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AIBU?

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Tradwives

238 replies

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 12/08/2023 17:12

Whilst mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the other day, a video came up on my feed (whatever that section is called where they post suggested videos) of a ‘tradwife’ - an American woman (she must have been no older than 24) who was actively promoting a traditional married lifestyle - a man as provider, woman as homemaker, with the man as the ‘leader’ of the family and the wife submitting to her husband’s leadership. She posts videos of herself cooking and cleaning and dressing up for her husband every day, and regularly speaks about how she has certain rules for herself to keep herself in her place, like not going out after dark without her husband, asking her husbands permission before she does things. I got the impression that she likes this lifestyle and has chosen it and he goes along with it - she’s always talking about how it was her lifelong dream to live like this. She’s even started dressing in retro housewife outfits - like a sort of 1950s vibe. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing and seems very happy. I was intrigued about this movement and when I Googled it, it seems that this is a growing movement with lots of people posting about it and promoting the lifestyle. I was so surprised as I’ve never really met anyone like this. I was wondering if anyone on Mumsnet is a part of this movement (or even just follows this lifestyle/holds these beliefs in private). No reason really other than curiosity!

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 20:36

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

Oh the Irony!

All men want women like you do they?

Tradwife360 · 12/08/2023 20:25

Finally my username makes sense on a thread and won’t just get me flamed..
I absolutely love my lifestyle and wouldn’t swap it for the best ‘career’ in the world. Why work for someone that would replace you tomorrow when you are absolutely irreplaceable to your husband and children. I think all men secretly want to be married to a tradwife!

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 20:22

Tradwife is nothing like SAHW in my book. Nothing wrong with working as a team with your spouse in any equitable relationship where labour and money are shared. My parents had a very functional version of an equal split of SAHM and WOHF. DH and I try to split work and home responsibilities as best as we can.

It is the submissive thing that makes me cold. Why would one adult submit to another? Utterly dysfunctional.

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 20:19

Sorry, what do you mean it’s a shame I mentioned it? (That sounds huffy, it’s not at all I just mean do you think I shouldn’t have commented on it? Or am i misunderstanding you?)

I am delighted to find someone else who knows who she is! I think she’s fascinating because she is so obviously so smart and driven that she almost can’t help making a success of herself and then inevitably when she does the DH has to almost bumble over and take it over.

Compared to Farmhouse on Boone where Lisa is quite traditional wife with 8 kids but is open that her husband now works with her behind the scenes supporting what she does. I think the reason that works because they’re focusing on the connection between a female influencer and a largely female audience.

It jarred so much when E just took over and instead of having K show me how to reorganise my kitchen and get a ton of from-scratch cooking in a very time-focused way, I now have 45 seconds of cheesy montage of the Happiest Family Ever and then him wittering on as they sit stiffly on a sofa.

DinoDough · 12/08/2023 20:16

Tradwife, must check before posting!

DinoDough · 12/08/2023 20:16

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/08/2023 17:25

Eh… if they’re happy with their choice then more power to them. As long as someone is paying the bills and it’s not the taxpayer then it’s fine with me

This.

I wouldn’t want to be a grad wife but I would love to be a housewife and SAHM without having to work. I enjoy cleaning and cooking and baking bread and sorting the garden and doing DIY etc. I don’t care that this isn’t very ‘feminist’ it’s what I would love to do. I don’t want a high flying career anymore,
I want to support my family in the day to day tasks.

We all want different things and I don’t judge another woman for wanting to be a grad wife even thighs that’s way too extreme for me.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 20:11

Donewithrenovating
We're definitely thinking about the same person.

It's a shame you mentioned MLMs. It seems that these content creators who are pro women working in the home around children often end up doing something MLM related.

Notimeforaname · 12/08/2023 20:11

Eh… if they’re happy with their choice then more power to them. As long as someone is paying the bills and it’s not the taxpayer then it’s fine with me

I couldn't agree more. We're all entitled to live life the way we want to. Nothing wrong with being a traditional wife if thats what both parties want.

Cosycatz · 12/08/2023 20:07

calmcoco · 12/08/2023 17:56

It's tiring and hard dealing with reality and responsibilities. Being a tradwife is a way out of that.

A bit like conspiracy theories are a way out of dealing with the fact life is random.

It's a game of make believe.

This sums it up. It is a fantasy life by very codependent and dysfunctional women who have not been able to develop fully into adults. I also find the notion that you would promote the way you live day to day very strange. I mean why would anyone need to do that. Just live it.

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 20:03

Bet it’s the same. Music academy? I actually really loved her stuff, she is a genius organiser and I feel really sad about how her husband has just taken it all over.

Her little sister got married at 19 and is now pregnant with her second child, other other little sister is pregnant with her third at about 25 and is so ridiculously beautiful, which I find fascinating in terms of how it gives it all a pretty gloss. Their mom (also ravishingly gorgeous) recommends complete surrender and giving up on details like knowing about your family’s finances… ironically she’s now a mega mlm nutrition seller and yes, her own husband has got in on that.

Charrington · 12/08/2023 20:02

This, or similar nonsense, does the rounds every few years.
I do enjoy the implication that other women who work outside the home are misled by feminism into pursuing power over their pathetically emasculated husbands, not just earning money to keep a roof over the family’s heads in an economy that doesn’t afford the choice not to.

Women have always worked. It’s just that there was a brief period post WW2 where, for the good of society, getting unemployed veterans back into sustained and steady employment was in the national interest, and the propaganda machine was still in full swing. And anyway women in the home, pre electrification worked damn hard.

And when the daughters of the war generation, who had seen their mothers being heroes, grew up and started to push back the patriarchy the propaganda machine that had dispersed into advertising, tv and Hollywood tried to cling on to a fake image that was no more representative of real life than Instagram.

But it’s always (Total Women … Surrendered Wives… Trad Wives) about white women in 1950s florals. In the US at least, that image was underpinned by the domestic labour of black women doing the nasty jobs that get your pretty dress dirty.

It took centuries to dismantle marital couverture - much longer than to abolish slavery. Wives, just like slaves had no legal existence except as property. There are still traces today.

Women embracing this lifestyle (hah) are either dangerously naive or deeply disingenuous. The fact that they monetise this, makes me think the latter.

Who benefits?

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 20:00

Donewithrenovating I've just had a look on their socials. Definitely got the billions of photogenic siblings.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 19:57

Donewithrenovating Not sure about the photogenic siblings but definitely has good hair, recently had a baby and I'm in awe of her discipline for her workout time.

Donewithrenovating · 12/08/2023 19:55

@LolaSmiles does she have an amazing fringe and just had a fifth baby? And billions of photogenic siblings?

TBOM · 12/08/2023 19:53

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 12/08/2023 17:37

The one who goes to work has it easy. Minimum 8 hours a day at work, no house work, child care, domestic duties. Just come home and eat dinner.

Shame on you for saying that. That isn’t always the case at all - the pressure that I feel on a daily basis to make sure there is food on the table and bills paid, homework done, making sure your child is in good place is immense. And I’m a woman with a non-earning ExH. I bear 95% of the load. He gets to be Disney dad. I’m not as unusual as you would think - I know loads of women in the same position as me. Don’t ever assume what you assumed in that post. It’s really offensive.

GoogleMeNot · 12/08/2023 19:47

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 12/08/2023 17:19

She doesn’t believe women should work, and thinks it’s a man’s place to work while a woman should stay home and clean, cook and care for children. Forgot to mention that part, although assume it’s obvious!

Sounds like my MIL

DyslexicPoster · 12/08/2023 19:45

If I submitted to my husband's whims we'd be destitute!

My sil is like this, it's within her culture and she seems happy enough. She has no security with him. They have never owned a property for example. From the outside it looks like he could walk tomorrow and leave her with nothing but it's what they want. Not for me but works for them. Let's hope they don't split

Georgyporky · 12/08/2023 19:39

Can you write in paragraphs - very difficult to read your post.

WeWereInParis · 12/08/2023 19:39

She doesn’t believe women should work

Any women? Or just her?

I've no problem with how people want to arrange their own lives, but I've no time at all for anyone who thinks women as a whole shouldn't work.

FourTeaFallOut · 12/08/2023 19:31

BlossomCloud · 12/08/2023 19:10

Quite.

Or gets ill/loses his job

And then they would just create content on how they were harmed by being a trad-wife. The money is still coming in one way or another.

Proudgypsy · 12/08/2023 19:21

I suppose by some people's standards I'm a 'trad' wife. Married young, do all the cooking/cleaning etc. Difference is for me it's not some sort of dress up game or fantasy, it's a real life that I am very happy with. I think them describing themselves as submissive is a huge red flag and means their relationships are probably destined to fail.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 19:18

Donewithrenovating I think I can guess the influencer you mention. The one I'm thinking of had a platform that went from home renovations and housekeeping tips to 50/50, to her husband spending a lot of time throwing theology words around whilst she gazed at him lovingly.

real tradwives wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the internet so it’s just LARPing
I agree. They're able to play their little cosplay safe in the knowledge that society's legal system and society at large isn't going to force them to remain there should things go south.

BrindleAbyssinianGuinea · 12/08/2023 19:12

It's a fad, like neo pronouns or furries. Or non binary teens.

WenchEyeBall · 12/08/2023 19:10

AIBU for thinking trad wives is a more socially acceptable way to define a dom/sub (as in bdsm minus the bsm) lifestyle relationship.

BlossomCloud · 12/08/2023 19:10

Screamingabdabz · 12/08/2023 17:43

Its all fine until the husband finds a perky younger version when she’s just about at the most depleted part of her life physically and hormonally.

Quite.

Or gets ill/loses his job