Made MIL cry?!

Yes, I’ve always been aware that if a young mum has a good relationship with her own mother that grandparent will most likely be given higher priority. Not out of spitefulness but because new mum needs her her own mum more. I accept that could well happen but although I’m a doting mum of sons I’m not clingy or needy or manipulative. I’d be a dream MiL 😁

The DIL has a lot more power than a MIL though. Vastly more when you think about it, especially when it comes to access to grandkids etc.
And a prospective DIL can of course (though it's unlikely) choose not to be with someone whose mother is a nightmare. MILs have to accept whoever their partner chooses.

Fortunately my sons in law are decent guys. But it doesn't seem that they have the kind of significant input over the relationship between me and my DDs and DGCs, that a DIL tends to have.

Honestly, I'm sitting bang on the fence on this one.

Mil does sound competitive...I don't think that the comment that OP made was the heinous atrocity that others seem to have taken it as. I think it's a proportionate snappy comeback tbh.
I was here first.
I'll be there last.
Don't know why people are so gravely offended by that. It was invited.

Some people have close relationships with their parents. I did, when my mother was still with us. I think doing the garden in exchange for sandwiches is absolutely fine. I think daily contact is fine too. Plenty of people have this and they are not 'unhinged' or 'wired up wrong' or anything like Norman Bates. Fgs.
The mil might be a pain in the arse but I don't see that the dh is doing anything strange or unusual.

My pov, the mil is bloody silly with her over the top 'love ma boy' routine but it comes from a place of insecurity and fear. OP's dh will know this too but unlike OP he cares how his mum feels because he loves her. The OP doesn't, she has her own mum to love. I'm sure OP's mum doesn't thank OP's dh for allowing their relationship as OP seems to expect from her mil.
There can only be a competition with two.

Sounds like you understand perfectly (given the information posted by OP).

Your daughters could have awful MiLs so I’m not sure if it makes that much difference to being protected against toxic in-law dynamics.

As a mother of sons though I do always hope they will end up with lovely partners. I think the issue is does this MiL or any ‘awful’ MiL loathe the person, any person, their son ends up with or is the loathing a direct result of an unpleasant DiL?

My default would be to want to like, and even love, a DiL so if I didn’t like them there would have to be a very good reason. Question is, which category would this MiL fall into.

Understand them perfectly well thanks. DP has a close relationship with his mum and helps out around the house and garden. He spends more time there than the OP would like, but she doesn’t want to be the bad guy and put a stop to it. So she picks a totally unnecessary argument with MiL so she can then instruct her DP to tell her to ‘back off’ in the hope that this will drive a wedge between them. DP chooses not to be combative and opts to talk to his mother over dinner. OP is incensed and tells him to sleep there.

Click on ‘see all’ for the OP’s posts - it’s all laid out there, and it’s an eye opener. At one point she comments that she respects the caring relationship they have. Then in a later post she gives herself away by effectively telling us that MiL should be happy that she doesn’t ‘mind’ DP helping her out. There’s an undercurrent of resentment and instead of tackling MiL head on with whatever problem the OP perceives they have, she’s attempting to pass it off to her DP as his problem. And predictably, MN have jumped on the mummy’s boy angle to pin the blame on him. I understand it just fine.

It is a lottery. We’re incredibly fortunate, the dil we see most often is a lovely woman. Her predecessor was far from lovely.

Mumsnet quotes failure: the following post was in response to Mirabai's post yesterday 20:26

Mirabai yesterday 20:26
? I didn’t put ‘better idea’ in quotes you did! I wasn’t quoting you. That’s the apparent summary of your position in which you apparently “disagree” with OP’s account of her own life. Someone you have never met and events you did not witness.

Er, newsflash, Mirabai..it was in quotes because I was quoting what you'd said (comprenez vous?).

Oh, the irony of questioning how I know what really happened...how the heck do YOU know what really happened? Are you the OP? But of course, like the OP, the majority are wrong and you are right. The OP should grow up and develop a sense of proportion (and a sense of humour wouldn't go amiss, either). What she said to her MIL was just plain nasty and I suspect she knew this when she said it, perhaps it had been previously rehearsed, who knows? If she felt the need to say something it could have been said firmly, in a no-nonsense but polite manner. Karma has a habit of biting you back, as she may discover.

Seriously, with every day I spend on this forum, I'm more and more grateful to have daughters (and that my daughter withchildren has had daughters).

I know there are some lovely DIL/MIL relationships out there, but jeeze, mothers of sons must feel like it's a lottery.

I think there’s a lot of ‘creative’ writing on this thread, judging by some of the replies. I’ve just clicked on ‘see all’ on the OP’s posts and it’s quite disturbing to see the increasing level of vitriol towards MiL and the drip fed detail in response to criticism.

Er, newsflash..it was in quotes because I was quoting what you'd said (comprenez vous?).

Oh, the irony of questioning how I know what really happened...how the heck do YOU know what really happened? Are you the OP? But of course, like the OP, the majority are wrong and you are right. The OP should grow up and develop a sense of proportion (and a sense of humour wouldn't go amiss, either). What she said to her MIL was just plain nasty and I suspect she knew this when she said it, perhaps it had been previously rehearsed, who knows? If she felt the need to say something it could have been said firmly, in a no-nonsense but polite manner. Karma has a habit of biting you back, as she may discover.

I am really lazy so I would be delighted someone with extra time was offering to do something for my family.

Though an imaginative one. Suggest a creative writing class @Sueveneers .

OP told him to sort things out with his mother, so he texted to say he would come and eat with her. I’d say it was a good move to work the chat into a relaxed atmosphere rather than barge in, laying down the law, which was clearly what the OP wanted judging by her response - because she was incensed and told him to sleep there !! You catch more flies with honey - something the OP would do well to remember because her own combative attitude is fuelling the situation - which she instigated because she couldn’t let a simple thing like the odd packed lunch go without comment.

I agree. Awful post from a dark point of view.

I don’t think making sandwiches is a stressful situation and this spat didn’t seem like a one-off. There’s obviously a clash of personalities and personally if I didn’t have children (as OP doesn’t) I’d only visit sporadically.

There are no gc so I don’t really understand why OP even goes over there unless it’s absolutely necessary. Go twice a year or something and then whatever MiL says won’t really matter. The daily visits are only a problem if they impact on OPs daily life and if they do then a compromise should be made between OP and DP.

I stand by what I said. They have an over enmeshed relationship, the MIL thinks she owns her son, kisses her son all over the head (sending the message to OP that she autmatically takes his side that he is innocent and she is mean) when him and OP had an argument, and knowing OP is pissed off, her partner decides to piss her off even more by choosing to have dinner with his mother instead of her. Nothing about this screams normal.

Goodness me. ‘Seriously strange’, ‘Norman and psycho like’, ‘something not right with the wiring in his head ?? Because he’s close to his mum and she sometimes makes him a packed lunch ? Really ?? Have you had your own wiring checked lately because it’s this post that’s batshit and unhealthy !!

Does your MiL speak English? If not could you express your annoyance or frustration with her in English so you get it out of your system but she can’t directly react to it?

You sound awful!

There are some very nasty and mischievous mums replying to this post. You snapped in a stressful moment! Your MIL sounds insecure and clingy. Try not to take her attitude to seriously because (as you rightly say) you are her sons future.

I had the impression that the visits were on the way to work. And I’m wondering if there is a vulnerability that the OP hasn’t mentioned. By her own admission DP does a lot for his mother, but 60 isn’t too old to be doing her own gardening etc., so I’m wondering if something else is going on.

Yes, I don’t see anyone on here saying him doing her gardening is a challenge to women’s gardening skills.

You can add me to that list. I don’t intend on ever having another relationship and I’ve never been so settled with my peace of mind as I have now, being completely single. I’m not bitter or angry or pinched of face, I’m just free to make all my decisions in life without having to deal with the whims and moods of another person anymore. It’s been seven years of singledom and I love it. I might consider another relationship at some point but only if they have their own property (they won’t be living in mine) and preferably live far enough away we’re not in each other’s pockets.

If MiL is 60 and her son 43 she was very young when she had him which may be why her dependence on him is higher than someone who had their child in their thirties. She hasn’t really known anything else but being his mother. Not saying that excuses any overbearing behaviour but being a widow may also be adding to her dependency. I’m the same age as MiL and even though I have very beloved sons myself I’m very independent (but I still like to fuss over them if they let me).

"I don’t know about all of this really. MN seems very upset about adult children who have a close relationship with their parents, especially if it’s men and their mum."

Yep. On mumsnet it's absolutely fine for a woman to be close with her mum and even see her daily but if it's a man he has to 'cut the apron strings' and 'realise he's a father now' and 'prioritise his own little family'...and other such statements that tear men apart for daring to have a relationship with their mother that wifey resents. Even if she has a close relationship with her own mum.
Very sexist and controlling but it's encouraged on here.