If you are a hugger,

YANBU, I hate hugs unless it’s my husband. Even then, it has to be with my consent.

I am now addressing my chronic alcohol problems through online AA meetings but I went to AA in person years ago and was really uncomfortable with the huggers there, people thought it amusing to make me uncomfortable. Thanks twats for making me shy away and letting me drink for more years than I should have. 🙄

Nobody should have to tolerate someone coming into their personal space if they don't want to. Instead, why not try respecting someone's boundaries?

You have zero idea of that persons history. Someone coming into a persons personal space can be a trigger due to past abuse, for example.

Why do you feel that your need to hug is more important than respecting someone's boundaries? Why should they just tolerate it?

No of course it wouldn't be okay. Those things aren't commonly used the same way in the same circumstances.

@WontYouRideMyWhiteHorse fair point and groping is obviously more than unpleasant. And in a different category from hugging.
I have to say though (and I do understand and respect the fact some people don’t like it), that I do think the militant anti-hugging stance is a bit OTT.
Fine not to like it. But painting people who do it as aggressive or narcissistic bullies is an overreaction.

I suppose because no one will come on here and say they indiscriminately hug everyone and fuck it if they don't like it.

For example, I know I'm not OTT because I actually very rarely hug people(especially at work). Normally it's in a haven't seen you for ages situations or someone who is crying/distressed/had a bereavement that kind of stuff. Which mean I gave hugs 5 times at most last year (I'm going by the school year as I work in a school).

It’s interesting how all the huggers here are at pains to say they ask first, or can easily read people and read the cues and never hug someone where it is unwanted, yet those of us who don’t like hugging all have lots of experience at fending off huggers.

Precisely. Most of the chronic huggers I've known are seriously lacking in emotional intelligence.

We all occasionally have to tolerate things we don’t much like in the interest of social harmony. A gross personal space invader or a groper is unpleasant but a couple of seconds enduring a well meant hug isn’t the worst thing in the world

To me, huggers are gross personal space invaders and I shouldn’t have to tolerate them, irrespective of how ‘well-meant’ they are.

Oh I hate huggers. It is not acceptable to invade my personal space like that, nor to inflict unwanted bodily contact on me. I find it horribly intrusive.

It’s interesting how all the huggers here are at pains to say they ask first, or can easily read people and read the cues and never hug someone where it is unwanted, yet those of us who don’t like hugging all have lots of experience at fending off huggers.

@Hoardasurass

"get there fucking hands off of me"

Nice!

I would never ever unilaterally hug people unless I know that they are people that like being hugged. If someone hugged me spontaneously (i.e. a colleague) - I wouldn't expect them to ask for permission but that's my own personal mindset - I'm a relatively relaxed person socially and pretty gregarious. I'm mindful of other people's feelings and understand that we are all different.

I’m a hugger but I always ask first and 100% respect the word no.

God I hate having to hug men (apart from DH and v close male family members) because obviously my boobs get squished against them. I don’t know how it ever became a thing. There were some good things about COVID. I was kind of hoping it we’d all have kept that bit of f social distancing.

Ok, but why would you even want to hug people you don't know very well or people you work with? Do you not understand how awkward it is to be asked if you want a hug from someone when you absolutely do not?

I think this is a bit extreme.

I can take or leave hugs. I do it with people I know and like but not with people I don’t know. I’m very aware that lots of people don’t like it and fair enough. If I get the sense people don’t way to be hugged I absolutely will respect this.

But this very hard line narrative that has developed recently that unilaterally hugging people is offensive or aggressive is a bit ridiculous.

At worst it is a few seconds of feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I think most people can tell if it’s meant affectionately or not. If you hate it that much wear a t shirt.

We all occasionally have to tolerate things we don’t much like in the interest of social harmony. A gross personal space invader or a groper is unpleasant but a couple of seconds enduring a well meant hug isn’t the worst thing in the world. Most of us can deal with it happening from time to time.

Towards the end of lockdown/one of the liftings, the FT had a brilliant cartoon that had a newspaper hoarding of "OK to hug again" and a very grouchy bloke walking past with the caption "don't even think it".
It was my screensaver for months until I moved on to a new role.
Wish I still had it - at a recent role the Chief Exec had a tendency to hug - YUK.

I have a friend who is a hugger. I remember one time feeling very uncomfortable. I was busy organising something and she asked me for a hug. I gave her a quick hug and then she wouldn't let go saying 'squeeze me tighter. I want a squeeze hug'. When I refused, she asked if I was mad at her.

I didn't used to like hugs. Found eye contact difficult too. I am improving in both areas.

Not a hugger and I usually move back when people try it. Too many shoulders and elbows and chins and general bony awkwardness involved for my liking, regardless of anyone's weight, plus I'm simply not that fond of anyone. (Now if it's an affectionate cat, that's a different matter! 😻)

YANBU. Late MIL was a hugger I couldn’t stand it.

What an awful attitude.

I initiate hugs with those I love, but I have a couple of single colleagues at work who don’t get many hugs. I’m always happy to hug them as they are lovely people.

Mostly when I get ambushed/ hugged i assume it’s a ruse to feel my tits pressed up against their chest.

So if I decided to randomly tickle people or pat them on the head that would be OK and if anyone had an issue with it they would be in the wrong because I have decided I need to do these things?

Why is hugging any different?

So if people don't like hugging they are the odd ones?

a mate told me quite recently, the reason why the Brits use 'arms length' is because anything closer is deemed too close and getting into 'one's space', the Spanish and Italians it's a 'hands length'. No idea how true this is, but it sort of makes sense that the Brits are more into a shake of the hand and the Spanish and Italians are more into a kiss on the cheek, I'm guessing the French might fall into the hands length category too? Are the Germans and Scandinavians hand shakers or kissers? And don't the Polynesians rub noses? I think the Japanese have got it right with a slight bow, no contact of any sort! Okay I know I'm stereotyping like mad, but it's interesting isn't it?

I’m a hugger, it’s a cultural thing and also it’s something I genuinely enjoy the feel of. Being in someone else’s space shows vulnerability, closeness, openness. It’s acceptance, and, briefly, we form an alliance, a unit. It means we’re not alone, there is another human who can shelter us.

It can be all of those things, yes. It can also be an invasion of unacknowledged boundary, a violation, uncomfortable, awkward, and energy draining, particularly for the sensitive/empaths amongst us.

I used to hug a lot, and I have to say I think 99% of the time it was always well received... then I learnt better boundaries, and a few years after that covid happened and I lost all appetite for it with all but my closest friends and family anyway. These days I'll offer a hug, and I will be just as delighted with a no as with a yes - It's really nice to see somebody be able to stand up for what they need in the moment. I have little hesitation in refusing a hug if I need to protect my energy, too.

I do think those who have a problem with others offering a hug miiight need to work on their own boundaries a bit more. Normalise saying no to the point that you enjoy it. I promise it doesn't make you a bad person, and your life will be SO much richer if you are able to do what is right for you in the moment without feeling guilty.

Exactly.

In almost all situations it's possible to read the dynamics and know if a hug would be welcomed or appropriate.

A good hug is wonderful. (If you like hugs of course!)