Made MIL cry?!

It's not every day. she sometimes makes him a packed lunch

She does love him more, she’s his mother.

I wouldn’t get into an argument with any of DS’ future partners over it, but if any of them told me they loved him more or as much as I do I would inwardly chuckle.

Partners/wives/husbands come and go along with their love and depth of feeling for their partner/spouse. It’s very different for parents.

You misinterpreted something she said and were upset, so you snapped at her. She misinterpreted something you said, and got upset, and had a cry. A bit of misunderstanding all round I think.

I think if you actually want to have a productive conversation with her you've got to empathize a bit and put to bed this notion that she's trying to manipulate anyone. If she's as close to him as you've said it's no wonder what you said struck a nerve. And frankly I think you were unnecessarily snippy when she was trying to do something nice. Explain how her comment came across so she can understand too, but you won't move forward unless you can look at yourself.

FWIW my mum makes me dinner and lunch and does my washing when I'm home, and gives me a hug if I'm upset. Not that often as I'm far away, but if DH made some snide comment about it then he'd get short shrift from me!

I can see your point OP. I think you probably have more examples but haven't told them here.
She sounds like she sees herself as 'Number 1' and I imagine that is mainly with sons. What often seems to go long with that is expecting adult children to be there at the drop of a hat...... almost obeisance from them.
It immediately gives her an authority/power .

I have a friend whose DH is Italian. The family came here when he and his siblings were young, and started a restaurant, which they still have and he and his son run it now. His mother- now in her 80s- is like this and always has been. My friend found it very difficult at times, particularly in the first few years before they had DC. Her DH saw his mother every day. He stopped before or after going to the restaurant . She made him food (because her cooking was 'the best', 'our home country cooking, not like the English make.'). She interfered in things that were nothing to do with her. Same with all her sons. It was bizarre- she had 8 children (4 boys, 3 girls) and 7 of them (8th in Italy) visited every day. After her husband died, it worsened and she would called 'meetings' and they all went - often over some triviality. She would ring for my friend's DH to go 'immediately' as she 'must see him, must' and it would be nothing - examples I recall were she was fed up with the buttons on her phone and wanted a new one, she had decided she wanted a new carpet, she wanted him to move a piece of furniture. It had to happen right then. He or his brothers just went. She had to come first in her mind. She kept an eye on how her DILs treated her sons and 'put them right' if she thought they weren't looking after them well enough. She speaks Italian to her children when their partners are there although she speaks excellent English. She is just controlling.

It changed when her sons had children of their own and couldn't just up and off along there. Her son who had gone back to Italy came back here and he is unmarried and lives with her and that also eased the situation but she still sees herself as the central, main figure in the family.

Perhaps a bit more extreme than yours but what always upset my friend wasn't her DH seeing his DM, it was his always putting her first, never standing up to her. She said he and his brothers were almost scared to upset her- not because of her anger but because she cried and was 'disappointed' and they just could not bear it.

Ultimately she is his mum. He must like her yo visit every day. Whatever you think she will always love him more than you. Her love is unconditional and unwavering. She will be his mother forever. You are a choice he is making right now.

Oh god, my skin is crawling.

Seems fairly straightforward.

OP is jealous of the relationship her partner has with his mother …I do wonder what OPs relationship with her own mother was like.

Mothers express their love for their children in lots of ways .. some do use food, her making him food is her way of saying “I love you”. Also they seem to outwardly express love for each other - which OP is clearly uncomfortable with. That’s not “wrong” it’s who they are - if that’s not the family you want to become part of, you need to make the decision not to be part of it.

My MIL is a very very different person to me, but, 20 years in we are good.

I would add (to my previous post) that I find your thread title rather telling in a way. You sound almost proud of having made her cry, and that does say something about you, no matter how irritating she can be.

There's nothing in any of your posts that I would find anything other than mildly irritating. The rest I would just not bother engaging with and do my own thing.

What self respecting woman would allow her mother to make her a packed lunch every day!?

I’d love to hear MiL’s versions of events. Yes maybe she is a (s)mother but the OP doesn’t come across (in many of her posts) as a DiL anyone would be thrilled to have.

I think it's important to challenge dickhead behaviour. However, I don't think MIL did anything particularly wrong. You were unnecessarily abrasive and confrontational.

MIL I make DS lunch because I love him.

You She is implying I don't love him. Is implying she loves him more than me.

instead That's nice I'm sure he appreciates the thought.

Ultimately she is his mum. He must like her yo visit every day. Whatever you think she will always love him more than you. Her love is unconditional and unwavering. She will be his mother forever. You are a choice he is making right now.

Don't get me wrong you need to address shit behaviour but you also need to pick your battles.

Of course if a woman's mum.was making her lunch it would be fine. Usual. mumsnet double standards.

Oh but not as much as they love trying to make random women on the internet feel shit.

You’re not sounding very nice, did you write that with a face of granite?

Well then address it with your DP? Stop blaming his mother?

You're as bad as each other and fighting over your man child husband is pretty grim.

Every single day? While you're at home trying to feed the kids their breakfast and get them ready and out of the door for school while getting yourself for work? Which is what OP will end up doing if this continues long-term (she did say MIL is only 60, so it's likely). That's not caring for his mum, that's taking his partner for a mug.

You gifted her the opportunity to strop off with your final comment.
In your position, I would stop the MIL childcare, limit contact with her and consider whether her son is the best person to be with long term.

The reason to not like her behaviour is not just competitiveness but the template your partner has.

The most obvious evidence of what a man expects or wants in a long term partner is what he has seen from his parents. As a child, his mother properly cared for him. But as an adult this isn't a mature behaviour by either of them because of the frequency of contact. Obviously we make gestures of love to our families but, and it is a big but, this is kind of dependency that should have stopped quite a long time ago.

Your MIL probably fears becoming irrelevant in her son's life and so clings to these things and gestures. But it's too ritualized to be healthy.

Your DP will also expect you to meet the same behaviours as MIL if you have kids. So if you don't like what she does or what she has become, you need to think carefully because that is likely you in years to come.

Women should always look carefully at the family set up when marrying in. You will save yourself a lot of angst if you see things that you recognize and approve of. Because you will match the family culture; if you don't match then don't assume you can change a family dynamic. You can't.

I don’t think the OP reads like that!

But why does this effect you at all?
She wants to. He's happy to have it. It literally has nothing to do with you.

You started the argument, you’re the instigator! Why did you question the packed lunch? If your DP doesn’t want it, he can say.

honestly two grown women fighting over a man, you sound ridiculous!

But that's the implication that if the mum doesn't do it, OP is supposed to be doing it, surely?

And he's a full grown man. He doesn't need waiting on. He can make his own packed lunch.

Look, as you have confirmed here, your issue is your DP not his mum. What is a grown man accepting dishes to simply put in the oven from HIS mum. My mother is nearly 90 and does like to still give me stuff as her child, I accept some and insist big things like packed lunches etc you have listed here are not necessary. Does HE not see this constant favours from HIS mum whilst he has a wife is frustrating for you as you have now come out gun blazing fighting MIL?

How old is your DP, you need to dump him as he clearly needs to be baby sat. My married brothers can perfectly cook their own meals from scratch without mum preparing dishes for them to take to their houses, in case they get hungry.

yes, MIL is enjoying this mess of her DS and her opportunity at frustrating you because he won't man up. Will you leave him OP or will you rather fight MIL till your last bullet is spent?! What a mess!