To be upset about this

Tillie84 · 2023-08-12T21:14:17+00:00

Just been watching Casino Royal with DH. I turned to DH and said “i wish I looked like Eva Green”. He said nothing and then I said “it would be good wouldn’t it?” DH said “yes that would be good if you looked like Eva Green”. I said “wrong answer” DH then said “I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong here, you said it would be good if you looked like Eva Green and I agreed” I then said I was going to bed and just left. He hasn’t moved or come to see me. AIBU to be upset about this?! DH knows I’ve been upset about my weight recently, I’ve been having some issues with anxiety, just yesterday was prescribed medication from GP relating to anxiety issues. Guess I just thought DH might reassure me I look fine as I am but I guess not :( or am I being stupid/over reacting etc ??

Valeriekat · 09/11/2023 09:20

Eva Green is so beautiful.

FloydPepper · 08/11/2023 10:01

Interesting to see what sort of a poster sees an 8 page thread and thinks “I know, I’ll just comment on the first post. It’s far more important I have my say than I actually read to see what’s really going on”

Nothanksthanksanyway · 08/11/2023 09:42

Oh for goodness sake!! Poor guy was never getting that right! Stop being so difficult with him!

Middleagedmeangirls · 08/11/2023 09:40

Don't put lack of intimacy down to your weight. I am slim and small waisted with big boobs (so the western societal sexual ideal) but DH and I haven't been intimate for about 8 years. His choice not mine. It hurt me a lot when it first started but he refused to see a doctor about it and kept saying things would change but they never did.

I could have LTB but he isn't a bastard. He's lovely and I love him. We still have a loving affectionate relationship with hugs and kisses and handholds and cuddles but I don't think we will ever have sex again. I 'fulfill my own needs' (ahem). I miss the closeness post coital intimacy brings but leaving him wouldn't bring us any closer.

It's not a brother/sister relationship as people often describe sexless marriages. It's much closer, more exclusive, thoughtful and emotionally enmeshed than that so to my mind it's still a romantic partnership. I've just had to accept things as they are.

Original poster

Tillie84 · 18/08/2023 06:38

HelpMeUnpickThis · 17/08/2023 20:27

@Tillie84

This is what I came to say too. I think you have been so good at taking on board all the feedback and also graciously replying to and thanking everyone for all their responses - even the rude ones who didn’t read the full thread and just came to pile on.

I also think you should also do things that make you happy. Don’t get bogged down worrying about your weight (you have mentioned that a few times), stop intimacy that is one sided, don’t put your self worth all in his hands. I don’t know who Eva Green is but I am sure you are attractive and look after yourself. You don’t need him to rubber stamp your looks as the only measure of your attractiveness.

He sounds a bit self absorbed and self involved at the moment. Maybe there is a reason for that but it’s not your job to be his emotional fixer. He needs to put some effort into things too - especially your sex life.

I want to virtually shake you (gently!) and tell you that you deserve a good sex life and to feel noticed and valued and appreciated and confident within your relationship.

Stand up for yourself and what you deserve and don’t put yourself down.

Don’t be scared to assert your needs and desires and stop blaming yourself for everything.

💐

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Thank you very much. We are making time to talk now and actually having conversations about it all!
i am sure we can get there thank you so much x

OP posts:

HelpMeUnpickThis · 17/08/2023 20:27

Tillie84 · 15/08/2023 04:23

Thank you very much

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@Tillie84

This is what I came to say too. I think you have been so good at taking on board all the feedback and also graciously replying to and thanking everyone for all their responses - even the rude ones who didn’t read the full thread and just came to pile on.

I also think you should also do things that make you happy. Don’t get bogged down worrying about your weight (you have mentioned that a few times), stop intimacy that is one sided, don’t put your self worth all in his hands. I don’t know who Eva Green is but I am sure you are attractive and look after yourself. You don’t need him to rubber stamp your looks as the only measure of your attractiveness.

He sounds a bit self absorbed and self involved at the moment. Maybe there is a reason for that but it’s not your job to be his emotional fixer. He needs to put some effort into things too - especially your sex life.

I want to virtually shake you (gently!) and tell you that you deserve a good sex life and to feel noticed and valued and appreciated and confident within your relationship.

Stand up for yourself and what you deserve and don’t put yourself down.

Don’t be scared to assert your needs and desires and stop blaming yourself for everything.

💐

Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 23:18

UnderCarraigeWoes · 15/08/2023 18:50

Aw OP, you just feel shit about yourself and wanted him to make you feel good. You did it in a cackhanded way but you weren't being abusive.

An honest conversation is needed as you can't let his attitude to you and intimacy go on, it'll just tear you apart little by little until you've no self esteem left.

If he says he doesn't fancy you anymore it would be dreadful but at least you'd know, you wouldn't be living this cycle of damaging behaviour. It may be something else entirely that you both need to work on or it may mean the end of things but you could at least cope with that and get in with your life and heal from this and find someone who values and appreciates you.

Thank you.
we have started talking and moving forward and I think we will get there ☺️
we both have work to do but I know we can do it x

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 23:15

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 12:38

@TiTillie84 Thanks for giving us the update. Good news that you and your DH both want to stay together and both recognise that there are things to work on.

It does sound as if talking about your problems will be difficult for both of you. I wonder if marriage counselling or couples counselling would help.

Yes I think counselling would be a good idea to help us get back on the same wavelength with communicating! X

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 23:13

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 16/08/2023 13:07

Good luck x

Thanks 😊 x

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 23:12

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 16:20

RTFT or at least have the decency to read the OP's replies.

She messed up, she's acknowledged that and her DH wasn't bothered when she spoke to him the next day.

If you had bothered to RTFT, you would know that the OP is far from being a bully.

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Thanks @cariadlet
That was not the first comment saying my husband should leave me :(
but at least we are working on it all and headed the right direction :)

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MNetcurtains · 16/08/2023 17:21

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 15:00

Well aren't you a charmer! If someone doesn't disclose everything in the first post, they can expect a pile on?
You need to work on your empathy. I hope you're not bitchy to friends or colleagues who open up to you.

Fair enough to only respond to an OP in a new thread but when a thread has this many posts, it's pretty obvious that a conversation has developed.

If you are too lazy to read all of an op's replies, let alone actually RTFT, then maybe just keep your thoughts to yourself because you clearly won't have a clue what's going on.

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Oh, get over yourself.🙄

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 16:20

onefinemess · 16/08/2023 15:33

OP, you're a bully. You're abusing your husband. Playing mind games and manipulating him.

He needs to leave you ASAP.

.

RTFT or at least have the decency to read the OP's replies.

She messed up, she's acknowledged that and her DH wasn't bothered when she spoke to him the next day.

If you had bothered to RTFT, you would know that the OP is far from being a bully.

onefinemess · 16/08/2023 15:36

Loopylune · 12/08/2023 22:29

Well he should really have known better but their fact he’s not bothered coming to see you sounds like maybe he’s fed up with it all? I mean if you say a lot of stuff like that it’s going to wear thin he’s probably thinking for gods sake why can’t she just be happy with herself? He obviously loves you and wants to be with you for who you are not because you look like Eva Green.

I only say this because I’m totally the type of person to be disparaging about myself and I think it is annoying to people so I try not to these days!

Known better about what?

onefinemess · 16/08/2023 15:33

OP, you're a bully. You're abusing your husband. Playing mind games and manipulating him.

He needs to leave you ASAP.

.

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 15:00

MNetcurtains · 16/08/2023 14:20

I was responding to the OP. Expect a pile on if you're not going to provide context and, instead, drip feed.

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Well aren't you a charmer! If someone doesn't disclose everything in the first post, they can expect a pile on?
You need to work on your empathy. I hope you're not bitchy to friends or colleagues who open up to you.

Fair enough to only respond to an OP in a new thread but when a thread has this many posts, it's pretty obvious that a conversation has developed.

If you are too lazy to read all of an op's replies, let alone actually RTFT, then maybe just keep your thoughts to yourself because you clearly won't have a clue what's going on.

MNetcurtains · 16/08/2023 14:20

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 14:31

RTFT including the OP's updates instead of having a go at her.

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I was responding to the OP. Expect a pile on if you're not going to provide context and, instead, drip feed.

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 16/08/2023 13:07

Good luck x

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 12:38

@TiTillie84 Thanks for giving us the update. Good news that you and your DH both want to stay together and both recognise that there are things to work on.

It does sound as if talking about your problems will be difficult for both of you. I wonder if marriage counselling or couples counselling would help.

cariadlet · 16/08/2023 12:33

ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:59

You dug your own hole here.
DP would love to look like Brad Pitt. I would also love DP to look like Brad Pitt. But if he did, we almost certainly wouldn't be together as he'd be with someone better looking than me!
It's just the kind of lighthearted conversations couples have, but you turned it into something else for some reason.

FFS not another one.
RTFT before jumping in and having a go at the OP. If you can't be bothered to do that, at least read the OP's replies and then come back and apologise.

ManchesterLu · 16/08/2023 10:59

You dug your own hole here.
DP would love to look like Brad Pitt. I would also love DP to look like Brad Pitt. But if he did, we almost certainly wouldn't be together as he'd be with someone better looking than me!
It's just the kind of lighthearted conversations couples have, but you turned it into something else for some reason.

Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:36

Thank you.
we have started talking, I think we have both been rubbish communicators but in different ways!
We at least have established we do want to be together but we do need to work on things and make time for certain things. It will take work from both sides.

DH likes to hope issues will resolve itself, I make too much of a fuss over the wrong things rather than focusing on the real issue.
we need to find a balance somewhere in the middle ie I need to let some things go, and he needs to acknowledge some things.

I guess we are Ying and yang and currently off balance but I think we can find it again! X

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:30

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2023 18:33

Dear new posters, please click "read all" on OP's posts before you comment!!

Thank you 😊

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

WatchOutMissMarpleIsAbout · 15/08/2023 20:01

Ffs read the thread or if you can’t be bothered to do that at least read the ops replies.

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Thank you 🙏

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

blackbeardsballsack · 15/08/2023 21:45

Oh my god shut up

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Lol thanks ☺️

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Original poster

Tillie84 · 16/08/2023 10:29

cariadlet · 15/08/2023 18:10

No problem!

I started reading this thread on the day you first posted and had exactly the same thoughts as those who are still piling on.

The difference is, that I actually RTFT so I know that:
1 When all the early posts said YBU, you quickly realised that everyone was right and that you had messed up by engineering a no-win situation.

It's not easy to acknowledge that you're wrong and most posters in AIBU flounce off when everyone disagrees with them.

What happened was a symptom of bigger issues ie problems in the relationship and your anxiety & poor self-esteem (you seem a much nicer person than you give yourself credit for)

Thankfully, there have been lots of decent posters who also recognise this and you have had some good advice and supportive comments.

Because this thread is on the list of threads that I'm on, whenever I come onto Mumsnet, I see if there are new posts.

When there are a few in a row by people having a go because they haven't RTFT, that feels like bullying and it pisses me off.
Only takes a moment to write a quick reply.
I'm still waiting for one of them to have the decency to come back and apologise. Could be a long wait.

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Aw thank you so much.
yes there have been some posters with some very nice and helpful comments and of course are one of them :)
its fair enough when people disagree and some have done so respectfully, and I have taken all comments onboard, but I thought everyone makes mistakes at some point so it’s good to learn from them but I do think some of the comments have been a bit harsh :(
one person did make a comment before reading the thread, then one again right after to say sorry and acknowledge things and I appreciate that.
I have felt so guilty about what I did, but I just keep trying and I’ll find better ways to communicate.
I spoke with DH last night about it all and he didn’t even remember the Eva Green comment! I think in my head it was a bigger deal than it was, probably because if the way I was feeling but he hadn’t even noticed. He was too engrossed in the movie and had two bottles of wine.
I apologised and he thought I was silly to feel bad and nothing to be sorry for, I guess you had to be there to see how it went and I’m not good at explaining things so perhaps made it seem like some big argument or so when it wasn’t.
We still have some talking to do about the bigger picture but it’s a start. He acknowledged how I’ve been feeling and doesn’t want me to feel that way but I do need to communicate my feelings better.
i think we have a different way of approaching problems, with his being to ignore and pretend it’s not there, and mine being to skirt around the issue and focus on the wrong things. So neither of us actually communicate about it directly enough but it’s not intentional on either part.
I do feel hopefuL that we can move in the right direction together and I think it will take work from both sides but we’ll get there!
thank you so much x

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