What makes visitors CFs?

I think the most CF thing you can do is stay for an undefined length of time, or really any length of time over about 3 days. The only overnight visitors we got really were DH's parents, and it's the 3 day rule they fell foul of - they emigrated, and when they come back they always want to spend a long while here so it's 10 days with us, 10 days with DH's brother, then a few days at various relatives... I would find it super stressful but appreciate that they don't necessarily have the money for hotels for a month. The last time they came was 2y ago nearly, and my FIL is now 82, I don't know if he is still up for the 2 days drive, so I think the next time it will be us visiting them, so we can just rent a flat and the kids can go to bed shockingly late and get up shockingly late and not have a proper breakfast and all that stuff in peace, and my inlaws can have their breakfast of weirdly overripe fruit, with coffee cups that have saucers and an extra plate that is for nothing else but sitting under the bowl, with paper napkins that you're not actually supposed to use because they get put out again for the next meal...

Three of them turning up instead of the one that was invited.

Without so much as a bottle of wine between them.

Then they wonder why you want to go low contact.

Sadly I thought of another example. .. my initial basic dinner repertoire used to revolve around meat and 3 vege, stir fries, bog standard curries with the left over roasts,spag bol and a love of chinese food. We also BBQ'd.

A friend of DH's dislikes my cooking because it's just like his mum used to make although I don't boil the shite out of meat or vege! If I do a corned piece it will be served with mash, steamed vege and white/cheese sauce depending on vege. He doesn't like it, the DH loves it!

So DH and I have been together for nearly 29 years and I still prepare new recipes for us to cook and try. I still feel inspired but when this guy turns up, any inspiration is long gone.

The last time this fellow stayed, we sat 16 people down for a last minute get together which involved soup, breads, cheeses and charcuterie pieces for folk to help themselves. Being too far from the nearest takeaway, the bottom lip was noticably dropped and very little was eaten. He told his wife he just wanted to leave...

Me too.

My sister in-law is very noisy so I'd never have her to stay. I've caught her thumbing through our desk diary before and in our ensuite opening the drawers and showing her husband my huge amount of beauty products and commenting on them.
The thought of the poking around she'd do if she stayed over is too much for me!

My fall back dinner for guests is a home cooked roast. As we moved away from ''home'' several years ago, visits from long term friends are infrequent but important as long as I know they are coming.

Anyhow one couple have always enjoyed my roasts as it wasn't something cooked in their home. Days prior to the visit I received a message to say ''they'' no longer ate meat. Ok I thought, I will do a BBQ salmon, rice, salad etc.

As one partner approached the house, that person said ... I've been really looking forward to one of your roasts since I knew we were coming. I looked to the message sender slightly confused and said but I was told you no longer eat meat... there was lots of stammering etc from the message sender and that person replied oh I thought you would still cook it but I would be happy with roast vegetables...

I was made/felt terrible. The visit wasn't the same and several times the obivous meat eater kept saying how the roast meal was sorely missed despite the BBq salmon etc cooked nicely.

Goodness, I'm so glad I've nowhere to be invited to and no one to invite. Im reading this thread and worrying about all the times I've visited it hosted and will have got it wrong. I'm autistic and wasn't aware of some of these rules. If I was invited round for coffee I wouldn't have taken biscuits or cakes for example. I'd worry the host would think I'm rude and doubting their ability to provide them with the coffee. I'd be offended if someone brought cage or biscuits to my house if I'd invited.m them. I bake a lot but even if not I'd provide a selection of biscuits or cake. I'm also vegetarian so I'd worry they'd bring something I can't eat and that would be awkward. It's just easier not to socialise!
I've never stripped a bed. If I found a guest had stripped the bed I'd be worried about what they were trying to hide on the bedding.
I stayed at a boyfriend's dad and step-mum's once and was told to help myself in regards to the bathroom. I was 16 So I used some Avon hair conditioner or shampoo or similar. My boyfriend went nuts and said I shouldn't have done that even if they'd said I could. I was totally baffled. He refused to tell them I was vegetarian and told me I had to eat the meat they served me. His sister in law was allergic to beef but ate it there even though it made her vomit. People are crazy and he was a controlling piece of shit I now realise.

Most of you need assertiveness training. If someone behaves badly in my house I tell them to stop. If they plan on overstaying their welcome I tell them to leave.

I’m American.
A friend and her husband built a new 3800 square foot home and had it decorated by an “it” decorator.
She insisted on giving us the grand tour, which was very nice - except that her house looked everything like the decorator and nothing like them.
I don’t think it’s regional - I think it’s people with “new money,” and that happens all over the States.

Indeed. Surely the family member us I charge if there isn't family's gift?

I really could not cope with the mil bit. I don't think I could let her in the house.

Me too.

Friend stayed for two weeks with her baby of about 12 months old, brought nothing, contributed nothing - not even a loaf of bread, then later told me our home wasn’t as good as it should be for our income. She’s wealthy so she could have gone to a hotel.

During her stay she left baby vomit on the guest room floor for three days, changed a poo-nappy directly onto the lounge carpet and got poo on it as well as herself and then made no move to clean it up, fed baby in high chair and let him fling food which she also made no effort to clean up, ever, made herself food and just left a trail of mess all over the kitchen. The list goes on and on so she will never be welcome to stay again.

We have a family member who stays regularly, usually only 1 night.
They live only 20 mins away yet can't give a heads up on time of arrival.
Sits on the hot chair 🙈
Holds the remote and watches what they like.
Leaves things everywhere they go around the house.
Leaves the bed in a ball of wrinkles.
Forgets to go home the next day.
Cracks me up as we never get an invite to her house 🤣🤣

I actually really enjoy hosting, but have a very 'mi casa, su casa' approach.

In my mind, you're a guest for about an hour and then you're expected to muck in / get your own drinks etc, especially if you're staying for a few days. I can't abide people who basically sit on their arses for however long and expect you to act like staff.

Obviously, as a host, I'm not expecting people to, I dunno, unblock the drains or anything, but it rarely hurts to at least offer to help tidy up after dinner / run a cloth round the side of the bath after you've had a shower.

The other thing that I refuse to do is collect people from the airport / train station unless they have travelled a very long distance: you're an adult, get a taxi like normal people.

I have a very old and dear friend of about 25 years standing whom I genuinely love having to stay, but he 'forgets' this rule of mine every time, and seems genuinely confused about why no, I will not be making the 1.5 hour round trip to pick you up when you could just jump in a cab... you've flown from London, not Auckland.

A friend I hadn’t seen for ages invited herself round for the evening. Cancelled because she was having a tree felled and had to clear up the wood. Whatever, she cancels a lot and I’ve learned to not waste dosh on snacks and stuff. Rearranged for the next day. Except my DS saw her out and about that night with some scabby date. She was very surprised when I cancelled the next day. Haven’t told her I know yet… so she wasn’t a guest I know, but was meant to be 😆

I love hosting so much.
bugbears are...
empty handed guests - I always put in a lot of effort and a little appreciation goes a long way.

leaving their shoes on, especially bugs me with one friend that hollers 'shoes off please' as soon she opens her door.

using my stuff without asking - left a house guest getting ready whilst I was at the gym and she said she loved my hair serum - didn't feel comfortable with her rooting around my bedroom.

I agree, I don't want guests to do either. But have learned that at PILs I need to help/offer (despite dh doing neither for many years!).

My BIL and SIL have done this every year for years as we host them every Christmas. DH and I prepare and pay for the entire meal, and when we serve it up on the table they never, ever start dishing it out, as if they're waiting for us to do that as well. Despite having said "please help yourselves" several times, I literally have to hand them a dish of something, look them in the eye and say "do you think you could serve these to everyone?". Drives me insane.

American btw and it’s completely dependant on the host. The host will give a tour if they choose to before sitting down or just take you to wherever they want you to be, pointing out rooms as they go. It would be weird to ask for a tour.

Saying that, it can depend on the region of the States, but ime of visiting people in different parts of the States (haven’t been to the western side though), I’ve never heard anyone ask for a house tour.

It doesn't go down well in Europe , I think it might be an American custom .
Wasn't there a scene like that in Emily in Paris?
She was invited to lunch and expressed how much she was looking forward to seeing the rest of the house , her hosts were horrified

@phoenixrosehere exactly. I would never ask for a tour of someone's home! If someone had recently moved in and wanted to show it off, then I guess offering to show people round would be pretty standard, but to go into a new friends house (new friend, not new house) and ask after dinner if they can have a nosey round is plain rude. I can't imagine how anyone would think it wasn't.

Why would you ask to tour someone’s home?

Most people will either give you a tour or take you to where in the home they are comfortable with you being. Unless you’re spending the night there, there is little reason to give someone a full house tour.

This did make me laugh