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AIBU?

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Original poster

Life insurance - stepchild.

84 replies

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 05:38

Hi
have my own DC and a Step DC.
they are loved equally in every way.
step DC mum lost custody of them when they were a baby via social services.
unfortunately The sudden passing of ex DP has been challenging for all involved and there is now a custody battle going on.
there is an inheritance including a house which the bulk was left to myself - who they also had left guardianship to.
long term we do not know what will happen with DSC.
regarding the money however their mother would like me to put it in a trust fund, she doesn’t want me to refuse my part because then it would be split equally between the others listed and wouldn’t help step DC out either apart from some would go to his part but not all.
however I’m now a single mum on universal credits as well as working and so this would potentially mean I would lose all help from universal credits ?
they are of course furious but I am not doing it out of spite. I will of course try anyway I can but I can’t survive without UC if I put the whole money in to a trust fund !
an I in the wrong and should I find another way to survive ?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 16:52

Thank you for all the advice - I will go forward with how I originally planned.
thank you.

OP posts:
Fuckingfuming1 · 09/08/2023 11:52

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:53

@Fuckingfuming1 long term o won’t need UC but there is no way right now for the next year at least upping my hours are not an option.
I worked full time until It was impossible for both of us to work full
time with the additional needs and lack of school.
but right now upping my hours with additional needs / grieving children / pregnant and a custody battle seems impossible. So I applied to get us through this.

That makes perfect sense.

I know it’s extremely difficult, but I would try and compartmentalise the two issues. The money is the money and you need to do what’s right for you and your children with regards to that.

And then the stepchild is entirely separate, it would be highly unusual in everything I’ve ever seen or read for a child to be relocated from the home, it’s known from a tiny age, unless you gave them up. Children need stability and the family court does at least support that.

Pebbledashery · 09/08/2023 11:47

OP - no practical advice, but feel for you and you sound like an amazing and caring person.
Has your solicitor advised you of your chances of retaining custody? Have you got step parental responsibility?

mainbrochus · 09/08/2023 11:41

Sorry for your loss OP - it sounds awful.

the fact that the birth mother is threatening you with no seeing your DSC again if she gets custody, despite you being his ‘mother’ and there all his life, is utterly chilling. This is not about her wanting her child back, but just about the money / punishing you.

you are being a fabulous person and she really really is the worst. Please stop being amenable to her. Keep the money, keep the dsc and BM and family can piss off.

LavenderfortheBees · 09/08/2023 11:27

This is such a hard situation OP. You are doing everything you can.

KnickerlessParsons · 09/08/2023 10:43

Caprisunny · 09/08/2023 06:04

I would just point out that your DSC will inherit a 1/3 from you when you pass like your child.

Will they? 🤔

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/08/2023 10:40

I know this might seem random, and apologies if you think it out of line @Organisedchaos2 but do make sure you have claimed bereavement support payment.

A lot of people don’t realise that the law has changed and you don’t have to have been married if you have children or are pregnant when your partner died.

It also doesn’t affect other benefits, like UC, for a certain time frame as well.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:55

@JudgeJ 1-2 times a month max in contact centre.
she used to pay here and there but not consistent but hasn’t since DP passed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:53

@Fuckingfuming1 long term o won’t need UC but there is no way right now for the next year at least upping my hours are not an option.
I worked full time until It was impossible for both of us to work full
time with the additional needs and lack of school.
but right now upping my hours with additional needs / grieving children / pregnant and a custody battle seems impossible. So I applied to get us through this.

OP posts:
Decemberstartsonsunday · 09/08/2023 09:52

Sorry for your loss OP and all the stree you are under. 🌺
How is the BM contacting you OP?

JudgeJ · 09/08/2023 09:51

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:11

@Ylvamoon DSC always lived with DP then both is us since he was a few months old due to abandonment and neglect.
as time went on contact centre was granted via court.
now she wants them to be removed to a family member whilst she can prove herself.

How much contact did she have with her child before there was money on the table? Had she paid child support for her child while the OP and her partner were doing the hard work?

Fuckingfuming1 · 09/08/2023 09:48

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 06:23

@Zonder the issue currently she is staying that if her assessment fails then she wants DSC to go to her sister and they have both come forward.

I don’t think they get to choose who the child goes to if it doesn’t go to her she gets no say.

It is highly highly unlikely that any judge will disrupt child without good reason, and move them to an auntie’s house.

I think you need to do what you need to do for you. Personally, I would find another way to survive other than universal credits only because they’re so flaky I’m told nobody wants to rely on them

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:43

@User37652 i have no idea about if it’s about the money or not to be honest. I think there is an underlining control thing to. It’s been like it for years just no court would ever budge. She tends to want DSC on and off basis. The sister is the perfect solution on her mind because she can still live her life with having access to DSC when she pleases . I am 100 percent sure she would never cope full time. However I don’t think it’s all about the money. I do think she loves them but she isn’t well enough and doesn’t have the capacity is what the main issue has always been.

OP posts:
User37652 · 09/08/2023 09:38

From the way you have explained it, it sounds like your DSc’s mum wasn’t interested in raising the child until she found out there was a lump sum of money involved. If you make it very clear that it is your inheritance and the money stays with you, you may find that she has no interest in going after custody after all. In which case, you keep the child and the money and do what you need with it.
If you make it clear she will not be getting the money and she still wants custody then maybe it’s because she has changed and wants access to her child, in which case some of the money in a trust fund for when the child turns 18/21 is probably a good idea.
You need to speak to a solicitor to find the best solution.

Soontobe60 · 09/08/2023 09:38

Can I ask - did your DP have a workplace pension? If so, have you checked if there is also any money payable on this? Either to yourself or his DC?

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 09:28

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow yes he does I’m in the process but needed to wait for a court letter first I’m switching it accounts ( was previously in DP)
its been a process but slowly and surely it’s all coming together I’m that way.
I now have PR and we didn’t claim UC before so have sorted that out to.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/08/2023 09:23

I am so sorry for your loss, but you sound like a gem.
Not to do with the inheritance but something that struck me, Dsc has additional needs? Do they receive dla (or pip)? along with cb that would be a considerable amount to be paid to anyone else that gets custody.

TakenRoot · 09/08/2023 09:10

So, so sorry OP about the death of your DP.

This is AIBU, not ‘Legal’ and most posts miss the fact that a Will and a payout by a life insurance Co are actually different things, and that an insurance payment is not the same as an inheritance.

The insurance payment will be clear about the terms.

Was the house in both your names? Owned as ‘joint tenants’ or ‘tenants in common’?

I am assuming you were not married as you use ‘DP’ rather than. DH?

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 09/08/2023 09:08

The house that's been left to you, is there any mortgage on it? If not, could you use some of the money to pay off the remaining mortgage?

You may need to just accept forfeiting UC and use the 60k to live off.

Do make it clear to DSC mother that the money is yours and even if her sister gets custody, the money won't be coming her way, it will still remain in your possession for you to live off.

Please OP (and I'm sure you're going to anyway), get proper legal advice. This is too risky to not cover your back

Good luck.

AxolotlEars · 09/08/2023 09:02

Sorry for your loss.
Money left to you is yours. If there was a will then they could try and contest but it rarely succeeds. You can do what you like with the money. What do you suppose mum and sister will do about custody when you say no? If you would like to leave money to your step daughter when you die, reflecting what you inherited from your partner, that would be a kind thing to do.

Original poster
Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 08:44

@GoodChat haha that’s ok ! It was super early in the morning.
it’s very strange this is the first time I think I have openly spoken about it.
honestly this time 6 months ago I lived such a normal life that from the outside it almost seemed perfect.
good DP, beautiful children a house both has jobs so although not financially flash we were okay.
now I’m sat with the kids in bed, not knowing what is going to happen.
i have not even had time to cry let alone or profess anything.
it’s non stop organising something, sorting some paper work or a meeting with X Y and Z.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/08/2023 08:40

Organisedchaos2 · 09/08/2023 07:41

@GoodChat im not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic on not ( sorry I’m tired ) I am sure there is some part of me that of course wants them to stay and I would miss them very much. However the reason I am fighting it is because This has always been their home and all they know.

Sorry, no, it was meant to be supportive of you but I can see how it was written poorly!

I meant that the other adults seem to be looking out for themselves but with no consideration for you being left to care for 3 children, one of whom isn't yours but you've raised as your own for all this time, yet all they're shouting about is money and custody they've been proven not to deserve

JobMatch3000 · 09/08/2023 08:37

I would also ask MN to move your post to the Legal section. There are some very helpful posters on there.

JobMatch3000 · 09/08/2023 08:36

As I understand, Birth Mum is pissed off that £60k has been left to you and not DSC? Tough. It's yours.

Yes, your UC will stop but you will have this money for your life expenses instead, including covering your maternity leave etc.

You do not have to put anything "in Trust" for DSC or your DD. You can just open a regular child's savings account or ISA in their name.

Even if BM or the Aunt get custody, you do not need to hand over DSC's share. Just send them annual bank statements showing the money is held in DSC's name and say you will pass the money directly to DSC when they are 18.