Introverts are selfish

After 15 years of struggling in different workplaces, I set up my own business. For an introvert, that sounds crazy, but I had confidence in my knowledge and abilities. I set it up to play to my strengths. Everyone says you need to network etc but I didn’t do any at all - kept away from networking groups etc., as that kind of thing wasn’t me and I wasn’t looking for extroverted clients. I set up my own websites (written in my own words as myself, not corporate speak) and built up contacts via online chat rooms, forums, etc., which are obviously more populated by introverts rather than extraverts. By doing that, most of my clients are quieter kinds in quieter trades, professions etc., so meetings are very rare. When I took on staff, I looked for quieter types and it worked well. I have no problems managing people, no problems with liaising with clients, etc. It’s worked well for 20 years! At the heart of it is to avoid the exhausting meetings with lots of people, avoiding “loud” people as far as possible, etc. It CAN be done. Being successful in business doesn’t have to mean embracing the loud/extraverted routes!

Ha yes. im actually at my best in the ‘brand new environment’, get a bit of adrenaline from it, feel socially really good.

Then next time I see everyone I’ve lost that adrenaline and energy, and lapse in to my natural introvert style. I often wonder where that initial boost comes from. It does me wonders in one-off networking situations.

This is me, I really struggle with small talk. I just cannot think of things to say once I’ve exhausted the usual things. I’m thinking about what to say constantly, however by the time something comes to me the moment has often passed. My memory is poor which doesn’t help, and I’ll often get back home and remember something I could have said - yes I also replay conversations and dwell on them later. If I’m meeting a friend I often write down a list of things to ask them beforehand, and read it just before we meet. I also struggle with hearing if there’s background noise or if people speak quietly which doesn’t help either.

How can being an introvert be selfish? It just means you recharge your energy by being alone... being with people drains it. It does not mean being shy, rude, stand-offish, antisocial etc and all the other crap that people think introversion is.
The social butterfly at a party that you see flitting between people and having a grand old time could be an introvert.

Agree with this.

What nonsense. Since when is one obliged to attend all these gatherings? Why is it always other people's desire to socialise in large, loud groups that's given priority? What do you owe them? What's wrong with the word NO?

How can being an introvert be selfish? It just means you recharge your energy by being alone... being with people drains it. It does not mean being shy, rude, stand-offish, antisocial etc and all the other crap that people think introversion is.
The social butterfly at a party that you see flitting between people and having a grand old time could be an introvert.

My daughter is an introvert. She does go out on occasion, but one evening in a pub and that's her done for the next six months!
I think instead of trying to get introverts out of their comfort zone extroverts could try getting out of theirs to make things more pleasant for introverts!

I’d rather someone stayed home than came out when not feeling up for company. Not exactly selfless to go a nice party/dinner and scowl at family and friends! Guess it depends if you can fake wanting to be wherever it is: seems a waste of time to me?

I'm just about the most introverted person I know. I'd never see anyone except my immediate family given the choice - and I'd be perfectly happy.

That said, I've got good social skills and I'm socially very confident. However, when I really need to retreat, I'm upfront about it. I'm MUCH better at asserting my boundaries as I get older.

My DD is a true extrovert. She is completely energised by other people. We can go somewhere together, and she bounces home, in her element, while I'm a polite husk, desperate for solitude

Yawn. You are not going to be able to tell the difference between an extrovert and a well-rested introvert who’s had enough recharging solo time in a social situation. One is as likely to ‘yammer’ as the other. Plenty of sociable, socially-confident introverts. I am one. Several other posters have said the same.

It’s lazy to equate introversion with quietness, shyness, unwillingness to socialise. Most of the time on Mn, when people throw around the term ‘introvert’, what they mean is someone who is shy, socially-anxious or simply doesn’t like socialising.

I think it would be really arrogant if I were to assume that people are so desperate for me to attend their gathering that it would be ‘selfish’ for me not to go. It’s not like I’d be somehow doing them some kind of favour by gracing them with my presence. I’m a reasonably entertaining guest, but I’d assume that the other invitees would be too, so it’s not like the evening would be less enjoyable without me. Therefore it’s not selfish if I decline a invitation.

Sometimes I go to things. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t sit there at home fretting about it and feeling guilty for not going.

Neither is selfish, you can't help what energises you (or doesnt). But if anyone is selfish it's extraverts because they force themselves upon introverts, whereas introverts mind their own business enabling extroverts to have a lovely happy time yammering to each other.

They absolutely are. As are extroverts. As are most people. Being selfish is a good thing.

@Opti46 You're massively overthinking this unless you have evidence that others have critiqued your absence from such events. Also you mention what others are thinking. How can we possibly know what others are thinking? We only know what people say or do.

I’m not shy but very much an introvert. Actually very confident. People don’t believe me when I say I’m an introvert as they associate it with being shy.

Me too. I’m always happy going into a new situation thinking how many potential friends will be there. Then they get a bit confused when l don’t want to go out partying!

We have been asked by one couple on holiday to share a close environment (boat) with them and a few other couples. My dh being a true extrovert can't wait.. he needs zero time on his own.

I am agonising over it, feeling like I'll have to be on my best behaviour 24/7, engaging and making a massive effort the whole time. It's as if I'm afraid of myself!! The truth is we are lucky to have been asked and I hate myself sometimes!

I'm confident, outgoing, can talk to anyone and I'm an introvert. I have lots of fun with my friends but I need a lot of down time after. I also have OCD and ADHD which makes my brain need the quiet more but that's not about introversion.

I do find I need to push myself to socialize and feel better for it. I still need my downtime, but I have fun. Being an introvert doesn't mean you don't like socializing. It just tires us out.

I do think it's sad when people don't try and make any effort or say they just need their partner as a friend. At some point they may be divorced/widowed and that is lonely. Humans are social creatures.

An introvert cannot help being an introvert . How can that be selfish? It’s not a choice we make.
I would much rather be extroverted like my mum was- it’s SO much easier to recharge from being sociable than having to re charge by being alone.

I relate to this so much.

I’m not shy but very much an introvert. Actually very confident. People don’t believe me when I say I’m an introvert as they associate it with being shy.

I’ve also masked it my whole life, and when I was younger wondered why some days I’d feel like a social butterfly and others couldn’t string a sentence together or follow a conversation.

My jobs have always been very social/collaborative and my tank is often completely empty at the end of the day. My personal life then pays the price as I can’t face catching up with friends or family after work, or even at weekends after a busy week.

Trips away are the worst without down time. I always have to share rooms and it ruins me, not even being able to dry my hair without someone chatting to me.

My extrovert friends/colleagues don’t get it. I’ve literally said “can we sit in silence please, I need to recharge” and 2 mins later they’re talking to me again.

I avoid spending time 1–1 with anyone other than immediate family / absolute best friends , as I’d rather there was a third person to help carry the conversation.

I don’t think it’s selfish to address your own needs. But if you want to maintain relationships you do have to realise you need to push yourself. Extroverts need to appreciate the same in reverse (but I’ve never met one who’s even been able to understand the concept of being an introvert, let alone compromise, but that’s for another day 🤣 and I’m sure there are lots reading this who are more thoughtful).

I think introverts should try to push themselves to be social as possible and that extroverts should push themselves to reflect and spend time alone so that they're comfortable in their own company. To be extremely extroverted or introverted without any desire to compromise isn't great for personal development. Obviously people are free to live their lives as they wish!

I just think that pushing your personal limits helps you stretch yourself. It tends to make you into a more well-rounded person.

I agree. It's depressing that people think introvert = socially incapable weirdo! I am more than capable of having friends, doing small talk etc. i just need some me time as I find socialising tired.

Introverts can be selfish but not all selfish people are introverts.

Introverts aren't hermits - they go out and even enjoy it! The difference is that you nreed time to decompress after and recharge with time alone.

The things I find hard are group holidays/events. Like hen parties. No Time do recharge.

YANBU.

I’m an introvert and in some ways I am quite selfish, particularly about how I spend my precious free time. I need my space, I need my downtime, I make sure I get it and if that occasionally means saying ‘no’ to someone or something, so be it. If that annoys or upsets someone, tough.