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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think BIL is being a CF?

36 replies

Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 21:56

I'm aware as I'm typing this that this is a very minor issue in the grand scheme of things. It may be tiredness talking but I'm just really frustrated with BIL

DD(5) used to stay at MILs house quite regularly to give us a bit of a break when she was little as I have health issues, but this stopped about 2 years ago. She has been begging to stay again ever since but it never worked out. Now DD is in school there isn't really a practical time that she can stay with MIL during term time, but MIL promised months ago that DD could stay one night in mid August as she has a week off of work. So DD has been really excited for weeks about this. I've also been looking forward to it in all honesty as I've recently lost a family member very suddenly and I'm exhausted so could really use the rest.

Today we went to MILs for dinner and she said that BIL(23) has said that he doesn't want DD to stay as he stays up playing video games and on call to his friends all night (usually shouting and swearing) and he will likely wake her as she would be in the next room. I can't help but be annoyed by this as surely the logical answer is don't stay up all night shouting? It's not as if DD is going to be staying again any time soon and surely he could go one night? Neither me or DH can ask BIL about this as he actively refuses to be in the same room as us due to a falling out he had with SIL around 8 months ago.

MIL has said she is happy to have DD for the day, but she will have to bring back DD at bedtime. Am I being unreasonable or is BILs excuse as pathetic as I think it is.

OP posts:
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MaMaMeeAah · 06/08/2023 10:58

Ask your MIL or Bil to break the news to your child
They both sound weak
Your poor child though

SequentialAnalyst · 06/08/2023 10:48

Your poor MIL Sad

Original poster
Bumblerina · 06/08/2023 09:59

In all honesty I think DD stopped staying as she got to around 3 because she was becoming a bit of an handful for MIL. She never quite said that but there was the odd comment "maybe when you're a bit bigger". She is local to us but admittedly she has a very busy week with long working hours, and one day at the weekend helps with childcare of DN as SILs ExH left her with a newborn and she works full-time. So we don't want to add the additional pressure of DD staying when she hardly gets a break as is.

I think my frustration comes from the promising that DD could stay for months only to change her mind last minute because it inconveniences BIL. Admittedly when DD last stayed we were on talking terms with BIL, who still stayed up all night playing games and shouting but had the decency to atleast try and keep it down while she was there. He clearly has no intention now.

It wouldn't make any difference for DD to stay in MILs room as BILs room is in the middle of MILs and the spare room. He doesn't care that he keeps MIL up at night. DH is going to talk to MIL today about staying at ours instead.

Also, when I said Im exhausted and I need a break, DH does just as much with DD as I do. But he works long hours and I'm drained from trying to minimise my grieving at the moment. But even if that wasn't the case, I was looking forward to being able to have a little bit of space knowing that I wouldn't be woken to my child suddenly singing at the volume of a foghorn at 6 am.

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 06/08/2023 07:31

Sounds like your mil has domestic abuse issues in her own home.
The poor woman can’t even divorce the him.
The best you could do is explain to her how it would be in her son’s best interest to become independent sooner rather than later and go through the process of evicting him.

Hibiscrubbed · 06/08/2023 07:24

Your BIL is a pathetic failure of a man, isn’t he?

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 06/08/2023 07:10

I said YABU because I wouldn't want DC going there as things stand. Your MIL allows this in her home so ultimately it's down to her, although your BIL is a dick. If it's really about time spent together you need to find an option away from her home, either at yours or a night away.

ParisP · 06/08/2023 06:29

Can she have a bed on the floor in her grannies room

JMSA · 06/08/2023 02:31

Sorry, it's just that your daughter used to stay there regularly, so I assume distance isn't an issue.

JMSA · 06/08/2023 02:29

I don't understand why your daughter can't stay there on the occasional weekend.

QueenBitch666 · 06/08/2023 01:59

I wouldn't want my child in the same house as him. He sounds absolutely vile

Testina · 06/08/2023 00:38

Although I don’t like arsehole BIL getting his own way, I’d mitigate the child’s disappointment by getting her to host the sleepover, with grandmother coming to yours. Might give your husband time after bedtime to tell his mum that her other son is an abusive prick.

Testina · 06/08/2023 00:36

Your BIL is an arsehole and your MIL is pathetic.

I don’t understand why your daughter hasn’t stayed there in 2 years though? If everyone liked it so much? Sounds like she’s local. What was wrong with a weekend night? Or if MIL works weekends, a midweek with MIL taking her to school on her day off. It doesn’t sound like you were that bothered about her going.

Why are you so exhausted and needing a break from her when she has a father?

This whole thing is odd.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 06/08/2023 00:11

I would cancel it all and tell MIL you don’t want to impose as she already has a baby to look after. Then I would just focus on another relationship with DD, possibly another grand parent. You can’t stop mil from babying her idiot son, but you can walk away from the situation.

NoSquirrels · 06/08/2023 00:10

Your 5-year-old DD comes second to both her grandmother’s son and her dog.

It’s a proper shame for your DD, but there it is. Your MIL can’t/won’t prioritise her GD.

DandelionLeaves · 06/08/2023 00:05

I would feel sorry for your MIL, but she presumably had a hand in how BIL turned out and could certainly stand up to him with your husband to back her up. I'd tell her plainly that DD deserves better.

RhymesWithTangerine · 05/08/2023 23:56

YANBU. The fault is with MIL

She should never have let DD get so excited as to be disappointed. But ultimately, you/DH will need to be clear with her that she is compromising her relationship with all of you by indulging BIL.

Why isn’t your DH more pissed off?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/08/2023 23:48

I feel really sorry for MiL. BiL sounds like a waste of space but DH's only advice is that she should stand up to him. If you can't offer her any practical help then you don't really have the right to dictate what happens in her home.

Perhaps she could babysit at your home and stay over (bring the dog?)
Could DD sleep in with MiL and be further from the shouting/swearing - less than ideal being in the same house as BiL but I imagine he won't be up very early in the morning.

AngelAurora · 05/08/2023 23:39

Yes your BIL is pathetic and about time he grew up.

Ellie1015 · 05/08/2023 23:31

It is disappointing for dd and bil is very unreasonable.

Mil has let dd down but it sounds like she is having a hard time and has to choose her battles with him. I would be encouraging her to set boundaries to make her own life better and get bil living elsewhere not for a sleepover. I am sure she is upset to let dd down.

notahappybunny7 · 05/08/2023 23:22

Why would you even want your child under the same roof as him?

andweallsingalong · 05/08/2023 23:11

If DB is such an emotionally abusive arse would you really want DD at hers without you there? Witnessing DV is so damaging for kids. If he's locked in his room when you're there you have no idea what he is usually like.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2023 23:04

You won't win, she's browbeaten down by her son who's going to make her life harder if she conceeds, and will ruin your daughters sleep over to make a point.

Can you suggest Nan has her at hers? If you see her frequently tho i assume she lives close so why are other weekends out? Or any other day in the holiday around work?

Original poster
Bumblerina · 05/08/2023 23:04

FrangipaniBlue · 05/08/2023 22:47

Why is your DH telling your MIL what to do and not? He needs to speak to his brother!

If that was one of my BILs treating my PIL like that DH would be having very stern words with HIM and telling him to sort himself out .....

He's tried in the past, but there isn't much he can do anymore when BIL refuses to be in the same room as us and will lock himself in his bedroom for the entire time when we visit. He doesn't tell MIL what to do, but does encourage her to stand up for herself when she describes how BIL is blatantly walking all over her.

And as for if she would stay at ours to look after DD, it might be a possibility but I know she is reluctant to leave BIL with the dog. I'll speak to DH about it though as it could solve the issue

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 05/08/2023 22:47

Why is your DH telling your MIL what to do and not? He needs to speak to his brother!

If that was one of my BILs treating my PIL like that DH would be having very stern words with HIM and telling him to sort himself out .....

andweallsingalong · 05/08/2023 22:43

TeaKitten · 05/08/2023 22:30

Any chance she’d babysit DD at your house one night and you and DH have a night out and stay in a hotel? That way you get your break, MIL gets a break from BIL and DD gets her night with MIL.

This or could they go away for a weekend break? Really not okay to promise, then let her down.

I'd be looking for imaginative ways to make it work.

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