Nephews Behaviour?

Only a qualified psychiatrist can tell you if you have autism or not.

Autism Preston many different ways.
Parenting classes are used to gaslight parents into thinking it’s their fault.

Schools can’t afford to support children with additional needs so they blame these issues on ‘bad parenting’.

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children. There have been no concerns from nursery with ?SN but sister has been referred for parenting classes. We also have extended family members on the spectrum so are quite hot on it as a family

You definitely don't know this for sure. It's concerning that you think you do.

Surely this is a combination of neurodiversity and poor parenting?

Your sister NEEDS those parenting lessons.

And no matter how fun your nephew is when on form you should be minimising contact. This is modelling poor relationships / a bad model of behaviour for your children.

…and that is how narcissists are made.

Next birthday don’t invite your sister and nephew. Why should your child’s birthday party be ruined each year.

Whether he is neurodiverse or not makes no difference to the fact that his mother's parenting is dreadful. I have spent a lifetime's career working with children with over the whole range of neuro diversity including PDA (and their parents) and SIL's approach would not have been even close to effective or beneficial for any one of them.

Many of the children would struggle with parties, but offering them a toy from Amazon and giving them their own cake at someone else's party would be counter -productive in all cases. If a patent reported that this was how they were handling their child, we'd be working with them on strategies and behaviour plans.

His mum is wrong. Family would put up with his behaviour if they saw it being handled effectively and fairly by his parents. But today was a shit show and the other kids and adults don't need to put up with it, whether he's NT or not.

Your idiot sister is raising a spoilt and entitled brat who she will not be able to cope with in the future.
Stop the family parties and distance yourself from them.

I’m autistic and absolutely prefer that language over ‘has autism’. Autism is the way I’m hardwired, it’s literally what causes my brain’s physical structure and it informs how I perceive/interact with the world. If you removed it, I’d be a totally different person.

I have hayfever… but I AM autistic.

Many people in the ND community have the same language preference so it’s not a blanket rule.

He may well have undiagnosed additional needs. There are many ways in which they can present. It may be that your sister is trying to keep a lid on an explosive situation, to be generous.

However, I genuinely don't think that approach is generally helpful. One of my children is autistic, and I have always been very clear - their birthday is their special day, their sibling doesnt get stuff too "so they don't feel left out". It's their day, and the sibling benefits from enjoying the party/cake/treat/balloons we share together. And then vice versa. I was always very keen to make this clear. Luckily both siblings have been good with this and respect others' birthdays as that person's day.

That said, I do know it's not the case for every child. Life, and kids, are not always easy.

But I do think the sister has set a precedent and SEN or not, it's not going to be productive.

I do know friends of ours who buy a present for our birthday child plus a smaller one for their sibling. It's well meant but I hate it, as it sets up an expectation.

I would also create some distance between the children for the time being. My friend had to have an awkward conversation with her very close friend as their same age sons would clash due to the friends son being very physical, snatching toys and screaming if he didn't get his own way. He was never disciplined (I witnessed this) and was often rewarded for crying and sulking with sweets to "cheer him up". She ended up tactfully saying that it was clear the boys didn't see eye to eye at the moment and that it was stressful for both of them. She said it would be best to meet up as adults for now until the boys got a bit older. They are still friends years on, the boys are now 15 and not close, but certainly not enemies!
I know this being family makes it more difficult but you could try a tactfully truthful conversation with your sister. It doesn't need to be confrontational.

Your nephew is a spoilt little brat, and your sister is a moron. She's doing him and her no favours at all, in the long-run

He hasn’t got any SN. My oldest is ASD and I’m a health care professional working with SEND children.

Doubly disappointing then, that you should say any child is ASD.

Also, you have a duty of care to protect your DC from DN - he slaps and bites? Tells you to F off? There’s no way I’d be spending time with him.

Honestly, I'd either not invite nephew at all or not have family parties. Sounds awful but I don't see what you can do about it without falling out with DSis. I'd definitely distance myself form that though!

This. Because your sister is behaving like an idiot, so your nephew won’t start behaving nicely any time soon!

Did her DH or your mum not suggest that the birthday candle thing was ridiculous?

Will she do that at every class party?!

There is a slight irony in judging her for pandering to him when you are also pandering by having a second party...for him.

Ditch the second party. Tell your son she can parent hiw she wants, as can you. Of necessary you can add that you dont think it's right to order a toy for poor behaviour, hence you dont/wont do it for DS. Then put it in the fuck it bucket and remember that one day you will all laugh about how strange it was.

I wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned this. Reading what the sister did here really is appalling parenting on every level. Her child is, simply, very spoilt, calls the shots on everything it seems, has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever, and clearly his very bad destructive behaviour is a result of lazy parenting. You have more patience than me OP. They would have both been shown the door within five minutes of getting there.

My DC have known not to do this from 1.5 years old and both of them are neurodivergent. It’s your job as a parent to manage the problem

He'll either learn to "get it" next year at school going to whole class parties, in which case you might see an improvement in his behaviour, or the party invitations will start to dry up by Y1. My DC could be slightly wild at parties (nothing like this though, more running about and not sitting down for the party tea) but now has party etiquette down to a tee. You're not wrong though - dreadful parenting from your sister. She should have had him out the door the minute he kicked off rather than let him ruin your DC's party.

I feel for all of you.

You are trying to give a lovely party to your child and be inclusive of your nephew despite your concerns.

Your nephew is struggling to manage his emotions for whatever reason so it’s all painful for him.

Your sister is probably ashamed and embarrassed about her son’s behaviour and is probably becoming increasingly concerned about his emotional development.

She tried to make amends for the card ripping and was probably trying to minimise a full meltdown from her son by promising him a toy when they returned home (she would have felt the full force of judgement from other adults when she did this).

I think it’s times like this that we need to appreciate how lucky we are that our own children don’t present with these difficult behaviours and reflect upon how hard social situations are for your sister and her son and how lonely a place that can be.

Children with these kinds of difficulties require a different approach that isn’t always understood by other parents.

I think it’s time for you to ask your sister if she is okay. Praise her for trying to de-escalate the situation and see if she confides in you about her concerns.

When it starts to dawn on parents that their children are a bit different, it can be like a grieving process and unfortunately this can be a time when they are most excluded from friends and family.

Its the easy route to judge her but less easy to be part of her support network.

I would 100% distance myself if I was you. My nephew isn’t a very nice child to be around he has a big sister & a big brother but the world revolves around him. He’s nearly 7 can do no wrong he often throws tantrums full on kicking and screaming until he gets his own way and my sister gives in every time while her other 2 go without. His terrible behaviour is always rewarded while the other two who aren’t much older are absolutely lovely and get completely overlooked. I had to distance myself and my child from this as it’s not something I or my child want to witness

Oh dear. You don’t need to put up with this and nor do your kids . Your sister needs help - does she recognise this ? You are an experienced professional - can you help her find support and techniques for dealing with this child ? Does she have a partner to help her or does the child have another mother or father ? Such bad parenting almost becomes abusive doesn’t it as this child will fail to thrive ? How sad .

This is so true! I know someone who parents like this. She had her child have been banned for more homes I can't count. Now of course it's not the child's fault his mother is parenting horribly but no one likes this child at all. That is what is going to happen here mark my words