AIBU- inlaw problems

@JennyForeigner "Most of the information given by the OP, apparently."

Nope. All I get is "I don't want to." Which is fine, of course. But not actually reasonable.

So, your other child lives with you and does one night at their dad's e.g. Saturday night.

I don't know. I definitely wouldn't be keen on being away from my 6 month old Sat/Sun once a month, but if your other child could sometimes do Fri and Sat at their dad's and your MiL is really ill I'd make an effort to go.

Most of the information given by the OP, apparently.

I think that's way too much car travel for a young baby. Maybe MIL can come every second month by train or plane, or whatever is more comfortable for her. Maybe you can help with the cost. Based on my own experience though, if baby travels anything like mine at that age, DH would only want to do it the once.

Why can't the baby's father take her to visit his mother? What am I missing?

Your dh obviously couldn't do this in one day so it's the whole weekend. It's not on to do that too often. Could ye go less but stay a bit longer so plan a long weekend. I hope your older child is very welcome there too. Driving 8 hours once a month is not on ..for baby, for dh or for the price of petrol etc. Do whatever suits you both.
I am a gm and l don't lay down rules when l must see my gc . I am happy to see her when it works for her family.

I meant wouldn't!

I would want a 6 month old in a car for that long too regularly

Your MIL is being very unreasonable. This is not ‘her’ child. You say her illness, though chronic, is not terminal.

You currently visit 3-4 times per year and if I read correctly she reciprocates by visiting you sometimes too. I think you just need to point that out to her - if she can visit 4 times, and you do likewise, that averages about every 6 weeks. ( Which would have been more than enough time for me with my MIL)

What does your husband think?

Mean? A baby isn't something to be shared out between anyone who wants them!

I'm confused by your child visitation arrangements. Is this really what's stopping you visiting so often or is a more a case of you've got better things to do. If you're 4 hours apart I think you just have to accept that you won't see each other so much. Once a month would be nice though. I'm not really sure why you feel your kid can't be without you for the day. Its not like hes at grannies on his own. He's with his dad! Surely your husband takes him out on his own sometimes. It will likely be a bit of a tedious day for him but that's part and parcel of bring a family. Could your husband visit her one month then the next she comes to you? It seems a bit unfair that your OH puts himself out for your son yet you won't go along with a reasonable request for him to prioritise his family. Have you out and out said you don't want this? How did your OH react.

A four-hour trip each way, every month, is a lot for anyone to do alone with a baby I think.

Absolutely no way I'd allow this!

My baby screams for me when I'm driving the car for one hour, let alone without me for a weekend away, and she is 9 months old!

No way would I allow a separation from me. No way.

@TheSilentSister

"I'm with you OP, baby or young child alone in the back of the car for a long journey, totally not fair. safe or reasonable. Even if you both went, it's still not fair on the child."

Absolutely this! A four hour journey equates to eight hours round trip, which over two days is a lot for a baby to have to be strapped in a car seat on their own. Factor in feeding and changing stops and having to deal with episodes of crying (with no one beside the baby to offer comfort) while driving all sounds like a nightmare to me. Not to mention the regular disruption to any routine that you have managed to establish for sleeping etc. No thanks!

If an adult was there sitting next to him then yes but not him on his own at the back.

I'm with you OP, baby or young child alone in the back of the car for a long journey, totally not fair. safe or reasonable. Even if you both went, it's still not fair on the child. I was in a similar position - 5/6hr car journey to see ExDH's parents, involving an overnight stay, both working. Did it a few times and it was very stressful (DC has ASD) so I put my foot down and said no, not happening anymore.

Once a month , 4 hours away overnight with his dad, I'd probably jump at the chance for a little break.

3/4 times a year when it's only 4 hours away sounds a bit mean.

My DD is 14 months and I'm still not ready to be apart from her overnight. No idea when I will be. My MIL expected me to do similar to you - have DH travel with DD to stay with them over 3 hours away. I said no when DD was 6 months old and I still say no. They think I'm some crazy unhinged mother even though MIL and my DM only spent nights apart from DC when they were giving birth to more DC (!!) or the DC were old enough for cub camps / school trips. Stick to your guns, and do what's right for you and your LO. F everyone else.

I'm with you on this one OP. I totally get that your MIL wants to see her grandchild as often as she can but I do think it is a bit unreasonable of her to suggest such a regular visit given the age of your baby and the length of the car journey. I don't know what her chronic illness is but wonder if these visits could possibly be alternated with her coming to you for one stay then a few weeks later, you going to her. After a week working, the last thing I'd be wanting to do on my weekend off is a long car journey, alone with a baby. If you work too, then the weekend is also your quality time with your baby and family. Once a month seems a bit excessive to me.

apologies for typos - seeming & you're
Cat 'helping' me type 🙄

At the risk of seemjng harsh, yes this. There's no way i'd have wanted my baby to be so far away so regularly. Three or four visits a year isn't much granted, but when you have to factor in work commitments, other children etc sometimes that's just life.
I wonder if she would've been happy for her baby to be away from her so often when she was a mum? Your this baby's mum & your feelings matter, don't let her & your dh ride roughshod over you

you say they live the other side of the uk, how many hours from you is that?

I wouldn’t want a baby away from me that frequently either. Does your partner want to visit them every month?

How does your DH feel?

I think it's not unreasonable of her to suggest it as a possibility, and it's also not unreasonable of you to feel you'd rather say no.

Personally, I wouldn't have felt happy with it either, and 3-4 visits a year wouldn't strike me as unacceptable - it does depend on family expectations (and how much you each do/value virtual contact).

Agree it might be a good idea not to commit to a fixed schedule but play it by ear.

YANBU MIL can move closer if she’s that bothered