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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disability Social Workers

113 replies

OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 08:22

When you have a severely disabled child, you are eligible for a bit of respite. If you need anything above the bare minimum level of respite, you usually need a social worker.

What this means, in some areas, is even if you have done nothing "wrong" as a parent, to get any rest you need to:

  • Agree to be on a Child in Need plan (and go to meetings)
  • "Safety score" your family at every CiN meeting, and believe it or not there is a right answer as '8' means you don't get services and '5' is child protection enquiry. Professionals also score you.
  • There is a note at the bottom of the CiN that says although it is voluntary, if you "disengage" the LA can choose to step it up to a Child Protection matter.
  • Agree to visits of your home (usually every 6 weeks) and you have to show them your child's bedroom. There is also a little box on their forms which asks if they have seen the child alone.
  • Tell every hospital you take your child to that they have a social worker.
  • The schools treat you differently (sometimes there is a big advantage to this, for example our schools remained open during strikes to children with social workers) but sometimes it comes with an extra level of sort of concealed monitoring that you can tell is safeguarding tick boxes.
  • They haven't with us, but they can and do make comments about parenting which wouldn't meet the normal "thresholds" for intervention. I know MN always says Social Care don't have time for this, but perhaps there is an exception for people already open to them?? I have several friends who have experienced this.

I hate it. It is completely humiliating and it makes me just want to run away from it all (which of course we can't because we have a social worker...) Now, I understand some of the reasons - in theory - why it's like this (disabled children are particularly vulnerable to abuse) but it also feels like using a risk factor to exert coercive control over parents who happen to have had a disabled child.

I also know many parents who don't ask for extra respite because they don't want this.

AIBU to think it shouldn't be like this?

OP posts:
Mischance · 12/08/2023 18:10

I was a social worker with disabled young adults. I resigned. I got so sick of just being a form-filler and pen-pusher and having to make people who were already in stressful and sad situations jump through a succession of hoops whose main purpose was not assessing need (as purported) but making sure that the LA did not have to shell out for anything.

There is no concern for the emotional aspects of all this - how must it feel for a parent of a loved child to have to sign a form to say they cannot cope with them unaided? I left one home and wrote my resignation there and then - I had told the powers that be that we needed to tread carefully with one family as they had recently lost another child in a road accident - to have to say that you cannot cope with another of their children was deeply distressing. I advised against putting them through the full assessment process and that we should simply believe the evidence of our eyes (the teenage child under assessment was virtually helpless physically). I was told: no assessment signed, then no help. The mother broke down completely during the assessment as I had predicted she would. That is not what I went into social work for.

I had no integrity left and all my care and concern for those in difficulties counted for nothing, nor did my years of professional experience in the field.

I am sorry to hear that nothing has changed.

Cubic · 12/08/2023 18:06

Sorry I wasn't clear with my post. As with everything else with our kids it's money saving. All the parents who won't go through this because of the intrusion save the LA ££££££££. Then there is the threat of how you will be judged. It's disgusting and I really feel for you.

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 18:03

@cestlavielife I can imagine a social care assessment which doesn't require bedroom checks and CiN meetings/plans/visits - they do manage in adult social care ...

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Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 18:02

@Cubic we don't have the option of no CiN :(

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Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 18:01

@PurpleBugz I hear you, same situation here re school...

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Einevinefine · 12/08/2023 18:00

@EmmatheStageRat - hear you too.

Cubic · 12/08/2023 18:00

My son has severe needs. We have respite in the form of 2 PA'S that take him out and a pb. We do have a named sw but our LA have said we advocate too well for him and therefore don't require cin intervention. We only see the sw when we need to tweak things.

It's a double edged sword as when we need support in meetings etc we don't get it. When we went to tribunal a couple of years ago we requested that the tribunal looked at social care too (under the trial at the time). The LA assigned us a sw who raised issues with us. Funnily enough when the tribunal was agreed we went back to not requiring intervention and support from a sw.

I know many families who have been accused of fii when trying to get support for their disabled child.

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 17:59

@EmmatheStageRat we're waiting for the day someone calls 999, luckily our neighbours know our situation but we have had them knock on the door to check we're OK.

Why did you come off the CiN?

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PurpleBugz · 12/08/2023 17:59

My son has no school place as no school can meet need. But I have CIN meetings at my house or zoom. I can't attend them in person because I have to care for my child.

But I agree with you is invasive. We took ages to get a disability SW and I must say the disability one is better than the ones assessing my parenting saying "good parent we have no role so no help offered".

It comes down to how much you need the help. I'm desperate so will do anything

EmmatheStageRat · 12/08/2023 17:57

@OoopsOhNo thanks for starting this thread, I am finding it enlightening. My own teen DD is blind and is diagnosed with ADHD, autism and binge eating disorder) as well as other conditions (we could fill an A-Z compendium). DD is violent , aggressive, angry and hostile but my LA prides itself on not ‘putting children into respite care’. AKA would rather sabotage a family and have to spend £6K a week on foster or residential care than put its hands in its pockets for a few quid per week on respite care. DD is about to go back on a CIN plan (a neighbour dialled 999 after hearing her having a massive meltdown and physically threatening and attacking her younger sister and I). We have been here before; the SWs will visit when the computer says and they will always find spotless bedding on her bed as I am a functioning adult and parent who just happens to be doing my best to manage a child who struggles with life and society. I hear you.

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 17:56

@CoffeeWithCheese omg your brother checking your kids' rooms!!!!

@cansu was this some time ago and what was the level of respite? If we take few days a year playscheme/ short breaks we don't have to do the hoops, but if parents in our area require more regular respite the process is the same for everyone. I know not all areas are the same but from the thread seems like there are a few that are.

I often think that other parents of typically developing children wouldn't accept this, at all. If you take risk factors for example - poverty or having children under 1 are both risk factors for abuse but can you imagine if everyone who was poor or had a newborn baby had to submit to this, just in case they might be abusive?

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cestlavielife · 12/08/2023 17:51

How, would it work otherwise?
Someone has to assess and allocate resources
Tick the boxes filll the forms etc
Most disability sw have been fine problem is they move on so quickly
Not signing up and no respite is ok if you can pay yourself mostly people cannot plus there do need to be some checks

Einevinefine · 12/08/2023 17:50

Yes … “performance parents” sums it up perfectly.
Really hope you can get help you need, especially important for you and other children you might have.
So much of what has been written here resonates with my experience, plus ExH had two affairs

cansu · 12/08/2023 17:47

I don't know why you would have these hoops to jump through. My ds when young had respite and other services due to his disabilities. I did not have to attend any CIN meetings. No one had ever checked my bedrooms or given me any scores that I am aware of.

CoffeeWithCheese · 12/08/2023 17:45

My brother is a social worker and took it upon himself to check my own kids bedrooms last time he visited my home! (He got present with our councils emergency number if he had any concerns and no repeat invites!)

OP yes the system is shit (I work in adult services from a healthcare point of view so deal with the social care team a lot) and the turnover is so high that you get a good one and they move on and the whole thing starts again. At least once you hit adult services and things are set up - they tend to leave you alone and just pay for the agreed stuff.

It should not have to be so unecessarily adversarial.

My personal pet peeve is when we are supporting clients who need to be prepared in advance for professionals visiting (and we can do photographs, social stories etc to support this) and we communicate all of this to SW who then do a random “popping by today to go through a huge wodge of information” (At a level going totally over the clients head) and really overload them to the point that behaviour escalates and things go to pot!

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 17:45

@Einevinefine I am so sorry to hear this. It shouldn't be this difficult.

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Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 17:44

@boboshmobo I wish I could see it like this, maybe it will come. I still find myself playing performance parent, sometimes I really wish they would just fuck off but then we wouldn't get a break.

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Einevinefine · 12/08/2023 17:43

Feel for you, been through hell and back with getting help. Social Workers kept changing but one was very intrusive and then broke down about her own family life. I was traumatised and I don’t use that word lightly. It affected my other children and my marriage (we split up). It was a period in my life that went on and on (trying to get care) and I want to black it out.
OP - hugs to you 🌸🌸🌸

boboshmobo · 12/08/2023 17:35

I have all this and couldn't give two hoots

They come , we dance the merry dance and they go . I get my direct payments and that's that

Having a child with SN is pretty invasive tbh but it is what it is

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 17:33

@wizzywig I felt the same for a while, but we needed the respite or we would have been seriously exhausted by now. I might stop going to the CiN meetings, I genuinely find it traumatic. I do not use that word lightly.

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wizzywig · 12/08/2023 15:51

I forgot to say, I've never attended cin meetings for myself

wizzywig · 12/08/2023 15:50

Hi op, I've had a different experience. Yes I find it humiliating but that's becuase I feel like asking for respite means I'm failing to cope as a parent. And I know that's a me thing. If they want to see the house, they can do that. I don't care. In my mind I think I want my kids to be 'in the system' so that of the worst happened and me and dh died/ were incapacitated, then social services know my kids

Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 15:18

@OneInEight yup!

@AlwaysAWoman did you depend some time in Disabled Children team? What was it like?

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Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 15:17

Icedlatteplease · 12/08/2023 12:27

But part of a social workers job is to assess the need for respite. You literally have complained about a social workers job. If you didn't have a social worker you would still need someone assessing for respite, which would still be intrusive whatever you called them.

I say this as a parent of a SN child on a CIN plan who has significant round the clock care needs provisioned by social services and another on a CIN plan due to the first.

I guess in some ways, but why check the bedrooms?

Surely you can assess without all the rest of the invasions? It shouldn't be all or nothing. Look at what BananaSlug said :(

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Original poster
OoopsOhNo · 12/08/2023 15:15

@BananaSlug we were like you for many years but in the end our need for respite outweighed our need for privacy (which is actually a human right).

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