Psychopath

My mother was a registered nurse and told me she would if she saw my baby had just died from Sids she wouldn’t resuscitate them because of the child then having a brain injury.

Ooooh I have questions. It reads like you enjoy the power that being non-empathetic gives you, is that right? It’s the laughing about people you’ve hurt that really stands out. Do you know why you do that?

I'm so sorry.

Interesting thread. I've never thought about myself as a psychopath but I did the Hare test and scored 32 (there's a few different variations but this was out of 40).
I have zero empathy, I can look at a friend or family member crying and feel nothing but comfort them out of a need to "do the right thing" rather than because I want to. At funerals I'm always the one to read the poem/words out as I don't cry. I feel nothing at all.
I'm married but cheat on my husband constantly because I can. The men I cheat with, I am charming and say the right things until they fall for me. Then I laugh to myself about how I've screwed them up and it's a game. I love my kids and would fiercely protect them with my life so I can't identify with the poster who would let a baby die.
I lie compulsively to everyone I know and put a facade on so they think/assume I care and am interested in them. I'm not. I'm usually thinking how can I gain from them in any way.
I steal money from my clients and am not fazed, I'm more bothered about being found out than the actual act.
I'm a despicable individual...but I don't care.
Writing this down has been cathartic.

I kind of enjoy it because it can be exciting. But then i get bored so easily

Will it get me what I want? Then I’ll do it. The only thing preventing me doing underhand things is if there’s a high risk of getting caught. I don’t want the inconvenience of that. I don’t make a habit of lying about big things but I see myself as lying daily when I ask questions about people and they think I care about the answers. I wonder if everyone feels like that

No. Means to an end. I expect others to do the same to me to do I’m always on my guard

No. I hate lying-in fact a lot of what passes for kindness I find underhand, confusing and stressful. So I wouldn’t double cross someone on purpose! In fact the personality type I come off worse against is manipulative/victim, or people who are just very politically strategic. I’m blunt and open, which is fine when everything is above board and we’re all on the same team-my colleagues value this and will push back when I’m going in the wrong direction. But I’m easily played by people with other angendas and I’ve only just learned how to avoid that! I imagine a psychopath wouldn’t have this problem.

Ok interesting. Thanks!

No, because I would then be in the wrong.

Success to me is only earned or valid by achieving that through my own effort and without any detriment to others. If I was to do that, I would be cheating and therefore the success wouldn't be true success.

@JibbaJab @Arabels
I think both of your descriptions of necessary and unavoidable hurt make sense.
Would you use people or situations that might hurt them to gain an advantage or succeed?

Lol, see that way of thinking makes sense to me but I dunno if I'm the same or it's that logical side.

I'm the same in that respect, although I don't think myself as more intelligent or better and I will interact with anyone. More of a case of I am insignificant as are you and everyone else in this world. Everyone is equal in that sense whether they are intelligent or not, their age, social status, culture or background.

I'll be friendly and help anyone should they need it. If they take advantage of my kindness multiple times, I'll remove them from my life. Should someone not like me, I may ponder why as I'm not nasty or a bad person but so be it, not worth knowing.

Exactly. I like being perceived as friendly but ultimately this is because I am an extrovert and I enjoy being with people. Should they not like me then my view is that they’re missing out. I’m very selective with friends though; if you’re not as intelligent as me (not simply from an academic perspective) then I’m really not interested. I get very bored very quickly. My husband is far cleverer than I am (he would funnily enough say the same about me) and I find him infinitely interesting and engaging. Not many other people compare I’m afraid.

@thelinkisdead As in, you like being liked but should someone not like you or think you are not as good as you are, then that's their opinion but ultimately it means nothing in the grand scheme of things?

Do I feel bitter or angry if others don’t recognise my superiority?
My sense of self-worth just isn’t in any way connected to what others think. I literally do not care even one tiny bit what other people think of me (although I do like to be liked; it’s just that my self worth isn’t rooted in this if that makes sense). I don’t really enjoy holding the floor or being centre of attention though because I care so little about what others think that I find it difficult to believe they care about what I’ve got to say all that much

Yeah, when there's a need and it's right or necessary. Sometimes things need to happen and people get hurt in the process.

If someone is wrong, they are wrong. If someone is right, they are right. I won't defend someone who is in the wrong but I'll defend someone who is right, regardless of the social impact to myself.

Would I intentionally hurt someone because I feel like it or feel off, no. If someone hurts me, I may but it would have to be something massive as I don't seem to have a fuse.

not really. i've never been in that position.
except for medical things, where i seem to understand more of what it means than the patient, and then i would not say what i am thinking.
if it hasn't occurred to them, then why would i cause that hurt or worry or distress in their mind.
it's bad enough to be suffering illness physically.
why add mental anguish to it.
as for the boundaries, yes, but i would end the sentence shorter: no my child cannot come for a playdate at yours.

Surely you’ve delivered bad news before? I didn’t mean hurting them for sport. Just sometimes it has to happen.

I mean if I need to sack someone, I feel no embarrassment or anxiety whatsoever. Or if I need to set a boundary, eg no we’re not going to come for a play date because your child hits mine. Lots of mumsnet seems to struggle with this!

@Arabels Hmm, I'm wondering whether I have become hardened over the years and my marriage wasn't good, was abusive and I really struggled. I know I've always felt this way in general but when I was younger although I didn't show anything or interact I was extremely anxious and shy. Back then I would cry a lot, over people, situations and new places. Almost like I have ran out of tears.

I can empathise with people I just don't have a connection to most. I'll help anyone and I'm friendly to everyone I meet and most seem to like me and say I am an 'old soul'. I'm assuming that's good. I often worry about how I speak, how I may offend people by my tone or what I have said while at the same time there's no connection.

But yes most things I see logically, I don't really understand drama or the need for it around conflict. I will avoid conflict or confrontation it makes me feel uneasy, it's also unnecessary. Problem solving I don't get frustrated I will spend days on end finding a solution to make something that's broken work or at least tried everything I can before giving up.

Like one of my children I seem to have an affinity to music, I can memorize music and replay, hear or focus on parts others don't hear, same as them. Music has been forefront in my life same as it seems in them too.

I also have this weird thing that kind of fits in with looking at photograps and bringing myself into that time of the picture where I maybe have a photographic memory. If I recall something I can see it as if I am there, I can draw layouts of buildings and scenic places I have been when I was a child. I used to do this as a child, visit somewhere and when I got home, sketch what I saw in detail and create a scenic picture.

Hard to say I'm trying to get referred but long waiting times. Maybe I am just messed up from bad periods and it's conflicting my view.

how can you not feel guilty about hurting someone intentionally.
i'd feel bad if i did that by mistake, agreed; but i'd feel even worse much more guilty if i did it intentionally.
where is conscience.

Yes to an extent @JibbaJab but there’s a lot that’s very different too. Things that come intuitively for most people aren’t intuitive to me but I’ve developed theories and workarounds that help me access normal social behaviour. For example small talk: it’s a way to acknowledge one another’s humanity and that’s important. It’s a signifier, it’s not really about the content, and hopefully it’s a precursor to a more interesting conversation. So I can do small talk now I’ve figured out an approach .
I’m not super logical though. There are some kinds of information and stimuli I can’t tune out, whereas if I had control of my field of focus I would ignore them. They massively affect my capabilities day to day. I think in a full-system way and I think that’s why I was hyperlexic (v common in ASD women)-language is inherently spatial to me and I get a real thrill out of arranging it to express something. I also get a kick out of understanding literature but I’ve heard that’s also v common in ASD people as books are about people, but legible versions of them! My numerical reasoning isn’t brilliant though, and my executive function is crap.

Also I experience empathy very strongly. I have no problem upsetting or hurting people if it’s fair, necessary, intentional, but I’m horrified if I hurt people by mistake and that comes with a big dollop of shame around probably having misread a situation, been impulsive, or not thought about how they might feel beforehand.

I feel like there’s very little separation between me and the people I’m close to and I’m very exposed to them emotionally. At the same time, I can be insecure in relationships because unless someone’s actively expressing how they feel about me I don’t really trust my intuition. That might be a therapy problem though!

I was running some highly armoured coping mechanisms around all of this, a bit of an ‘I don’t care and fuck you’ attitude, but it was exhausting and lonely so I’m working on admitting my vulnerabilities and living a softer life.

@Arabels That's interesting also. Would you say as you know you are Autistic that you can relate to what I have said? I've never spoken to someone who has a diagnosis I only know of my children who are too young but I have a feeling I am. Just find it confusing, life in general to be honest.

However, what you said about being loved that's kind of what I feel but towards a partner. I want to know them for who they are and for them to know me, the real me. Everyone else doesn't know the real me I can't show it.

It’s interesting that you both cite a high sense of self-worth as being related to not caring what others think of you. I’d say mine is anchored in feeling loved and valued. I was high achieving academically but it wasn’t until I matured emotionally that I felt good about myself (am Autistic so that took a while.

Do you ever feel bitter or angry when others don’t recognise your superiority? Or do you feel entitled to success, and angry with people who hold you back?

(If I was talking to normal people I’d put some softeners in there like ‘genuinely curious’ or ‘sorry to be blunt’ but I’ll assume the former is obvious to you and as for the latter, I’m not 🙂 I mask that usually)

It’s not hyper-intelligence. I am aware that I am missing things which means that I will never be able to fit in. It can be quite isolating if you dwell on it, so I tend to focus on the benefits and how I can achieve my best.
I certainly have shortcomings but I tend to ignore or bypass them. I wouldn’t want to be different and I genuinely think that I am “superior” because I am not held back by problems that other people face, which is why I succeed in work. As mentioned before it has a negative impact on my personal life and relationships though.