Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

Might he be depressed OP? If he wasn't like it previously then it might be a possibility. The world has changed so much in the past few years that it can really get to a person.

Have some marriage counselling - it sounds like it could get better.

I don’t think his age has anything to do with it, it probably is his character, but it may be that once he’s more aware of it and the fact his marriage is at risk he’ll pull himself together.

If he doesn’t you probably have to call it, but give it a go.

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

I could have written this. I'm late 40s DH is mid 50s and he never suggests doing anything. I have to think it all up and make it all happen. He will come, but if I didn't organise it we would spend every day sitting in the house, not even doing anything in the house! We have two living rooms and he will go and sit in the other one rather than be with me or the children. I find it really upsetting and no amount of talking to him about it helps. I'll probably leave him when the youngest is older. I can't face this being my retirement life. I look at his parents and they are the same, just dull people who do nothing except sit in the house. He didn't used to be like this, but I can see he's basically turning into his parents and I refuse to let that be my life long term.
I'm sorry OP, it sucks but I don't think you can change him.

I’d say it was probably age gap as late 30s/late 40s is quite a big one in a lot of ways. I’m early 50s and I was very different 12-14 years ago. I used to go out a lot more, we had young DCs so had to, but even going out most Sat nights (getting a sitter), having nights out w friends in noisy bars, seeing couple friends etc.
Now we are early/mid 50s respectively we don’t go out as much - combo of health issues, losing some connections cos of covid, laziness, no ‘need’ to go
out etc.

I'd find this very hard. I am past 50 and go out a lot. DH, older, but he will come on weekends and be enthusiastic.

I am not saying LTB but I do think he needs to meet you halfway. Not every weekend but at least some weekends.

In my experience, people who tend to spend more time outdoors do seem to be calmer and happier people.
I'm sure people will come and tell me about all these outdoor types who are miserable but I don't think that's generally the case, and with good reason.
It's good for our mental health to spend regular time outdoors being active.

Exactly this. There's a middle ground between going to a different theme park every day of the week and sitting on the sofa, scrolling on your phone and the fact some people seem to think that's all that's open to families is really frustrating.

Who said anything about sitting on the sofa scrolling on a phone? OP says herself that her husband barely ever uses his phone.

@OriginalBliss

It's very revealing that several posters arguing the 'being a homebody is a good thing' POV have leapt to the conclusion that days out/time out of the house = Alton Towers and Legoland. What a depressingly reductive view of the world.

Exactly this. There's a middle ground between going to a different theme park every day of the week and sitting on the sofa, scrolling on your phone and the fact some people seem to think that's all that's open to families is really frustrating.

It doesn't require tons of money or free time. It's about using your brain, talking to your kids, getting them interested in the wider world and not just shrinking into yourself just because you're past the age of 40.

True but it's to compensate for the lack of outdoor time that kids have these days. Kids would play out a lot and didn't need parents to constantly take them out as they'd take themselves out and play outdoors with friends.

I never once played out with friends as a kid - there were no other children on my street so it just didn't happen.

This is a very modern way of raising children though.

True but it's to compensate for the lack of outdoor time that kids have these days. Kids would play out a lot and didn't need parents to constantly take them out as they'd take themselves out and play outdoors with friends.

I do it purely because I like to go out and just take the kids along with me. They basically go where I want to go, and are happy to go so.

Agreed, @Thepeopleversuswork. It's an appalling limitation of children's lives to restrict them to the home and to normalise a life that begins and ends between the four walls of your house. Money is not needed to give your children access to a bigger world -- what is needed is parents who are actively engaged with that world and interested in showing it to them. And sorry, that can't be done from the sofa. It's very revealing that several posters arguing the 'being a homebody is a good thing' POV have leapt to the conclusion that days out/time out of the house = Alton Towers and Legoland. What a depressingly reductive view of the world.

You don't sound very compatible...

I think your DP does sound quite similar to mine actually OP. What I’ve come to realise (based on my DD being assessed) is that he is likely to be autistic too- he agrees! He finds organising trips out really stressful & tends to get overstimulated quite easily. He needs a lot of downtime. Now I understand this more about him I resent it less. I think I’m more of an introvert too but I do like to have things to look forward to like you. I’m not sure what the answer is but I do make a lot of my own plans separate to him so I can get the social stimulation I need.

This sounds very similar to my husband. He was diagnosed with anxiety which is most apparent in social situations.

He spent years just not doing anything and almost causing rows before events so he had a get out.

Meanwhile my friend has a husband who will surprise her with random days out and book family holidays with a full itinerary

You see, that all sounds lovely in theory, but in reality that would drive me potty! I can’t stand things being sprung on me, and would want to be very much involved in planning any itinerary!

I wonder if what this is really about is that you would like to see some evidence from him that he actually wants to spend time with you and the children.

It just feel like a big rejection that his preferred default is to please himself and keep distant from you all.

Children don't need constant stimulation, no, and it's not so much about constant stream of days out. It's more that having one parent who basically refuses to participate in any family activities and outsources it all to the other one sends a really shit signal about family life.

But family life is about so much more than big days out. It sounds like OP's DH doesn't enjoy big days out but is happy to do plenty of family activities at home. That doesn't make him a shit parent who refuses to participate - it just means he prefers different things to OP.

My dad almost never participated in big days out - it just wasn't his cup of tea. But that didn't make him a shit parent - he did other things instead. He taught me how to ride a bike. He learnt how to rollerblade in his forties so that he could take me skating. He taught me how to bake bread and cook pasta sauce like his grandma taught him. He helped me make big piles of leaves in the garden so we could play in them, and set up my tent for me so we could "camp".

I probably have more memories of those things than I do the big days out, to be honest.

I was raised in the nineties and even then we didn't do a constant stream of days out. We'd maybe have one big "day out" per holiday - the zoo, a theme park, the beach, but that was the extent of it. Children don't needall this stimulation and entertainment.

Children don't need constant stimulation, no, and it's not so much about constant stream of days out. It's more that having one parent who basically refuses to participate in any family activities and outsources it all to the other one sends a really shit signal about family life.

It also basically tells the kids they're not interesting enough to spend time with, which again is a pretty shit signal.

It's a no from me. I can't imagine your life would be any worse on your own.

I had a boyfriend like this once. God he was dull. Tbh he was exactly as you describe your dh except half the time he wouldn't even walk the dogs!
I started to become dull myself so I had to bin him off. Now I look back on it I do t know how I stuck it so long. Life is way way too short!

And it's great when one of them is old enough to drive and they take themselves out for the day 🙂

DDs were raised in the 00s/10s and we didn't do a constant stream of days out either. They did do dance, gymnastics and athletics which sometimes took place at the weekend. Weekends were for catching up with housework while DDs entertain themselves. We did some days out in school holidays when we were at home and they went on days out with the childminder when we were both working.

I am a child of the 70s/80s and this is my recollection too. i read a lot, built dens in the garden, played games with my sister. I don’t think this did me any harm.

I guess you need to find out the root cause for him, be it age, genuine financial concerns or maybe just not fussed. Lay your cards on the table that this is something you need addressing or at least you need clarity on why you’re in this situation as otherwise in ten years time you’ll be sat there (with kids maybe leaving home or at least not as dependent) looking at one another wondering how you ended up as strangers with kids. You’ll resent him for stopping you living your life and he’ll probably say he’s resented a decade of nagging.

So, cards on the table, how do you fix, compromise or, possibly move on from this?
I’m early 30s but due to losing a parent relatively young I’m very much in the “life’s too short, live now” camp. As hard as this conversation is now for you, imagine how hard it is down the line when you feel like you’ve really missed your own shot, and the kids are grown. I’d rather be uncomfortable now and make changes for the better than keep the peace and feel I missed my chance.

I couldn't in all conscience submit my kids to a lifestyle like this. You don't have to spend tons of money but kids need to be stimulated and to do things outside the home.

This is a very modern way of raising children though.

I was raised in the nineties and even then we didn't do a constant stream of days out. We'd maybe have one big "day out" per holiday - the zoo, a theme park, the beach, but that was the extent of it. Children don't need all this stimulation and entertainment.