DD22 feels invisible

Absolutely the wrong order of focus is

1. Boyfriend

First priority is building self-esteem, building a social circle with people and activities she enjoys and that make her feel good.

The beauty of university is there are so many different activities to try.

Boyfriend/male interest can wait. Please don't put that pressure on her.

Going to give a weird example. There is a a very big crossover between knitting, gaming, and geekdom (for lack of a better term) think Marvel/comics/anime. So getting in the right knitting circle might open doors to the more gender neutral other interests.

This is such a lovely, thoughtful answer @saltinesandcoffeecups - I don't know quite why but the whole idea of a geeky romantic ecosystem has made me really happy!

She sounds like she’s in victim mode or she expects everything to come to her. I think she probably needs counselling to work on her self-esteem and social skills. My DD1 was diagnosed with what would have once been called Asperger’s Syndrome when she was nearly 17. It was rough, but she needed help with her social skills and the anxiety it caused. She had a lot of counselling and nobody discusses her diagnosis. She’s now 19 and has totally blossomed. (She’s not always easy at home when she removes the mask, but is doing really well socially and that’s a huge start!)

@illiterato I hear what you are saying and I’m not saying her DD has to give up her course, only that the OP could explore with her whether she feels under pressure to complete her course which might be adding to her anxiety.

Sometimes in hearing we have permission NOT to do something, we realise we are choosing to do it and can then see the light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like her DD has been quite passive in the past and this could be another opener to explore where her true interests lie, leading on to exploring those and thereby meeting similar minded people…

Sorry but I feel like this is terrible advice. She’s sunk 2/3 years into this and has only 9 months to go. May as well finish it and get the degree. Yes, some people do become successful despite dropping out but graduates still out earn non-graduates on average and the famous successes usually dropped out to do something specific and entrepreneurial rather than because they just didn’t like Uni.

Realising a course of action isn’t for you is pretty common in life but it’s usually worth just getting through it if it’s time limited and there’s a tangible reward/ benefit at the end.

it sounds as though it’s the social side she’s struggling with- possibly just didn’t find her tribe which was probably partly a result of starting during covid or just circumstance.

Sounds like she could be autistic, and has learnt to mask fairly well when out with friends. I would encourage her to seek support from the counsellors at university and to do some volunteering at uni as it's a good way to make friends with less social pressure.

I started my first and only proper relationship and became sexually active when I was 22, and I've known people who were mid or late 20s when it happened for them.

Yes, you do feel a bit of a freak and wonder wtf is wrong with you when you're the only one amongst your friends who hasn't had sex/a relationship. But having heard some horror stories from my mates, I think there's something to be said for being a bit older and wiser when you hit the dating scene tbh.

She just sounds shy. The problem is, people jump to autism now when being autistic covers so much more than being or feeling socially awkward . You can have a personality that isn't loud and outgoing without being autistic. At her young age I would encourage friendships through uni groups. She needs to work on her self esteem and that isn't going to come through a man but instead, on focusing on what she enjoys. The dating can come after that if it's what she wants. There's too much focus to jump into a relationship to feel good or better about yourself in my opinion.

I was like her at 22. Met dh at 26, got married at 27 and have just celebrated our 9th anniversary and have 3 kids. At some point you have to put yourself out there. In general I'd be really shy around men because I'm a quiet sort, smiley but happy solo. I met dh by chance and he just kept on talking. I found myself responding really easily and we just clicked.

She will find her way, tell her to keep at it with the diet and exercise to mange her weight and keep putting herself out there and enjoying life. I'd work on her self confidence first and foremost. Things will click for her.

Did you actually read OP’s reply?

I was just thinking I wonder if she's autistic and was wondering whether to post that but thought I'd be told off!

Something that stands out for me in your post OP is that she is not particularly loving university. Does she feel under pressure to complete her degree? It may be hard if all her peers love the course and she doesn’t. That would make it harder to find likeminded people for friendships or relationships. Would she be better to consider whether she even wants to go back and maybe stop, find a job and find her feet for a while? Could you have her at home again esp if another sibling is moving out?

It sounds like she feels like a fish out of water and maybe what she really needs from you is permission to stop what she is doing if she feels like she is on the wrong path. Can you tell her that it’s ok if she doesn’t want to go back to uni and that you’ll support her to change track and discover what she really likes and wants to do in life? That would be a great gift to her.

Many successful people dropped out of their uni courses and went on to find their true calling - and true love - but she has plenty of time for that…

Oh your poor daughter, it’s a horrible feeling being second fiddle.
Id probably say she needs to develop some confidence in herself before she starts dating or she may end up accepting bad treatment from someone just for the sake of having a BF.
Maybe if she started to take herself on some solo dates for coffee or for a meal so she becomes comfortable in her own skin perhaps? I’m sure she’ll find her footing with things, it all feels so urgent when you’re in the moment but she’s still young and has her whole life ahead of her to have boyfriends etc.

Meh, I know quite a few geeky and socially awkward people that met through OLD and even married! It's not all terrible. Even if OP's DD didn't have the courage to go on an actual date - it could still be a way for her to practice some small talk online.

I'm not saying therapy isn't the way to go though. Hobbies will definitely help as per my original post.

Totally agree @HangerLaneGyratorySystem and @RattleRattle

The issue here is about her inability to just chat, hang out with, and be friends with people whether they are boys or girls.

Also this. Use the university resources while she can still access them. Mentoring can be great.

So... she hates photos, and 'gets so nervous about going and potentially embarrassing herself that she doesn’t end up doing any at all'.

I think she needs therapy to get to the root of that, and confidence building, not dating. Has she ever had a job? A café type job could really help her build the skills she needs. She's going to have to apply for real jobs soon! Her mum telling her 'it will happen' is unhelpful, she is not a princess in a castle.

I was going to say - first comment full on misogynist shit; if you could sum up how utterly low AIBU has sunk in one sentence this would be it. But then look, OP, the girls mother, comes straight back in agreement - yes I know I should fix her comment. Maybe that's why DD is unsure of herself? Christ.

Wow some people are being a bit harsh here!!

It sounds like a cliche or a white lie told to make people feel better but confidence really does make such a difference in terms of being approached, being given positive attention on nights out etc (not that that is the be all and end all of life, but it can feel like it at that age!). I really doubt that she is objectively the least attractive and least interesting of her friends. Combined with being naturally shy/introverted, if she took a while to grow into her looks during teenhood/young adulthood then it's probably left her with a bit of a hangover regarding how she feels about herself.

I'll go against a few posters and say that dating apps COULD be worth a try as long as she doesn't let herself get too bogged down in it. If she isn't confident, it could be a more controlled way for her to present herself and build a bit of a rapport with someone (and just plain prove that she can talk to men) before going into a real-life meeting. Hinge is the one where she's most likely to find someone decent. No doubt that the apps can be savage though, so I'd encourage her to tale to you about it (or to a close friend or sibling) to make sure she isn't bottling up any negative emotions that arise (conversations starting then petering out etc, which happens to EVERYONE using dating apps).

Aside from that I'd remind her (in a non patronising way) that she is SO young - she may feel like she has fallen irredeemably behind but she has lived only a tiny proportion of her adult life and there will be loads of people in the same boat as she is, even if they aren't in her immediate circle. Imo there is great pressure to have the social time of your life at uni but lots of people are not their best selves there, I certainly know that I was happier overall once I was out of that environment and only continued to get happier throughout my 20s.