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Original poster

Made MIL cry?!

818 replies

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:16

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me).
I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last".
Then she started crying and ran out of the room.
Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago.
I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off.
What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

OP posts:
BCBird · 12/08/2023 12:30

I honestly think you are both at fault. Maturity needed on both sides.

Ladybrrrd · 12/08/2023 12:30

I would see my mum every day, or most days if I could. What on earth is wrong with that. How patronizing and horrid to call someone 'little man' for being close to his family.

saraclara · 12/08/2023 12:29

cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 11:01

Weird that everyone’s making a big deal about the occasional lunch making but not the fact the little man has to go and see his mummy every day.

See what I mean? Also the assumption that he 'has to' which would never be labeled at a woman seeing her mum every day

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:28

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:27

@5128gap
woman who is intolerant of other women
Please don't try to portray me as something I am not to fit your position. I'm not a woman who is intolerant of other women, I'm a woman with a close relationship with my sisters and my own mother, and who has good female friends.

I'm intolerant of one particular woman who tries to take space within my romantic relationship, tries to belittle me, and then acts like the victim when I react.

Well stop reacting then.

CloverHilla · 12/08/2023 12:28

I can't believe the number of people who think it's perfectly normal for a 40yr old man to have his lunch made by his mother, my kids have been doing their own since they're 10.

AllOfThemWitches · 12/08/2023 12:28

it’s what mums do!!

😆😆😆

Ladybrrrd · 12/08/2023 12:27

"He didn't reply to my text saying he needs to solve this problem"

What problem?! You made her upset with a snide, unnecessary comment and now he's supposed to harangue his mum in to apologizing? Good luck is all I can say.

If you don't like it, leave. But they're close and you're not going to change that. I made a balanced comment before but you're just digging your heels in. You. Were. Rude. End of.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:27

@5128gap
woman who is intolerant of other women
Please don't try to portray me as something I am not to fit your position. I'm not a woman who is intolerant of other women, I'm a woman with a close relationship with my sisters and my own mother, and who has good female friends.

I'm intolerant of one particular woman who tries to take space within my romantic relationship, tries to belittle me, and then acts like the victim when I react.

OP posts:
gooseduckchicken · 12/08/2023 12:27

Maybe mothers do love their sons more, in fact they most certainly do.
But I'm interested to know why they want to tell their sons' sexual partners this.

But she didn't actually say that according to your OP.

Maybe she's interested to know why her son's sexual partner feels the need to tell her to stop making meals in her own home.

DaisyAndDonaldDuck · 12/08/2023 12:27

YABU. You started it by commenting on her making his lunch. So what if she wants to and he’s happy to accept?

Don’t give it if you can’t take it.

Whinge · 12/08/2023 12:27

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:25

She doesn’t have children? Yet she knows she won’t ever be making her adult children a packed lunch or doing any mum things once they’re adult or have a partner?

Show quote history

Nope, definitely no children, she said as much in her post at 10.37am

No I don't have children but I'm thinking of it, we would definitely need to move if this was the case, I can only imagine the hell it would be

saraclara · 12/08/2023 12:27

...women spending loads of time with their mums fine but men doing it being considered weird

Yep. Going by past threads, there are many women in this forum who see or call their mums every day, and that's never questioned. A man does the same, and he's a mummy's boy or a man-child. It's illogical and ridiculous.

CastlesAndCurlews · 12/08/2023 12:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DriftingDora · 12/08/2023 12:26

Didntmeanto6 · Today 12:04

@peasandpetals
I'd be thrilled someone else was doing the packed lunch
Why would I be thrilled, this isn't my job, she isn't taking a task for me and making it easier? Why doesn't she come to my house and hoover my floors, then maybe I could be thrilled

Good grief, can you just imagine the international incident that would be made out of MIL daring to plug in the hoover? Surely that would make News At Ten. It far exceeds making a cheese butty....

MeinKraft · 12/08/2023 12:26

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:04

@peasandpetals
I'd be thrilled someone else was doing the packed lunch
Why would I be thrilled, this isn't my job, she isn't taking a task for me and making it easier? Why doesn't she come to my house and hoover my floors, then maybe I could be thrilled

Somehow I doubt you would be.

CloverHilla · 12/08/2023 12:26

I actually think she got the same as what she was dishing out, if she didn't like it then she shouldn't do it.
I agree with you not apologising, that's what allows her to continue to think her behaviour is OK.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 12/08/2023 12:25

You are both bad. But you went overboard. Do you have sons? Maybe one day your DIL will be like you. What goes around comes around.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:25

Whinge · 12/08/2023 12:20

It won't happen, but that's because there are no children to look after.

Show quote history

She doesn’t have children? Yet she knows she won’t ever be making her adult children a packed lunch or doing any mum things once they’re adult or have a partner?

Ladybug14 · 12/08/2023 12:25

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 10:36

@FigTreeInEurope
No but very close ;)

She is always doing things like this. He often comes home with dishes to put in the oven because she "doesn't want him to be hungry". What the hell!

Oh, for goodness sake. Let her get on with it. It makes her feel valued and important

The person allowing all this babying (your partner) gives me the ICK , and I'd get rid of him if he were my partner

But let your poor MIL get on with trying to make herself feel important

The fact that MILs need for importance makes you competitive is a little strange.

Surely you know that you're the most important woman in your partners life?

Or maybe you don't....aaaaaannnd we're back to DP being an utter nobhead again

MsRosley · 12/08/2023 12:23

You have my sympathy, OP. This sounds like a deep-rooted and complex problem, which is understandably difficult to navigate. On your part it must be genuinely irritating to see your husband constantly infantilised like that, and allowing it to continue. You've found yourself in a ridiculous 'competition' for his affections, with lots of power games.

You don't say much about your mil's background, but she sounds like the kind of woman whose adult life has revolved around her husband and children, and who hasn't developed mental independence or emotional maturity. The kind of mil who inevitably sees her daughter-in-law as a threat.

You dh also needs to grow up, and understand that playing mummy's best boy is deeply unsexy. My advice is to start with him, see if talking things over will help him see that this situation is going to affect his marriage. I'd recommend that he stops being at his mother's beck and call, and that he encourages her to develop a life outside the home, but first he needs to understand why you need an adult in your marriage, and not a little boy.

Mischance · 12/08/2023 12:23

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:00

this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position

No because as the mother of an adult I wouldn't make them lunch, I wouldn't send them home with dinners and I wouldn't tell my DIL I was the first woman in their life because
A) it's creepy and
B) I will probably be continuing to work or will be retired and volunteering and would put my main energy in that

She only made the comment about "first woman" because you had a go at her.

Original poster
Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:23

@gooseduckchicken
Maybe mothers do love their sons more, in fact they most certainly do.
But I'm interested to know why they want to tell their sons' sexual partners this.

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 12/08/2023 12:22

Why does yoyr DP have to see her every morning? I get that she’s widowed, on her own, so am I but I don’t expect my DC to have to see me every day, or even every week.
Think twice then think again about having children with him, even moving away might not be enough.

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 12:22

JudgeRudy · 12/08/2023 12:19

More like it sounds like you snapped back at your MIL after she made a snidey remark.....then followed up with more.

Show quote history

Maybe OP just isn’t very likeable (I don’t think she comes across well on here).

5128gap · 12/08/2023 12:21

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 12:00

this may come back to haunt you when you are in her position

No because as the mother of an adult I wouldn't make them lunch, I wouldn't send them home with dinners and I wouldn't tell my DIL I was the first woman in their life because
A) it's creepy and
B) I will probably be continuing to work or will be retired and volunteering and would put my main energy in that

I wouldn't bet on it OP. Women don't have a personality transplant the day their sons find a partner. Invariably difficult older women were once difficult young ones.
A woman who is intolerant of other women, quick to criticise, interferes where she has no business, prides herself on winning arguments, struggles to see any perspective but her own and is competitive and territorial about the men in her life won't to be any one's dream MiL. No matter whether she makes her sons sandwiches or not.