Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be considering leaving dh because he's so dull

114 replies

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:20

It's just draining. The school holidays are here again and yet again my dh drags his heels over any days out I suggest. The only reason we go away or do anything is because I sort it. It never occurs to him to plan anything that the dc might benefit from or enjoy, it's starting to make me seriously resent him. Since covid he has been boring in general if I'm honest. There is always a problem or a reason why we can't do anything - money or the youngest won't like it - being the favourite ones. He just drains me and makes life feel like such a drag.

I see friends whose partners book things and arrange things. My own dad used to be like this as well. I'm busy with all the other life admin, work, kids stuff and sometimes it would just be nice to have somebody else make a suggestion to do something enjoyable. All dh leaves the house for is to walk the dogs and go to work. He doesn't socialise either.

Realistically I know I can't leave him. We have young dc and a big mortgage. And overall we rub along well together but in all honesty if I'd known he would end up making me feel so down and bored I would have had very serious reservations about him in the beginning. As it was he used to be quite fun and often planned weekends away. Maybe married life and kids has made him boring.

Is anyone else's dh like this? I know people will say 'just do things alone or with friends' but surely families are supposed to make memories and have good times together. Why would he prefer to just be at home in his slippers?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Cicciabella · 02/04/2024 22:10

Jesus I'm glad I'm single these men soundboring as fuck!!

Hawkins0009 · 06/09/2023 22:23

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 13:28

I would say this is like him. He will do it and he does help once he's there. But he would never suggest anything or god forbid plan anything himself.

Show quote history

It could be others have been responsible and he just folows

Birdy8 · 06/09/2023 22:21

Is he depressed? You said he changed after Covid. Maybe some marriage counselling would help, definitely wouldn’t advise putting it on the back burner it could just get worse with time.

Stepmotheringthepatriarchysdream · 13/08/2023 11:28

Sounds like my DH tbh age gap included.
Im building up to a spontaneous trip to France soon sans him.
maybe just living our lives as we wish will be enough to give them a kick up the bum.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 13/08/2023 11:24

thismummydrinksgin · 09/08/2023 21:47

Yes, I could have written this post. But mine doesn't even want to go on same sort of holidays anymore. Feel like life will pass me by.

Please don't let life pass you by! I took dc on holiday on my own this year. We climbed mountains, toured ancient ruins, took part in water sports, learned phrases in foreign languages, tried amazing food, relaxed and had fun.
Dh stayed at home, worked and enjoyed pottering about in peace and quiet.

mainbrochus · 13/08/2023 11:01

I took my kids to ‘fun’ things like Legoland and whipsnade without my DH. We were both happy.

It is a tricky one if he STOPs you booking things that you find fun, that would be a deal breaker, otherwise you can find other families to do energetic fun stuff with.

personally it is quite useful having a partner that you know will be happy at home, don’t have to worry about double booking or both being out at the same time.

also stop using social media !!!!!!!!!

thismummydrinksgin · 09/08/2023 21:47

Yes, I could have written this post. But mine doesn't even want to go on same sort of holidays anymore. Feel like life will pass me by.

Kishe · 09/08/2023 20:40

You say that marriage and kids has made him boring but perhaps they have made him bored and this is reflecting in his lack of effort. If he had it in him once then it is in there. Was he desperate to have kids or did he just go along with it for you? It sounds like he isn’t keen on family life and certainly not one full of activities and days out.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 09/08/2023 20:32

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 19:25

Thanks all. Having calmed down and reflected a bit I think I'm perhaps being a bit harsh. I do find it very draining and deflating but I also think at this time of year im guilty of seeing other peoples perfect insta shots and feeling like we aren't doing enough.

Don't get me wrong, dh could definitely be more dynamic but it's not a deal breaker, for now at least.

Life if just tough at the moment. School holidays are full on and I'm juggling work too. We have no family help and I think sometimes we forget to make time for each other because we so bogged down by the daily grind. Then when I'm met with disinterest when I suggest things it just tips me over the edge I guess.

Will he do low key things like tea in a park or an evening walk? Sometimes those are enough to reconnect and bring some calm.

aintnothinbutagstring · 09/08/2023 20:23

I'm the main planner of holidays and days out in our house - DH could not really be relied upon to think up something unless it's a tried and tested thing we've done before. I don't think it is personality - I am the introvert and can be socially anxious, this probably makes me a bit picky about where we go but I do like being out and about. Thankfully my DH is generally on board and he enjoys driving whereas I don't - so it balances out that way - I'm the navigator, he'll get us to where we need to be.

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 19:25

Thanks all. Having calmed down and reflected a bit I think I'm perhaps being a bit harsh. I do find it very draining and deflating but I also think at this time of year im guilty of seeing other peoples perfect insta shots and feeling like we aren't doing enough.

Don't get me wrong, dh could definitely be more dynamic but it's not a deal breaker, for now at least.

Life if just tough at the moment. School holidays are full on and I'm juggling work too. We have no family help and I think sometimes we forget to make time for each other because we so bogged down by the daily grind. Then when I'm met with disinterest when I suggest things it just tips me over the edge I guess.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/08/2023 18:17

You're allowed to leave him for any reason you like op he doesn't have to be horrible and mortgages are sort out-able. I would make it clear you're unhappy to the extent of maybe leaving him now.
Days out are indeed so expensive but you can both channel lockdown picnics and woodland walks etc

Vettrianofan · 09/08/2023 18:13

Same age gap between DH and I as you OP and your DH but our situation is probably reversed. He probably thinks I am the boring one as I hardly go out. He is really sociable and likes going places. But we have a great sex life and are very good friends, love each other still after having four children together. It's getting better as time goes on. We learn to compromise and accept our differences.

Caroparo52 · 09/08/2023 17:53

I thi k just settle for the positives you have; secure home, income, health and DC.
That's a lot of plusses in some people's eyes.
Personally I found doing things, days out, holidays with other mums with same age kids the norm and very sucessful.
You have best of both worlds. Don't be green eyed over your friend's situation. You have plenty. Be content with that.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 17:45

soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 17:42

I wouldn't say he whinges. He just has no enthusiasm. He would never suggest it, even the free stuff. He will take the littlest out for a walk maybe and that's about it.

Show quote history

Does he suggest stuff that he would enjoy, even if it's home-based activities?

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2023 17:43

Can you do a dog related thing?

Original poster
soreheadedbear · 09/08/2023 17:42

mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 16:59

It seems more worrying that you have repeatedly told him your issue and he doesn’t make any changes.

what about free activities? Does he whinge about those ?

I wouldn't say he whinges. He just has no enthusiasm. He would never suggest it, even the free stuff. He will take the littlest out for a walk maybe and that's about it.

OP posts:
Harrypewter · 09/08/2023 17:30

floribunda18 · 09/08/2023 15:50

DDs were raised in the 00s/10s and we didn't do a constant stream of days out either. They did do dance, gymnastics and athletics which sometimes took place at the weekend. Weekends were for catching up with housework while DDs entertain themselves. We did some days out in school holidays when we were at home and they went on days out with the childminder when we were both working.

I agree. Earlier at work, we were conversing about how we used to spend our days as children. It was a routine of waking up, having breakfast, and then playing for the rest of the day. Our activities included all sports such as football, and swimming, but I was never fond of going out or the occasional zoo trip. Nowadays, children have a plethora of activities available to them.

My kids are the same, playing out with friends. We will have 6-7 holidays and monthly trips but the general week is quiet and relaxing. Couldn't be arsed with the fuss.

mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 16:59

It seems more worrying that you have repeatedly told him your issue and he doesn’t make any changes.

what about free activities? Does he whinge about those ?

Iheartmysmart · 09/08/2023 16:55

I’m just divorced from one of these men. If I didn’t plan and arrange things we’d end up doing nothing. Asking for suggestions on what to do just resulted in the infuriating phrase ‘I don’t mind, what do you want to do’! Drove me bloody bonkers.

I got to my early fifties and decided this was no way to live and told him I wanted to separate. I couldn’t face the thought of old age with him. DS was 17 at the time and obviously upset but he’s at Uni now having the time of his life. I go out for dinner, to the cinema and on holiday on my own. Life is so much better.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/08/2023 16:47

NewNovember · 09/08/2023 16:27

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

Show quote history

Oh do bog off.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/08/2023 16:42

And her children deserve two parents living together working in their marriage. Adults whims do not come before children's needs ever!

"Working on the marriage" = slogging it out in bitter, resentful misery.
Living with two people who hate one another does not make children happy. As posters on these boards tell us on a daily basis.
And I seriously doubt these children "need" someone who can't bestir himself to leave his home.

continentallentil · 09/08/2023 16:39

AgathaSpencerGregson · 09/08/2023 15:32

This seems quite an extreme position. Let’s remember that this vision of childhood - days out, activities, external stimulation all the time - is very much a phenomenon of the last 2 or 3 decades. There are things about it that are good but also downsides (time spent idly reading, playing, making up stuff without adult supervision is also developmentally important).

Show quote history

I grew up in the 70s and we had plenty of days out, after school activities and external stimulation as did many other middle class kids. Parents did it to build cultural capital then as they do now.

We also had plenty of time to idle at home and read and play make believe, as anyone would - you can’t be out all the time.

Making sure your kids have as wide an experience of the world as reasonably possible will benefit them hugely in later life. It builds confidence, experience and curiously and is a major reason why it’s easier for young middle class adults to get on in life compared to their less privileged peers.

Lentilweaver · 09/08/2023 16:36

It's not a choice between noisy theme parks/bars and sitting at home. There are so many things in between: museums, walks, libraries, picnics, heritage sites....

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 09/08/2023 16:31

I think the age thing is a bit of a red herring! I'm late 40s and DH is 5 years older and neither of us are like this at all
Just back from holidays and have both done lots of activities with our teen DCs and had a great time. Physically we are a bit creakier with the odd ache and pain but in attitude not at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread