Baby's surname

Generally, I think parents choose a name because it is a family name or some name that they have heard before and liked it very much. Sometimes they become creative with the spellings in an effort to be creative or unique.

Names mean little. It is the character behind the name that matters.

Often times children are not overly fond of the creative names, as they prefer names that are common within their peer groups.

Life is far too short to waste much time being angry about the selection or use of a name, but then again everyone has a right to set and choose their own priorities and lines in the sand.

FFS, why on earth did you get pregnant with this man, you already have 2 children who have been through enough, you didn't even want a third that much, and you clearly didn't have detailed discussions about surnames or sharing the parenting load.

He doesn't sound like a keeper so you should end the relationship (and do the freedom programme).

If you continue the pregnancy you are going to be a single parent with a difficult ex. I would terminate if I were you. Your choice of course but if you do have the baby, register the birth without him (he can't register the birth without you, so he can't force you to give baby his surname).

Baby takes your surname. This objectionable man will be out of your lives before the child is at school.

From your post, this relationship doesn't sound like it will go the distance. If you give the baby his surname you will regret it. Your surname or double barrel if you want.

He sounds very controlling :(

This isn’t about the surname.

This is about a man who doesn’t live with you (and hasn’t even proposed marriage to you) pressuring you into a pregnancy you didn’t actively want and now using threats of leaving you to make you obey him. This does not look like a relationship that will make you or your children happy. 😔

Anyway. YANBU to give the baby your surname when you aren’t married. If you were married, I’d suggest you all together come up with a new name (eg hyphenated or some other combination) and then change everyone in the family to that name. But that isn’t the situation here, and as I said, this is not about the name. This is about bullying and controlling you.

Good luck OP.

Lol. Let him leave. You're giving birth to one baby so don't need to be looking after two.

speechless. so sorry Op. and yes, for the love of god your surname

Does he often threaten you as a way of getting what he wants? Or has this nasty bullying only started now you’re pregnant?

He’s a dick. Please consider all of your options carefully. You’re already bringing up two kids alone.

Suggest that he also takes your surname if he feels so strongly about baby having the same name as him.

I gave my children my surname as I wanted to have the same surname as them. Several years down the line I married their dad and decide to have us all take his surname. You can re register their birth and give them his surname, they get a new birth certificate, so you all have the same surname.

If it’s an option for you ending the pregnancy might be worth considering. You were in an abusive relationship, and you’re in another one.

If you’ve not done the Freedom Programme please do it now ( even online ). If you have do it again.

Baby should have mums surname. If he wanted his name he should* *marry you and hope you change your name first. If he would leave over it then he isn't great husband material anyway

I'd tell him his attitude has convinced you you're doing the right thing. He's emotionally blackmailing you, and if he will threaten to walk over not getting his own way then he'll probably do the same thing in the future over another issue. Best use your surname as he'll be gone at some point.

I agree with others that you might want to consider all options open to you, if you were not keen for another child.

Far better to be on your own with all your DC than in a relationship with a coercive controlling abuser. That’s what he is, and it’s almost certainly only the start (abuse often starts in pregnancy/ after birth).

Dont give the baby his name, and to be honest if you want to do the best thing for you and all your DC get rid. He won’t change, and the abuse will ramp up. Appeasing him now will only encourage him.

Forget the name, in your circumstances I'd consider ending the pregnancy and the relationship

Your surname always.

I would have suggested the offer of his name as a middle name somewhere but he's an arsehole so no.

The whole Spanish speaking world manages this quite easily. Everyone has two surnames. No-one changes their name on marriage. All children take one name from each parent.

Definitely your surname, or both yours and his, Spanish style. If that is a splitting up issue for him then he's shown you who he is and its best he leaves now.

Let him walk then. Ridiculous man!

If he’s willing to threaten to leave you over what should be a fairly easily resolved discussion... then the chances are that you’ll be raising 3 children alone anyway, he’s hardly likely to suddenly become a reasonable adult magically before the birth.

we double barrelled ours. However this man does not sound nice in the slightest!

Mate, it could be in 20 years time.

It’s hardly in the very very distant future?

There isn't a chance that I would give my partner's surname to my child unless it waa mine too. This is without taking into consideration the fact he has bullied you into having a baby in the first place. He sounds awful.

Why is that a concern for giving the child the surname now? Maybe the child will never marry - and if the child does, surely the question is about the surnames of any potential grandchildren, not assuming that the child will change surname at marriage?

Why would it be selfish to use your name and not selfish of him to use his?
Surely its less selfish for your name to be used as its motivated, at least partly, by the want for cohesion of your family and for the benefit of all of your children sharing a name.

Why does he think his is more suitable? His pride, ownership, tradition? Anything of benefit to your child?

Unless he has a particularly great surname and yours is unusually terrible, there is no reason for his choice to overrule yours.