Page 17 | Made MIL cry?!

Didntmeanto6 · 2023-08-12T09:16:18+00:00

I have always had a clash with my MIL because I find her controlling and she often tries to undermine me. My DP (8 years) sees her every day in the morning and she was telling me that she sometimes makes him a packed lunch 🙄 I said he is a 43 year old man I'm sure he can organise his own lunch, she said "yes but me I love my son" (emphasising with her voice that it must be in contrast to me). I began to lose my temper a little so I said "do you warm some milk for him too?" and she said "listen it's simple, I am the first woman of his life", and I said "true but I will be the last". Then she started crying and ran out of the room. Now DP is saying that was insensitive of me because she lost her husband 6 years ago. I am considering telling him he needs to deal with this situation and tell his mother to back off. What do you think? In case it's relevant we are all from the same non UK European country

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:41

@Inkpotlover
👏👏👏
Thank you ❤️

OP posts:

Greenberg2 · 12/08/2023 13:41

Nn9011 · 12/08/2023 13:37

Your response to her was amazing. I'm honestly so shocked at how many people have voted YABU and the only logical thing I can think of is that these are women who are exactly like your MIL.

Your husband sees her every morning and gets a packed lunch - is he 5?! Maybe look up enmeshed families and how mothers can often replace an emotional partnership with their sons. It might be helpful to understand her behavior and if relevant to the situation then you can also show hubby why it's a problem.

Lots of women are close to their mums, spend lots of time with them, no one says a word. Men are weirdly not supposed to be close to their mothers.

Being close to someone is not enmeshment. Unless the OP has a lot of more worrying info, there is nothing abnormal here.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:41

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 13:39

I think she was goading you and you retaliated. My advice to your MIL would be don't dish out what you can't take back.

Good for you OP. She was deliberately needling you.

That would also be my advice - to the OP !!

WongWifi · 12/08/2023 13:40

You sound awful.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:39

cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 13:32

I see everyone’s got their blinkers on now we’re piling on the OP. Did you ever stop to think that the type of weird enmeshed and manipulative relationship described here is not something anyone should be aspiring to?

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Yes indeed. The weird, enmeshed and manipulative relationship that the OP appears to be doing her best to create between herself, her MiL and her unfortunate DP. And your comment about ‘little man has to go and see his mummy every day’ tells us pretty much all we need to know about you. Perhaps he’s just considerate enough to call in to check on his widowed mum on the way to work every day. Perhaps there are other contributing factors we’re not privy to. Did you ever stop to think of that ?

User5512 · 12/08/2023 13:39

You sound like a controlling prick OP!

You have a problem if she makes lunch for her own son! Wtf is YOUR problem with that? What does that even have to do with you?? She did ask you to do it - did she?

what if you are the last person in her life? She is still his mom!

Snapsnap1 · 12/08/2023 13:39

I think she was goading you and you retaliated. My advice to your MIL would be don't dish out what you can't take back.

Good for you OP. She was deliberately needling you.

Ladybug14 · 12/08/2023 13:39

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:38

@BlastedIce
You are following this closely: what about the post where I describe her holding his face and kissing him over and over....because we had a small fight in the car. Is that normal for you?

Did DP ask her to stop?

Mischance · 12/08/2023 13:38

It is fine for your MIL to make your partner a packed lunch - it does not infer that he is incapable of doing it himself and would not do it if she had not done. It is just a kindness. Your response to this reflects your insecurities - you see it as interfering with your relationship.

Am I interfering with my DDs' relationships when I do them a kindness?

Inkpotlover · 12/08/2023 13:38

This thread is nuts. I feel like I've strayed into an alternate universe where Mumsnet doesn't exist and it's MILsnet all the way!

Just because OP's tone is defensive and snippy doesn't mean she's the horrible person PP are saying she is. It means she's pissed off.

Just because the MIL is widowed doesn't make her a saint.

OP says she's put up with years of digs from her MIL that infer she doesn't look after her DP properly and is a shit homemaker, which PP are choosing to ignore – OP knows her MIL better than any of us do.

OP did snap back at her MIL over the packed lunch and did make a comment that must've been hurtful, but after eight years of digs, she clearly has little patience where her MIL is concerned. Are you all saying hand on heart you've never made a bitchy comment in the heat of the moment?

DP clearly takes MIL's side every. single. time. and likes being babied by his mum. He is not wrong in wanting that kind of relationship, but he doesn't seem to care it is standing in the way of the two women in his life having a decent relationship. He's playing them off against each other.

Few women – and none I know – would welcome their DP going round to his mum's every. single. morning. No cosy lie-ins, no breakfast in bed, no spontaneous morning sex, no cup of tea and a chat before he goes to work every. single. day. No wonder OP's fed up!

It's unlikely he is going to change his routine when they have DC. If they have a daughter, his mother may well think she still ranks higher than her too in terms of female hierarchy in his life. How nice for his child.

Arguably, MIL has now resorted to emotional manipulation to get her way and drive a wedge between OP and her DP. Again, being widowed doesn't make her a saint.

OP, you could have 20+ more years of this. I'd walk.

SlipSlidinAway · 12/08/2023 13:38

*He is not allowed back into his home, he must sleep at his mothers because OP says so, because he said he’d have a chat with his mum (which OP wanted), and because he says he’ll do it over a meal, then he is ordered to sleep there as well?

OP is so far wrong here it’s embarrassing, and who the hell has a conversation like this over text? Which the OP instigated!*

^^ Exactly!

Greenberg2 · 12/08/2023 13:38

monsteramunch · 12/08/2023 11:54

Surely if you find it annoying you must know on some level why you find it annoying?

If you liked her as a person would you still find it annoying she sometimes makes him lunch? Or that he sees her for a bit each day?

It seems like you fundamentally dislike her and you're projecting that dislike onto every interaction, ready to view things as combative and escalating them instead of looking at them objectively.

As I said upthread, she absolutely didn't start this incident. She made him lunch. She's happy to. He's happy for her to. You made a snide comment, continued to escalate it and finished with what was a genuinely nasty comment that she took the way many of us did (that it was about the fact you'll still be around when she dies) and instead of saying "oh shit ok I didn't mean it like that, but I can see now it might have come across that way" you responded to people by accusing her of that reaction being self centred.

You're massively projecting the fact you dislike her into every interaction you have. It's toxic and not good for you.

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This.

And I bet if you have sons you'll hate your DiLs too.

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:38

@BlastedIce
You are following this closely: what about the post where I describe her holding his face and kissing him over and over....because we had a small fight in the car. Is that normal for you?

OP posts:

Nn9011 · 12/08/2023 13:37

Your response to her was amazing. I'm honestly so shocked at how many people have voted YABU and the only logical thing I can think of is that these are women who are exactly like your MIL.

Your husband sees her every morning and gets a packed lunch - is he 5?! Maybe look up enmeshed families and how mothers can often replace an emotional partnership with their sons. It might be helpful to understand her behavior and if relevant to the situation then you can also show hubby why it's a problem.

Blossomtoes · 12/08/2023 13:36

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:33

@SplendidUtterly
😄Good Christmas present idea...for her 🫠

I suspect choosing her a Christmas present will be the least of your worries at this rate.

BlastedIce · 12/08/2023 13:36

cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 13:32

I see everyone’s got their blinkers on now we’re piling on the OP. Did you ever stop to think that the type of weird enmeshed and manipulative relationship described here is not something anyone should be aspiring to?

Show quote history

Far from having our blinkers in, I think OPs subsequent posts have opened everyone’s eyes!

He is not allowed back into his home, he must sleep at his mothers because OP says so, because he said he’d have a chat with his mum (which OP wanted), and because he says he’ll do it over a meal, then he is ordered to sleep there as well?

OP is so far wrong here it’s embarrassing, and who the hell has a conversation like this over text? Which the OP instigated!

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 13:35

AllOfThemWitches · 12/08/2023 12:11

What self respecting woman would allow her mother to make her a packed lunch every day!?

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If my mum insisted I’d happily let her!

Zone2NorthLondon · 12/08/2023 13:35

You’re both competing for the praise and status of looking after son/dh. Both similar
So what if his mum makes his lunch, doesn’t take anything away from you. At all
Plenty Irish, Greek, Italian, mammies are still fussing over their adult son. It’s a role that they like and want to maintain
You are both locked in unhealthy competition. Step back, let her be the mum. You be the wife. You were unnecessarily unkind to her

Original poster

Didntmeanto6 · 12/08/2023 13:33

@SplendidUtterly
😄Good Christmas present idea...for her 🫠

OP posts:

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:33

Bodynegative · 12/08/2023 12:16

Dear God, she sounds like an absolute nightmare! What would she think if the roles were reversed? I do think that cultural backgrounds can have an influence on the way we behave, however British MILs can be just as bad, thinking that no one can be as close, if not closer, to their DS.

Which thread are you reading, because it doesn’t sound like this one !!

cocoloco117 · 12/08/2023 13:32

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:13

The first woman comment was in retaliation to the OP criticising her MiL for doing DP packed lunches sometimes. And if this is a case of DP dropping in on his mum on the way to work every day, how exactly does that impact the OP ? So what if she sometimes makes him a packed lunch - it doesn’t mean that’s the sole reason he visits. Did you ever stop to think that the packed lunch thing might be as a result of the fact that MiL is now widowed and likes the opportunity to care for someone she loves ? I would be far more suspicious of a man who put his mother at arms’ length once he married, just to keep his wife happy.

Show quote history

I see everyone’s got their blinkers on now we’re piling on the OP. Did you ever stop to think that the type of weird enmeshed and manipulative relationship described here is not something anyone should be aspiring to?

SlipSlidinAway · 12/08/2023 13:32

SplendidUtterly · 12/08/2023 13:21

Quick question OP does he have his own special big boy packed lunch box that his mum bought for him and if so does it have his name and little stickers on the front???

Oh hilarious 🙄

Unsubtleturtle · 12/08/2023 13:31

I laughed out loud at your response, absolutely savage (even if you didn't mean it that way). Probably should have taken the high road but i understand how difficult that is when mil is constantly trying to have some strange competition with you and the constant snide comments positioning you as some horrible person. Had to make very clear that romantic relationships and maternal relationships have very clear boundaries and i had no interest in taking on the latter because that's creepy and visa versa. There's space for two women in these precious mens lives. Plus fighting over a man is not something I'm prepared to do. Sounds like you have a DH problem. He's perpetuating this unhealthy dynamic. If he doesnt get it and set boundaries id personally rethink the relationship. Accepting a packed lunch every day from a parent is a bit weird as an adult. Let alone the rest.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:30

maypoll · 12/08/2023 12:16

What about your man child of a DP in all this? You say he's 43 so isn't he able to make his own decision about when he sees his mum and whether she makes his lunch or not? I bet he loves seeing you both squabbling over him.

Where in the OP’s posts, has she indicated that he’s enjoying any of this ? He hasn’t engineered the situation, the OP has. And why is he a man child, just because he makes an effort to see his mum regularly - given that she’s widowed and there may be other contributing factors we’re not privy to ?

Rosscameasdoody · 12/08/2023 13:27

willWillSmithsmith · 12/08/2023 13:21

The more this thread goes on the more the MiL has my sympathies. Her behaviour may be a direct result of many years of having to deal with OP.

I thought this from the opening post, and the more the OP adds to it, the more likely it seems.