Made MIL cry?!

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

@Sueveneers
Yesterday late at night I texted him to say I was sorry for being bitchy with him and he said good night.

@Rosscameasdoody
And? This is my thread, I will post in any way I want, including to vent. Sorry if this inconveniences you 🤷‍♀️

I think from your updates, this goes beyond your partner and his mother, and is about a whole family dynamic. His mother occupies a role within her family that she and her children seem happy with, and I very much doubt anything will change that. If it works for them and that's how they want to live, trying to detach your partner will either fail, or will succeed at the expense of his happiness and he may well resent you.
So, what to do? Well two options. Either decide if you can't beat them join them, and try to build a daughter like relationship with her yourself; or decide this family (because its all of them in this case, not just your partner) are not for you.
Whatever the rights or wrongs, a life of constant battles, gaining an inch here, losing it there will be stressful and miserable for you.

It also takes a dil being a healthy adult too. Not one who constantly compares her mil to her mum and finds her wanting.

It really is possible for sons to have loving close relationships with their mums that are respectful of their intimate relationships.

It takes the man being a healthy adult first though.

Not a frightened boy afraid to smoke infront of his mother.

Good morning, a few things. First, she has no health problem, she is actually in very good shape and very dynamic.

One of the things that annoys me is a culture clash between our families. See, my own mother has always worked and she's 66, she is retiring next year and she is already preparing a plan for something she wants to do with her retirement while also just chilling.

MIL has never worked and she doesn't volunteer either. I just think...you know instead of making food for your son why don't you make food in your community, for example for widowed parents or refugees or something.

Or, if you have nothing to do in your day and your door needs to be painted or your weeds taken up, why don't you do it? Wouldn't that be more interesting than sitting in a chair and waiting for DP to come on his weekend?

She has 3 children, in this order: SIL1 (luves next door), SIL2 (lives in different region), DP.

Every day she has lunch at SIL1's house. In her village are all her own siblings.

You know, it's hard for me to deal with MIL because I come from a totally different family. Of course my own mother has her own faults like every person. But what I will say for her is she was always independent and full of ideas for herself, and she would prefer to die than ask someone for something she can easily do herself. If I asked if she wanted help with painting her door for example she would say "why? I can listen to my podcast and paint, it'll be relaxing".

I just can't deal with this different attitude where the mother is a strange mix: 50% like a child who must be protected from everything, 50% like the mother of a child, not the mother of an adult.

Let me give you an example of something that drives me crazy: DP smokes. I smoke. MIL smokes (sorry I know in the UK smoking now is really bad but in France it's still pretty standard). DP has been smoking for 30 years. But he doesn't smoke in front of his mum. Why? "It's about respect". WTF! She smokes! A lot! SIL smokes! So we have this crazy situation where me, MIL and SIL are all outside smoking and DP just sits at the table inside and then when we live in the car he is desperate for a cigarette.
What the hell is that about?! Just smoke a fucking cigarette in front of your smoking mother!!! You think she really doesn't know? REALLY?

The chances of him agreeing to move away are non existent.

Eugh, how horrible to see two grown women scrapping over a man. You both sound absolutely awful. Where is your dignity?

I agree with this post and am surprised so many posters aren’t reading between the lines.

@Didntmeanto6 I don’t think your marriage will survive unless you move away. You mention future children. Don’t forget The Hague Convention when you get to that point.

If MIL is the narc I think she might be, you ain’t seen nothing yet compared to what awaits you once you have children.

I would probably have the ick with DH in your shoes anyway, and be tempted to split if he won’t move away.

They don’t. This kind of enmeshed MIL is not a cultural thing in France the way it is in Italy. Il s’agit de cette belle-mère en particulier.

I’m quite a bit older than you - my advice would be not to talk to her about this at all - there will simply be tears, tantrums and manipulations.

You need to sit down with DH and say it’s all very well being dutiful son and it’s to his credit but she has replaced her DH with him. This level of codependency cannot end well. As she ages she will demand more and more, perhaps even to expect to live with you when she’s older. If you have kids and both work, the demands will become insupportable. If you decide you must move away to escape her she will go into meltdown. So DH needs to see what this means for his future and prepare the ground now. He needs to step back and cut her dependency now - whether you stay close by or move away - it will be for the best.

The DIL has a lot more power than a MIL though. Vastly more when you think about it, especially when it comes to access to grandkids etc.
And a prospective DIL can of course (though it's unlikely) choose not to be with someone whose mother is a nightmare. MILs have to accept whoever their partner chooses.

Fortunately my sons in law are decent guys. But it doesn't seem that they have the kind of significant input over the relationship between me and my DDs and DGCs, that a DIL tends to have.