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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
OriginalBliss · 09/08/2023 14:22

I have a good friend like this, and, fond though I am of him, I can see he would be awful to be married to. Since we've been friends, he's been married, divorced, had one relationship of about 18 months and is now living with someone, so I can see a pattern.

In himself, he is a low-energy, passive, routine-bound individual (and although he's 57 now, he's been like this as long as I've known him).

When he is in a new relationship, he is temporarily excited enough to be semi-dynamic, plan things, get out of his routine. Then, when the newness wears off, he returns to being someone who just wants to be at home scrolling around on his iPad on the sofa, and to whom what would be a minor routine chore for most people (taking the children swimming, buying shoes) turns into something that takes up a whole weekend, and after which he can't be expected to do anything else, because he needs to recover.

I remember once describing to him a very ordinary weekend, where I'd taken DS to his football training, DH picked up stuff from the farmer's market and cooked brunch for a couple of old friends at ours, I met my sister for a coffee and a walk, and DH and I went to see a film that night, and the day after we saw DH's parents, took a bunch of DS's friends to the beach with a couple of the other parents, did some grocery shopping and household chores -- and he kept making huffing noises of disbelief, as though I'd just climbed Everest while balancing a book on my head and learning calculus.

He also has a habit of borrowing the hobbies, friends, lifestyle of whatever woman he's in a relationship with, and when he's between relationships, he does literally nothing at all other than sit on the sofa at home, when he's not at work. He sort of goes into 'neutral mode'. He also thinks women's role in his life is to (I quote) 'keep me up to the mark'.

Unsurprisingly, women get tired of this.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 14:17

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 09/08/2023 14:13

Just an idea, but I wonder if it would work to have more structure to the planning. So, for example, you agree to have a proper family day out one sat or sun a month. You both agree on the date and budget then have to take it in turns to come up with ideas / and book it. (By a deadline, he can’t just not organise it / leave it!)

It must be quite unattractive feeling like you’re dragging him round with you the whole time. It sounds like the spark has gone a bit, do you ever get any time to yourself just you two? Do you celebrate anniversaries etc? This is none of my business and I’m make assumptions but perhaps reconnecting (in the bedroom Or otherwise) would help. Easier said than done of course :)

This is part of it. We have very little help with the dc and consequently get no time to ourselves. We snap and bicker and the romance is pretty much dead.

But i can't get excited over someone who just brings me down so much. I'm not demanding or high maintenance. I'm just of the opinion that life is too short to sit around at home all day when there's a big world out there (and I don't mean everyday but just having things to look forward to is nice).

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 09/08/2023 14:16

Staring 50 in the teeth is a strange time for us all. My brother left his wife and by then grown up daughters. Some go off the rails, buy a motor bike and a pair of leather jeans. Others buy a beige cardigan with pockets for tissues and sit in the shed with a nice cup of tea. It's his age.

You're at different stages.

You could issue him a challenge - three interesting things for the family to do and for you as a couple per month chosen and organised by him. If it happens and becomes habit, brilliant.

If this doesn't happen, you have a choice. Accept this is your life from now on and it will dwindle and lose more colour as time passes. Or start considering if this truly the life you want.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 14:14

I try and discuss it with him. His favourite excuse is we can't afford things. Which is true an extent as we have a massive mortgage and bills. However he doesn't seem to realise that with thought and imagination you don't need to spend a lot to have a nice time. He doesn't accept that. He says everything costs money. It's just fucking miserable.

OP posts:
onetwobucklemyshoethreefourknockonthedoor · 09/08/2023 14:14

I don’t think that leaving him would be any benefit for the kids. They will
miss out from a father just because he doesn’t plan days out. At least in daily routine he’s there and kids will remember that. What if when they grow up he steps up and he’s just thinking about these things for now. I would talk about having a day out and tell him can you arrange it because it’s just me all the time and see what he says.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 09/08/2023 14:13

Just an idea, but I wonder if it would work to have more structure to the planning. So, for example, you agree to have a proper family day out one sat or sun a month. You both agree on the date and budget then have to take it in turns to come up with ideas / and book it. (By a deadline, he can’t just not organise it / leave it!)

It must be quite unattractive feeling like you’re dragging him round with you the whole time. It sounds like the spark has gone a bit, do you ever get any time to yourself just you two? Do you celebrate anniversaries etc? This is none of my business and I’m make assumptions but perhaps reconnecting (in the bedroom Or otherwise) would help. Easier said than done of course :)

Retrievemysanity · 09/08/2023 14:11

In my circle of friends it’s definitely the women who plan the days out etc. Although they all work part time to be fair, so have more time to plan and research them. DH v rarely suggests places to go but he’s always happy to go out to things I’ve seen.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 14:06

And I am only 4.5/5 years younger. I am always busy and have much more energy and joie de vivre- but it was the same when we were 23 & 27.

Oblomov23 · 09/08/2023 14:05

I have almost the opposite problem, a 9 year age gap and the man never stops, is the driving force, gets up and does all jobs whilst ds's and I are still asleep.

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 14:04

DH is 52 and is definitely more inert than he used to be, though he was always quite lazy to be fair.

HashBrownandBeans · 09/08/2023 14:03

My first marriage split because of the age gap, amongst other things like his weaponised incompetence at home. As I approached 30 while he approached 40, we just weren’t compatible any more. I can’t imagine being with him now he’s over 50!

Pippylongstock · 09/08/2023 14:02

He just doesn’t seem to listen to your concerns. I would add in our house it would never be one of us booking something. It would be both of us. So for a holiday we would sit down, talk through the options and then book. For day trips ect we will each plan days but normally check in with the other person. Someone else has suggested it, but maybe start with individual therapy to work out what you want and go from there.

loislovesstewie · 09/08/2023 14:00

i don't think it is an age thing; my late husband was always organizing something, to the extent that the kids would complain that their lives were too busy. He was a bit of a big kid himself and would always make suggestions about places to go.
It really might just be that he is self contained, a bit introverted and not happy with being around lots of people. I'm not excusing him BTW, I think he should get on with planning something, he just needs to get the impetus to do it.
Maybe give him a task for the week/month whatever? Plan a trip?

Dogsitterwoes · 09/08/2023 13:59

I don't think it's an age thing at all. He's not that ancient. Young children are more tiring if you are older, but not to that extent. My Dad was an older Dad and worked hard (out of the house 6am to 6pm) but still had time and energy for us. Lots of older parents are very active.

He's turned into a homebody, which is fine if the whole family are that way, but unfair if not.

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 13:59

Remember though that you will change with age too - it’s quite possible you will re-align at some point. It seems a small thing to chuck a marriage away for. Perhaps counselling would help?

DrManhattan · 09/08/2023 13:55

Also 10 year age gap and that's never been an issue, so it could be a red herring. It could be down to personality types, hes probably just happy to do nothing or go along with the flow if someone else is doing all the sorting out.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:52

It could be the age thing. Maybe I was naive to think it wouldn't be an issue for us.

OP posts:
CamelSilk · 09/08/2023 13:50

I'm around the same age as your DH and I think the age gap may be a big part of this. I definitely have less "get up and go" than I did 10 years ago!

BrawnWild · 09/08/2023 13:47

Sounds like he just doesnt want to be a dad.

Happy enough to plan things...with you....

Cant be bothered to plan or even attend days out with the kids.

Engages in solo activities.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:44

I think the reason I find it annoying is twofold. When we met he wasn't like this. I sometimes feel like I've been tricked into believing him to be a different version of himself than he actually is. He can be fun, engaging and charming but that's not the side of him I see anymore.

I also feel like I'm under pressure to plan stuff for the kids. I'm not someone who thinks they should be #makingmemories every single day and encourage the older one to go out with his friends and to use his imagination to make his own fun. But while they are still young I want to have days out now and again. And it would be nice to have a husband who was on board with that too and even maybe planned a few bits.

He works, he cooks, he tends to the garden, he will look after dc if I want to do something, he's far from lazy. In many ways he's a very good man. But he's just got very 'un dynamic' when it comes to actually doing anything. Life is a cycle of work, chores, meals, bedtimes and we all need something to break up the monotony surely?

Whenever I address it he gets defensive, cites one of his many excuses and then gets sulky if i offer a different view. It just takes all the enjoyment out of things. Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary (I know we shouldn't compare but there we go).

OP posts:
PetitPorpoise · 09/08/2023 13:42

He wouldn't be the only person to feel a bit like that after covid and with young children as well. Leaving him seems a bit of a nuclear option if this is the only thing he's doing wrong. God knows I'm not as fun an spontaneous as I was before children.

Also, how old are your children? Children do sometimes make even the simplest of days out and trips a bit of a drag. Do you have reliable childcare so that you can do things as a couple sometimes?

I do think you need to at least talk it through and maybe see a counsellor if things don't get better.

LegendsBeyond · 09/08/2023 13:40

Life’s too short to live like that. It will eat away at you. I’d talk to him about how much it affects you. If things don’t change, I’d leave & get on with living your life.

bussteward · 09/08/2023 13:38

Can you just book stuff to do with the children and he can accompany or not? A fait accompli. Leaves all the mental load and planning to you but at least you’d be doing the things.

Strugglingtofindclothes · 09/08/2023 13:38

Best thing I ever did was leave my one that was like this. They're not only boring but their boring personality by default makes them controlling and domineering as they always get their own way or make sure you suffer if they dont. I didn't realise how much I'd lost myself by staying with him, it took over 5 years to recover.

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2023 13:37

I'm mid 30s and my dh is 8 years older. The age gap is starting to get more noticeable now in that he tires more easily than I do. Perhaps your dh is the same.

My dh does plan outings though and is proactive on that front. Could it be a cost issue? I'd speak to him about it, how's he supposed to change if he doesn't realise it's an issue?