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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 15:32

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:23

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home.

Sorry, couldn't disagree more with this. I think its a terrible way for kids to live and it really limits their opportunities.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

This seems quite an extreme position. Let’s remember that this vision of childhood - days out, activities, external stimulation all the time - is very much a phenomenon of the last 2 or 3 decades. There are things about it that are good but also downsides (time spent idly reading, playing, making up stuff without adult supervision is also developmentally important).

Timeturnerplease · 09/08/2023 15:30

Also agree the age gap may well be a red herring. DH is 10+ years older than me, but on a recent holiday with my sister and her husband (similar ages to me) revealed that he has a million times more get up and go than the three of us put together. My father is 70 and still goes off piste skiing, cycles 100 miles in one go and barely sits still. He’s never at home.

I’d be more concerned that maybe your DH finds it difficult or undesirable to do things as a family. A personality trait/issue that’s only becoming apparent now.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 15:23

But some of your criticisms are unfair. He just has a different personality to you, it sounds like he enjoys staying in, not doing much, and a quiet life. Some families live like that, there's nothing wrong with it and I'm not sure kids necessarily benefit from tonnes of experiences out of the home.

Sorry, couldn't disagree more with this. I think its a terrible way for kids to live and it really limits their opportunities.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 15:08

I see both sides of this and I don't think either of you is wrong, as such. You just have different viewpoints and different preferences.

I don't think he's dull either - it's perfectly okay to prefer staying at home. As long as he's not making you stay home all the time too, is it really a problem?

You could always mix and match what you do. You take one DC out with you and leave him in charge of the other. Then the next day, swap children. Then do a family day out, then a family day at home. Make it fair for everyone.

Johnisafckface · 09/08/2023 15:07

DrManhattan · 09/08/2023 13:55

Also 10 year age gap and that's never been an issue, so it could be a red herring. It could be down to personality types, hes probably just happy to do nothing or go along with the flow if someone else is doing all the sorting out.

I agree. I have a male friend who is in his mid 50s and his wife is mid 40s and he's always on the go with his DD and never gets tired. He even works two jobs. And two of my exes who are mid 50s have endless energy. But they are all very social, can't sit still type of people. I'm the opposite and I actually enjoy not doing stuff every weekend. And I've always been like that no matter my age. It's just my personality. But I'm usually glad to go if something is planned, as long as it's not every weekend.

Chickenkeev · 09/08/2023 15:05

11 year age gap here and OH not like this. He's early 50s.

gothshot · 09/08/2023 15:02

I used to have a boyfriend like this. I'd arrange everything we did, he'd never suggest days out but when I did arrange things or make suggestions he'd be happy to go along with it. It got so draining in the end being the one to plan stuff all the time and I just felt like he couldn't be bothered.
I've been with my current partner coming up 5 years and we have a 4 month old DD. He suggests days out and plans things for us. He helps out loads around the house and is more than happy to do the night shift with DD.
I would say leave, life is too short to spend it unhappy like this and you could be missing out on a better life with someone new.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/08/2023 15:01

My friends dh is like this, she made a conscious decision a few years ago to leave him to it. She now has a circle of friends with kids and she holidays with them, days out, long weekends etc and has a whale of a time. Her dh moans from time to time that she's away a lot, but she tells him that's his decision and if he wants to do anything he can suggest it.

Backstreets · 09/08/2023 14:56

I kind of get it, but if he’s otherwise a good man this sounds fixable with some good communication and maybe some conditions- like taking turns planning a vacation every other year or so. He’ll probably never be a spontaneous romantic but that’s tough with young DC anyway, and trust me those blokes don’t grow on trees.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/08/2023 14:54

Yep. Dull homebody dh here as well.
I let him know things in advance and tell him that he doesn't have a choice and we're all going to this place.
I try to do some things that he'll like. Like a day trip to silverstone because, you know, cars. Ds loves them too so it's fine.
He's got better as he's got used to it and knows I'll get annoyed.
But I'm someone who loves to go out and about a lot so we've done absolutely loads without him. He's not a bad person, he just doesnt enjoy it as much as I do. We had totally different upbringings.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/08/2023 14:53

Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary (I know we shouldn't compare but there we go).

I don't know any men who do this. Truthfully I don't know many women who want their husband springing random days out and holidays on them - I think you are comparing your normal (if imperfect) situation with an atypical one that may or may not be as described.

At the end of the day you can cut your husband loose and it will take him 5 minutes to find a new partner who appreciates his many good traits and doesn't care who books the trip to the owl sanctuary. I question how easy it will be for you to find a new partner who does everything your husband does, and also delights you with Instagram friendly family experiences, so personally I would have a good think before taking any action.

Daphnis156 · 09/08/2023 14:50

I think it could be the age gap, maybe not really apparent until now.
Is this really something to divorce him for?

Mind you seething resentment for years will kill all love.

Margarita45 · 09/08/2023 14:47

OP it really sounds like you both just aren’t that compatible personality wise. I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for that though. I don’t think you can force him to be something he isn’t.

That being said, does he realise how deeply unhappy you are with the situation? He either makes a sacrifice to join in/plan some activities or he accepts that you may want to end your marriage.

For what it’s worth, my husband and I are completely different personalities. But we both equally prioritise our kids enjoyment - is this the wider issue here?

I mostly plan and book days out and activities, but he’s the spontaneous type that’ll randomly take them out on their bikes or to play football in the park on an evening on a whim. I don’t expect him to do what I do and vice versa…

bagforlifeamnesty · 09/08/2023 14:45

I meant to add, my kids are always hard work on a day out, there’s inevitable arguments and whinging and it can be quite frustrating when you’ve spent an arm and a leg to go somewhere and all they do is sulk because they’ve run out of strawberry ice creams or there was a big queue for the zip wire or whatever.

CamelSilk · 09/08/2023 14:45

It sounds like marriage guidance counselling might help OP. Would you consider that?

bagforlifeamnesty · 09/08/2023 14:44

I kind of get his perspective. I’m not overly keen on “days out”. What kind of days or trips are you wanting to do? Alton Towers or Legoland are not my idea of fun, I know the DC tend to like it but I have to force myself to go places like that. Also are your kids hard work on day trips? We generally prefer to go to places for a couple of hours rather than all day, so we don’t spend a fortune in a cafe or have to have yet another packed lunch (I spend all week making them and really can’t be arsed to make them at the weekends too). We are busy during the week with work/preschool/school etc and we pay a lot of money to live in a nice home so I like to enjoy it at the weekend rather than spend all day in and out. Maybe he’s just a homebird and that’s ok. Not everyone has to enjoy days out.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 14:43

Dixiechickonhols · 09/08/2023 14:39

I definitely think there’s a conversation to be had. Like you say it’s not about money it’s the thought. Having to be one constantly thinking of ideas isn’t fun.
Depending on childrens’ ages could you all agree to take turns and plan a day out.
What’s his reaction if you go without him? A few years ago I went abroad with dc and not him. We had a fantastic time. He’s been much keener to go on holiday since and has planned our current holiday.

I go out without him to fitness classes and to see friends. Not as often as I'd like but he's ok with it.

I love the idea of going away alone but with the little one I need all the help I can get! I think the current mood between us is so bad that some time apart might be a good thing though. I resent him, he resents me, we snap and argue, then sulky and silent. It's not good for anyone. And it annoys me that it's all down to the fact that I actually want to live life.

OP posts:
JusthereforXmas · 09/08/2023 14:42

It depends.

My DH drags his heals and finds faults in things like booking holidays, moving house or anything outside of routine and daily norms that should be exciting/fun/big step... hes anxious and possibly has mild autism. Its irritating but an annoying 'quirk' of him I live with it.

I however could not live with someone actually 'boring', as in someone I can not hold a conversation with etc... as thats my line in the sand and I have dumped ex's for that before. I NEED to be able to comunicate light heartedly with my partner or else Id be climbing the walls. The moody, serious, strong and silent types are NOT for me at all.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 14:41

MumblesParty · 09/08/2023 14:32

do you work OP?

Yes I work part time (27 hours)

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 09/08/2023 14:39

I definitely think there’s a conversation to be had. Like you say it’s not about money it’s the thought. Having to be one constantly thinking of ideas isn’t fun.
Depending on childrens’ ages could you all agree to take turns and plan a day out.
What’s his reaction if you go without him? A few years ago I went abroad with dc and not him. We had a fantastic time. He’s been much keener to go on holiday since and has planned our current holiday.

Tomrrowandtomorrowandtommorrow · 09/08/2023 14:36

OP, are you me? I feel like this too. But my DH thinks I'm controlling when I expect him to be more dynamic and involved, which has made me really insecure and unable to express my needs a lot of the time. It's rubbish and it doesn't feel like a relationship.

I work p/t (4 days out of 5) but invariably work on my day off (I'm a teacher). Despite that, I do all the housework, the gardening, mwal plan and cook 6 days out of 7, do all the driving (he hasn't learnt) and organise everything for the kids. If I complain, he sulks because I'm making him feel attacked. Then he's silent. But, he's silent anyway... I suspect ASC (our daughter's been diagnosed), so I feel like I can't really complain because he's just wired differently.

But I'm bored and lonely. He always has to nap at the weekend (I'm 49, he's 47) and he never arranges nice things for us to do. He forgot our last anniversary and if I want him to say goodnight to me, I have to say it first. I can't remember the last time he went to kiss me.

I've just been sitting here considering marriage counselling but secretly wish I could just walk away and live a kooky life in a kooky cottage by the sea alone.

MumblesParty · 09/08/2023 14:32

do you work OP?

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 14:32

@MumblesParty well obviously there has to be some level of balance doesn't there. I wouldn't want to constantly be on the go either. But when I've communicated my feelings time and time again and nothing changes other than him sulking for a few hours it gets very wearing.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 09/08/2023 14:30

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:44

I think the reason I find it annoying is twofold. When we met he wasn't like this. I sometimes feel like I've been tricked into believing him to be a different version of himself than he actually is. He can be fun, engaging and charming but that's not the side of him I see anymore.

I also feel like I'm under pressure to plan stuff for the kids. I'm not someone who thinks they should be #makingmemories every single day and encourage the older one to go out with his friends and to use his imagination to make his own fun. But while they are still young I want to have days out now and again. And it would be nice to have a husband who was on board with that too and even maybe planned a few bits.

He works, he cooks, he tends to the garden, he will look after dc if I want to do something, he's far from lazy. In many ways he's a very good man. But he's just got very 'un dynamic' when it comes to actually doing anything. Life is a cycle of work, chores, meals, bedtimes and we all need something to break up the monotony surely?

Whenever I address it he gets defensive, cites one of his many excuses and then gets sulky if i offer a different view. It just takes all the enjoyment out of things. Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary (I know we shouldn't compare but there we go).

Sometimes i think people can't win.
If your friend posted saying that she was fed up because her husband kept booking surprise days out when she didn't like surprises and wanted a chilled out day at home. Or that he always planned every minute of a holiday with a clear itinerary. He'd be called "controlling".

Randomuser9876 · 09/08/2023 14:28

My DH is exactly the same. We're both early 40s so not age related in our case. Most holidays and all social stuff / days out / holiday plans for kids are organised by me.

It drives me crazy as I mainly wfh and get so bored if I just hang out round the house for weekends and holidays.

I have tried talking to him about it a few times, he always blames money. We are really struggling for money at the mo due to paying off our house build which combined with cost of living stuff means we have very little spare cash despite both having decent jobs. However there are heaps of free / cheap things you can do, it just takes a bit more creativity. I think he's depressed which combined with being an introvert isn't a great combo.

I'd never leave him over this - I love him very much as he's a great dad and really supportive husband but I do get so bored and frustrated sometimes.

You do need to communicate about it though - maybe set him a target eg "We've got next Friday night free, you need to plan something"