DD22 feels invisible

There are way more places to meet people than OLD or Bars. I dated men that I met in

• co-ed sports
• Classes (while in school)
• grocery store (yes it’s a rom com trope)
• through friends
• that worked in the same building as me
• that I met in clubs (not the bar kind)
• yes bars (the drinking kind)
• and finally my DH that I met at a parade

If you can access the USA version of Love Island they have a young man cast who sounds like her. He has never had a relationship and is just so awkward, (and really out of his league on Love Island) but it seems instructive in a way, too, when you compare his behavior with the other men. It's nervous talking, lack of confidence, doesn't banter, just fades in the background, but when he does talk to a woman he has no sense of self, wanting to move to where the woman lives - any woman, doesn't care who or where - meaning he has no opinions or preferences of his own. He just wants to fold into some dominant woman's life who will tell him who he is.

So, she should develop her sense of self.

she needs a self esteem boost and maybe she has some anxiety too. Check out the welfare website for her uni, they may offer free counselling, workshops, peer mentoring etc. which could really help.

The met my husband online as a teen on bebo!

that’s a very dated stereotype of online daters they aren’t all weirdos

not everyone is confident enough to walk up to a stranger in a bar and not everyone appreciates that approach
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I met my husband online as a teen on bebo!

that’s a very dated stereotype of online daters they aren’t all weirdos

not everyone is confident enough to walk up to a stranger in a bar and not everyone appreciates that approach

You both seem very fixated on relationships - she’s only 22 - she’s just a late bloomer

I would focus on building her confidence and finding stuff to enjoy in life - via new interests

This.
Forget trying to "fix" any issues in your or her mind about not having a boyfriend and focus on getting out and enjoying life. Mix with other people whilst doing something she is enjoying doing.

she insists the only time a man has spoken to her was to say something mean

What happens when she speaks to a boy? She can't be waiting silently to be spoken to, surely? Not all the time??

I would suggest she targets one or two of the smaller, geekier clubs, if she is that way inclined! Less social pressure, easier to keep turning up to. Encourage her to find her tribe rather than a boyfriend.

If she has the time then paid work can be a good way to practice "acquaintanceship" skills.

I think there are a lot of young people who feel in a similar boat, but as a parent it is hard to know what to say to help them feel better.

Yeah this sounds like confidence more than anything else from your descriptions. Ok, she’s shy I take it. Not the worst thing to be. I like the suggestions of of finding a few clubs to join. But she has to do a little more than join, she has to actively participate. Is there something that she excited about that she can use to break out a little from her shell?

Going to give a weird example. There is a a very big crossover between knitting, gaming, and geekdom (for lack of a better term) think Marvel/comics/anime. So getting in the right knitting circle might open doors to the more gender neutral other interests.

And yes OLD is a terrible idea. UNI friends are the way to test the waters.

😘🌻

Thank you! You have put it better than I ever could have.

Suggesting OLD to a shy 22 year old who lacks confidence is a dreadful idea. It's a sharkpit of users, chancers, men who want free sex so they don't have to pay prostitutes, liars, fraudsters and twats. There is absolutely no need to advertise yourself online like a used sofa, She is a young person who can meet others in person and learn to get to know them and interact, the way human beings are supposed to.

I’ll definitely encourage that, but the issue is she plans to try different clubs every year and gets very excited, but then gets so nervous about going and potentially embarrassing herself that she doesn’t end up doing any at all.

So she needs to be more realistic and choose say three that she can imagine being able to turn up to. May be something geeky so that she doesn't feel she'll be surrounded by ultra socially able people.

Also the classic lesson of most people truly won't be focussed on her or even notice if she (thinks she) is embarrassing.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway would be great for her to read over the summer. It may seem a little dated in the language/examples to her, but it is a solid plan for how to get out there and create a life.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1785042653/ref=tmmpappswatch0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

The next book Feel the Fear and Beyond is great too.

When I was her age I used to go on loads of bumble dates (although I think Hinge is the go to app now!) Had a few boyfriends and eventually married one! I, like your daughter, had pretty solitary, crafty hobbies and was really shy. Going on bumble dates, even just a coffee for half an hour, helped me build my confidence and feel more comfortable!

I’ve also never had a bad date and almost all of my friends (late 20s) met their partners on a dating app.

I was thinking the same thing. Fix herself for who exactly? The male gaze? Yuck.

@allthepretyyhorses I was horribly socially awkward as a teen, it didn’t help that I’m probably neurodivergent and definitely didn’t help that I had a beautiful, funny, outgoing younger sibling that I was immensely jealous of. But when I went to uni I decided to have a fresh start, push myself in social situations, just pretended I had confidence until I actually did (probably masking skills to be honest but it worked). She needs to be happy with herself before she can be happy with anyone else, her self worth as she is, it’s enough. Once she realises this then she will realise that it’s not about her finding someone, the person she’s with is damn lucky to have her.

Troll or asshole?

OLD can be crazy! She’s better off joining some clubs or new hobbies. Walking groups maybe?

You both seem very fixated on relationships - she’s only 22 - she’s just a late bloomer

I would focus on building her confidence and finding stuff to enjoy in life - via new interests and maybe some CBT to help her with unhelpful thinking. And OLD when she is feeling more positive about herself.

What a horrible comment, "fix her appearance".

Grim.

She needs to learn and allow herself to have fun with her peer group. September at uni is the perfect time. Encourage her over summer to choose 6-10 clubs to have a try over a few weeks. There are usually fresher/welcoming events/tasters. Then select a few to pursue based on enjoyment and chemistry with the people there. Seeking fun and friendship! Plenty of time for relationships later!

OLD can be brutal even for seasoned eaters. I wouldn't suggest it until she has developed some more confidence and interests.