP.

"He's adamant that it's not abuse because it isn't intended that way and he's just venting." 🙄

He's got surprising self awareness hasn't he ......considering he is able to critique and defend how you and the children should interpret his dreadful behaviour.🙄

Whatever name can be found to put on his behaviour, he sounds like an unbearable stressful twat to be around.

Life is too short if you can manage to eject him from your life.

At 39 like this, he will be probably be unbearable at 49 and beyond.

Think long and hard about your future landscape and what it will be like with him in it refusing to make any effort to accommodate his family as he morphs into a grumpy old man.

Bleak doesn't touch it.

That's hilarious that you have declared yourself as "middle class" 🤣🙄

It's less that you're behaving stuck up and more that he's behaving like he's common as muck.

LTB. (After buying him a football shirt and a baseball cap, for a laugh!) 🧢 😆

@Sharknails totally doctor adverse. Has a chronic condition he regularly fails to take medication for. Has done something to his shoulder, but won’t go to gp to get referral to orthopod (again had private health insurance).I think with my DH it’s a case of being squeamish, but also his way of dealing with difficult things is to pretend they are not happening. He sees taking tablets each day as a hassle so doesn’t bother.

Our DS is so much happier since being diagnosed because me and school can manage his triggers. He’s also much more aware why he feels different to other people and that’s not because he’s weird or naughty. He is learning to identify when he needs a break.

I find it utterly frustrating DH won’t consider assessment given the benefits to DS and the possibility it could help him and the family generally.

Fingers crossed with the holiday. I wish you all the best and really hope it goes ok and you get to enjoy yourself. .

He wants to be judged by his intentions and not on the impact his behaviour has on others?

Sorry, but that's narcissism.

His intentions are perfectly honorable and good 100% of the time, no doubt. Everyone needs to try harder to see that and get over their hurt...

Been there, bought the Tshirt. ExH hasn't forgiven me for calling a screeching halt to the insanity.