To ask DW to share the load

God it sounds miserable.

Yes you absolutely need to night wean and sleep train. Like starting tomorrow!

And 5.45! You need to change the bedtime/ nap schedule or something.

For an idea of schedules I have a 15 month old. He gets up about 7.30. Has breakfast, 8oz milk, then short nap about 9.30 to 10.15ish. Then lunch about 11.30-12ish. Then afternoon nap about 1-3. Then dinner about 5.30. 8oz Milk about 6.30ish. Bedtime routine starts with a bath at 7.30. In bed for 8 and asleep in 10-15 mins of reading bedside stories. Then sleeps through, he wakes between sleep cycles but resettles himself (has a pulsing red light, dummy, Shaun the sheep white noise and a comforter teddy) no feeds, no nappy change (we use pampers baby dry for the nights as only brand we have no leaks with).

He does occasionally wake if he has a false start or a nightmare. That’s probably about once a week on average max one wake a night (11.30 or 2 seem to be the danger points).

And obviously we can get a bad batch if he’s teething or ill.

Obviously the above doesn’t solve the wife issue but if you fix the root causes it’s the same result. More sleep!

Goodluck!

But we are talking about one element. Night wakes. Of a toddler who js no longer breastfeeding. For all we know, the wife does all the daytime duties every single day. We don't know. I get that doing all the night wakes js hard. She will have done it every 2/3 hours for 6 mo ths solid and breastfed.

Realistically, how much of an actual chore should a 17mo non breastef baby's night waking be?

Presumably the OP Knew that as he was having a baby with a woman who is deaf, that part of that would be that his wife wouldn't hear the baby wake overnight?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

his wife is deaf, and that's sad - all the things she'll not hear, but presumably she was deaf when they chose to have a baby. Her deafness is not a reason not to fully share parenting their child.

@Lookingatthesunset

and of course you are right!!

if a 17 month old was waking in the night, every night I'd be seriously looking to sort that out. Some will, but it's not a given

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

yes, that IS very sad, but it's not a free pass on parenting your children.

@BarchesterTowels

it's just that it's so darn difficult to wake her up that by the time I succeed in doing so I might as well have changed the nappy (or whatever) myself

that would be my thoughts too. I'd rather deal with the toddler than waking someone up.

Have you looked into what's available for people with hearing impairments, in the way of baby monitors with vibrations etc?

Does she have any kind of alarm that wakes her (again vibration) that she could set for 5:30 then use a video monitor to see when your toddler wakes up.
but honestly, she should be looking for ways to do her fair share of nights/wakings. Or even less than her 'share' but something, not just leaving it to you.

families where both parents are deaf sort it out, I'm sure there are solutions.

No, I just think a short period of broken sleep is nothing in comparison to the wife's experience here.

While we are nitpicking, I don't see the point of this post at all. The op is not unsympathetic of his wife's disability, but you seem to be implying he is.

A 17 month old shouldn't be waking for a feed at night so try feeding her something substantial before bedtime so that she doesn't wake hungry. (Having said that, my bf youngest woke several times a night to be fed until self-weaning at 22 months, so I do get that it's not easy!)

She shouldn't need a nappy changed overnight either. That's only very small babies?

I think you need to work on the sleeping through the night thing for everyone's sake.

I know this, my dd is 3...! And still doesn't sleep through the night.

But a year of disrupted sleep is still more than 6m of disrupted sleep. Especially as this might go on for years.

Anyway I bf (including night feeds) till my dd was over 2 and my dh still helped a lot. There's no need for one parent to do it all, whichever parent that is. It's not fair for one parent to do it all.

If it takes vigorous shaking to wake her it the device vibration might not be enough to wake her

Night wakes for a breastfed under 6mo are vastly different to a night wake for a 17mo.

I think there are baby monitors with a vibrate function for parents with hearing impairment - would that be any good? She could wear it every other night so you take it in turns maybe?

I think yanbu when I saw your update that she stopped breastfeeding at around 6m. That means you've been doing night waking for a lot longer than your dw.

Also, and this might make me seem like a dick, it's unintended.

Your wife will never hear your sweet daughters beautiful voice. Ever.

How many night wakes does a 17mo do? Surely she is night weaned? Are you feeding her overnight?

Why are you waking a one and a half year old to change a nappy in the night anyway?

I agree you ought to be able to get some breaks here, as it doesn’t seem fair.

Im not quite sure how you do it in practice - are you someone who once you’re awake finds it hard to go back to sleep?

I agree with pp that breastfeeding is exhausting, so she has done a big shift, but equally you shouldn’t be left with no breaks or unbroken sleep now.

OK I've seen the follow up. You need to be taking turns to get up at 5.45 at the very least so you can get a bit more sleep. And she should go to bed earlier rather than nap, 5.45 isn't that early! It shouldn't all be on one person. Does she know how exhausted you are?

My DH is a very deep sleeper (and also borderline selfish when it comes to sleep) I’ve realised I need to be explicit with him. I will just tell him it’s his turn and make sure I wake him and clearly say it’s your turn. It took me a while to get to the stage where I realised that was the only way I could get him to get up during the night or in early morning.

Are you both working? If so one of you could do the nights and the other the early mornings, maybe take it in turns.

I think it depends on what the deal was when she was breastfeeding (did you field any of it? Did you get up and give her a lie in a couple of times a week? If so, you should get what she got in terms of help) and how long it's been - if she fed for a year, and you've now been doing all nights for two years, then yeah, she should be helping again. If she fed for a year and you slept through every night in that period, and you've been doing the s for 3 months, then poss it would be fair to give it a bit longer.
You should talk to her, though. It does nobody any good if one of you is on your knees.

What does your little one want during the night?

If it's just comfort and reassurance let DC co-sleep with wife and you sleep in the other room?

Do you both work the same hours? If so then she needs to do the early morning feed if you do the night. Do you get any chance for some catch up sleep at the weekend?

Of course she can do more- no one should continuously be deprived of sleep. Why doesn’t she want to get up now and again?