Introverts are selfish

I'm an introvert and I love hanging out with my friends. I just find it tiring and need a bit of "time off" afterwards to recharge. So I see them once/twice a week. Between that and work it's more than enough.

I tend to be very quiet in large groups of people (whereas am foghorn in a much smaller setting), but I'm just listening and absorbing. I'm not shy in the slightest. I'll happily talk to anyone about anything, often get chatting to strangers when I'm out and about. Again, I just find social situations knackering.

I think being introverted and being shy/antisocial are very different.

You feel you’re depriving others of your sparkling company?

also, being introvert doesn’t mean not wanting to socialise in any way.

but I can’t help feeling selfish as if I just stay in and keep myself to myself it means I don’t attend any family/work/social gatherings.

How is that selfish? I stay away from family/work/social gatherings so the extroverts can enjoy them. They would enjoy them less if I were there, and I wouldn't enjoy them at all, so if I stay away everyone is happier.

And all the rubbish on this thread that introverts don't enjoy social situations. It's generalisation and nonsense.

I do think most people fundamentally misunderstand what 'introvert' and 'extrovert' actually mean. They're not the same as being social or anti-social (which can be associated with either) or being shy or outgoing.
I'm quite shy, but also I feed off other people's energies so will be more gregarious if I'm around those types of people, and a lot of people may probably describe me as outgoing. But I do better in smaller groups and can struggle in larger ones. Plus it does take me a while to 'recharge' after these experiences, which is an introvert trait.
I do think people use being 'introverted' as a synonym for 'can't be arsed' which is pretty selfish imo.

I have got bolder about being honest about not wanting to do things as I have got older. I used to make up lots of excuses as to why I couldn't go to social events etc as I was always anxious about upsetting people. But now, whilst I wouldn't say I don't care, I am far less bothered about feeling I have to conform to other people's expectations. In the past I would have made excuses abour prior engagements or childcare issues (which I am sure nobody believed half the time anyway) but now I am confident just to say "No thanks, not really my thing. Have a good time everyone" and I actually think it's better all round.

I agree that maybe selfish is not the right word. As an introvert I find myself spending a lot of time worrying about the effect my actions might have on others.
Much more than those self assured extroverts who seem to just expect everyone to enjoy what they enjoy.
You can't change who you are, you can only act considerately and ensure you're not upsetting anyone.

What? Give over. That's like saying extroverts are selfish in going out and socialising just because they want to go out and socialise. It seems so simple to me I've re-read the question twice incase I'm missing something. You like going out? Go out. You like staying in? Stay in.

Crazy generalisation. Lots of introverts go to family events even though they don't enjoy them, precisely because they are not selfish. And on the other end of the scale, not enjoying big gatherings doesn't make you selfish, does it? Say it's your sister's birthday and you just pop in to say hello instead of staying for the whole BBQ, but you get her a nice card and organise a way of celebrating just the two of you. That's not selfish. Using the fact that you are "introverted" to avoid all family responsibilities is selfish, but I don't know that many people like that.

Yes when I'm out and about I'm very chatty, outgoing, talk to strangers etc, but need to get home sharpish and shut the world out. I don't seek others company, they seek me out.
Definitely not shy!

I think people can use it for own gain in a way at times or they are also selfish with it just like anyone else.

I don't particularly feel the need to go to events or see people but I will because it means something to them. So although at an event after a while I'll be overwhelmed and ready to leave, I wouldn't say anything or moan about or ask when we can leave but in my head I'm waiting and I'll ride through it because everyone else is having a good time, I won't spoil that.

I'm also quite happy with the fact other people are having fun, I don't feel like I need to be talking all the time. I may be observing more than contributing but just being there and seeing others enjoyment is enough for me to feel happy there too.

I think those who openly say things about leaving are perhaps just selfish in general.

Depends. I have known people who cancel on others at short notice (because “they are introverts”) but who are then upset when others don’t put lots of effort into attending their stuff. Those people are self absorbed but not necessarily introverted.

I am fairly introverted. It just means that, when I’ve had a lot of people around, I need some time to myself afterwards. As far as I can tell, true extroverts (people who don’t need any time to recharge after a lot of social stuff) are quite rare.

No. There are myriad things we all bring to the world. Being outgoing and sociable is just one.

@Opti46

A few comments really resonated with me around both terms can be used to justify bad behaviour on both sides. This leads to mis-understandings and people thinking that ‘you’re just getting out of going somewhere/attending something’

I think to answer your question another way sometimes people do use being an introvert as an excuse not to do stuff they can't be arsed to do. But they could just as easily be using any other excuse (I'm skint, I'm tired, I'm double-booked). Being an introvert has become more socially acceptable these days so people are probably more likely to use it as an excuse than in the past.

But that doesn't mean that some people with introvert tendencies don't have valid reasons to not want to do big social things sometimes.

Indeed. A lot of extroverts who at first come across as "fun" are basically selfish people who bully others in doing stuff without considering their needs/limitations. You know the type,"come on you will enjoy it","don't be a party pooper". It's all about them and what they want to do.

There is one behaviour that introverts engage which I find mind-blowing in its selfishness- saying “When can we leave?” as you are on the way out to a social function.

A sentence designed to let others know that their nice time is a wound to the introvert. Never again! You can leave early, but not at my expense.

Otherwise, we only need to persuade people that having a conversation is not the same as “loud and obnoxious” and that being less introverted than thou is not a character failing.

Bang on. It's tiresome

Exactly! You can have introverts who are very sociable and enjoy being around other people (but need more time to 'regroup' and regain energy alone afterwards), and conversely quiet, reserved extroverts who love being out in social groups, but aren't loud. Introversion/extroversion is about where your energy comes from, not how much you like socialising.

A lot of people think introverts are all socially anxious, and that's just not true! What a lot of people deceive as introversion is a level of social anxiety and shyness, not introversion.

I say all this as an introvert with diagnosed social anxiety, incidentally! But my sister is a confident, loud, can-always-make-conversation type of person, yet when she hits her limit she needs alone time to recover - she's still an introvert!

In answer to the question, no, introverts aren't any more selfish than extroverts, it's all about balance and compromise.

It’s only selfish if it means all of your relationships are based around your needs rather than a compromise of meeting that persons needs in the middle sometimes.

Repeatedly missing good friends / family milestone birthdays or weddings etc because you’d rather stay home and watch tv to me is selfish.

Choosing to not go to a random works night out because it’s not your vibe - perfectly reasonable.

No of course not. Introverts are well within their rights to have limits to the amount of large gatherings they want to attend. It's insane to say yes to everything, even if you don't want to do it.

But as PPs have said some compromise is essential. You don't have to be the life and soul but every now and then you need to suck it up and show willing. Completely opting out of any social contact at all isn't going to improve your life.

You are only selfish if you want people to attend your things and birthdays and gatherings and so on, but you refuse to go to theirs. If that's not the case then no you're not selfish.

I don’t think it’s selfish at all. Also don’t think you skipping work events has any impact on anyone else, unless they were a client thing you were meant to attend or something - but it’s not selfish to skip the Xmas party!

I only think it would become potentially selfish if introverted traits could impact a child, i.e parents not wanting to take their kids to clubs/parties but the kid does and so they miss out. But most introverts I know will push through for the benefit of their children.

People think introverted means shy or quiet and it doesn't. I'm an introvert who had a public facing job for years. My workmates used to get confused (and sometimes quite unpleasant) when I didn't want to go to social events, saying things like "You can't be shy, you've just given a lecture to 500 people". But that was the whole point. I would be drained after giving a lecture to 500 people and as an introvert the way I needed to recharge my batteries was to go for a long bike ride or a walk. Or listen to some music or read a book. Alone. Going to a noisy pub with a lot of people - even if I like those people very much - would exhaust me totally. Yes, sometimes I have to force myself to attend social things that I hate, but when I have the choice, I don't go. Is that selfish? Maybe. But is it any different to the extroverts who get their energy from being with lots of people? They're doing what suits them, I'm doing what suits me. The only difference is that I don't actually mind what the extroverts in my life do. They can party all night if they want. As long as I don't have to be there, why would I care? I never go on at them about the joys of a long solo bike ride in the country, tell them they are missing out and need to do such things. Nor do I tell them there's something wrong with them or ask if they are mentally ill or in some kind of abusive relationship if they don't like being alone. But I have had all those things and more said to me when I have declined post work drinks.

I'm an introvert in a relationship of 14 years with an extrovert and in the past I've often 'pushed' myself to be more sociable etc because he wanted me to be there with him...but since entering perimenopause that's stopped. In the last week I've had to say to him 'stop trying to make me do something I don't want to'...he was trying to get me to socialize with people I don't know for my upcoming birthday.

That was a few days ago and I still feel guilty about enforcing my boundary. It's unfair because I would never 'force' him to stay in so why can't it be the other way around?