Made MIL cry?!

Ok I have commented before but anyway.... I do think the MIL sounds controlling potentially and I sympathise with that being OP's point of view, with the lunch conversation being just an example of things that get said. I'm not really sure why so many posters are denying OP's perception.

However, my point was, and is, similar to that others have made, that OP needs to manage her feelings and her interactions with the MIL because she is the one suffering, and the examples she has given of her responses to this show that she is being passive aggressive or what one might call "stooping to her MIL's' level". This is where she is going wrong. It's not a case of whether MIL or OP is right. It's what can OP do about it and responding in kind is not the answer.

Talking about the issue to her DP might also help, as long as she is calm and ready to listen to his viewpoint. Perhaps he can influence his mother, perhaps not. But the two of them should be able to communicate about it. And just assuming the answer is to move far away is immature and likely unkind to MIL. It doesn't have to be a competition but OP is the one with the issue, so she needs to look for solutions rather than hist find put whether she is being unreasonable or not. (In my view she is, but not because I think MIL is an innocent saint of a woman. )

You were a bit of a dick there, OP. You let your frustration show and it's not a good look.

Step back from her for a bit, if she's pissing you off. You need to manage this better.

It's not unusual for Mothers to enjoy doing little things to spoil their sons! My 93 year old Grandma absolutely loves feeding/providing for my Uncles. It's clear that she gets real pleasure from it and, really, who is she hurting?!

Taking that from your MIL isn't a win for you.

She only made him some lunch, FFS!!

See are triggered!

Say’s the person who said eating carries a lot of emotional weight fir women!

😂

@MsRosley

Nope, not 'triggered', just disagreed with you and don't see the food issue as the big drama you position it as. I'm not even sure OP sees the food issue specifically as such a big drama tbh.

Have a good weekend anyway.

You know, when I wrote 'win', I thought she'll seize on that - you didn't disappoint. I meant OP is in a no-win situation, as in damned if you do and damned if you don't. Not in an actual battle. eyeroll

I'm not going to respond to you and @BlastedIce any more because you're both clearly triggered and very committed to twisting every single word I say, and it's derailing OP's thread.

Their freezer is full of food that MIL has made, so why isn’t that being grateful to OP?

They’re not eating it….. I wonder why!

@MsRosley

He does the cooking, but it would be very annoying if his mother kept feeding him. It would feel like an implied criticism.

I honestly think that feeling like that would be a 'you' problem though. I can't imagine taking that as an implied criticism personally. It sounds like the way you see food is very tied to emotions / validation. It's not like that for everyone.

It doesn't matter whether the OP does the cooking or her DH cook, the mil clearly thinks it's her role to take care of her son. There's no way for the OP to win, is there? Either he cooks and she's seen as neglecting him, or OP cooks and this is being subverted by her mil making sure he's already full up - as OP clearly stated.

Why does she need to 'win'? What an exhausting way to live. If I found out my MIL thinks I don't 'care for' my partner enough on the cooking front then I would think how old fashioned it was for her to expect me to do so and continue to do what suits me and my partner which is doing stuff pretty evenly, depending on who is busier work wise etc.

OP's DP is a big boy, if he knows that eating will mean he's full and food at home will be wasted then he can use his big boy words and not eat it. And regardless OP says his mum sends him home with dishes, rather than full up from food she's served to him.

I think you're doubling down on making MIL the bad guy here and positioning her and OP as in a battle. If you genuinely think there's a battle, the best advice would be to drop the rope surely? Not keep trying to 'win' as you put it, when OP isn't getting any benefit from doing so.

“Feeding him” like he’s a dog!

you really want to govern what your DH easts for lunch? He can get a £3 meal deal, that’s ok, but not take a lunch off his mum?

And you don’t think that’s controlling….

🚩

You may have considered you were pushed to come out with your outburst but it was cruel and spiteful.

Lol, as I said to @BlastedIce, I definitely don't see it as my job to cook for my partner. He does the cooking, but it would be very annoying if his mother kept feeding him. It would feel like an implied criticism.

I think food and meals carry a lot of emotional weight for women, and I very much doubt that OP's mil is doing this in all innocence. There would be a way of doing this that is more respectful to OP, and that is to show her gratitude by asking them both if she could do some cooking for them, and making sure that OP benefits as well. After all, all that time the son spends doing stuff for his mother is time he's spending away from his wife, time he could be spending doing things at home. Mil should be grateful to both of them.

But why would OP care if her MIL thinks she’s neglectful?

I thought one of the terms she used was “often”! It got ramped up when the post wasn’t going her way, as is often the case.

But never was it everyday, you made that up!

For god's sake, I am married and I don't do any cooking. I hate cooking. My DH makes all the evening meals, and I have toast for lunch. Stop imagining you know what I am like.

It doesn't matter whether the OP does the cooking or her DH cook, the mil clearly thinks it's her role to take care of her son. There's no way for the OP to win, is there? Either he cooks and she's seen as neglecting him, or OP cooks and this is being subverted by her mil making sure he's already full up - as OP clearly stated.

@MsRosley

Yes, I honestly believe that women who persist in frequently cooking for their married sons are trying to one-up the wife, not to mention infantilising their adult son.

'Oh look how much more I love him, how much better I care for him that you do.'

Fair enough if you think that.

I don't see it as my job to 'cook for' my partner, so don't see anyone else cooking him a meal as some sort of direct challenge or threat to me, anymore than it would be if my mum made me dinner every time I went to hers 🤷🏻‍♀️

In OP DP's case he helps his mum loads with stuff from what OP says, so isn't sitting on his arse being infantilised. He does lots of jobs for his mum and supports her. That's how he shows affection to her. She makes food for him to enjoy frequently. That's how she shows affection to him.

To be honest, it feels really sexist and outdated to view one woman in a man's life making him a meal as a challenge / insult to another woman in his life.

On the contrary, I read ALL of OP's posts. Every single one. And while it may be not literally every day, she clearly says the mil does it very frequently.

Ahh another one of those “it’s wifeys job to cook”, it’s not, it’s both grown adults in the relationships job!

When will you realise it’s not 1930?

You think it’s women’s work to cook? Which is why you are backing the OP!

it’s not women’s work!

No honestly, I just think, not read the post, doesn’t know what they’re taking about, he’s their own agenda… ignore!

not silly at all!

Widowed mother makes grown son lunch now and again, yes because she does love him and he will always be her son.
Jealous daughter in law who does not make husband lunch kicks off.

Why?!!! You need to grow up, you sound like a control freak.

Don't be silly.

Yes, @monsteramunch I honestly believe that women who persist in frequently cooking for their married sons are trying to one-up the wife, not to mention infantilising their adult son.

'Oh look how much more I love him, how much better I care for him that you do.'

@MsRosley

My bad, I should have said frequently rather than every day.

So when someone said: "I never knew until today that providing food for your adult children was creepy and weird."

Your honest thought, on reflection, really is "It is if you do it frequently"?

You really think that?

Yea you should, at least get the facts straight, or your opinions are deemed pointless.

Exactly!

She is always doing things like this. He often comes home with dishes to put in the oven because she "doesn't want him to be hungry".

My bad, @saraclara @monsteramunch I should have said frequently rather than every day.