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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being random

37 replies

Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 15:38

Am I being unreasonable here but I find really annoying my husband habits of when I expect him to be in the house (having young kids in the house) to stay in the house/back garden/front garden and if he needs to visit a neighbour or talk to a neighbour to let me know so I know that I need to keep eye on everyone on my own and there is no adult downstairs for example. He says he is a social animal and needs to socialize,i am like fine but let me know,dont just randomly disappear for 30 mins, an hour or 2 hours, its inconsiderate. He was just away for an hour across the road talking to a neighbour,before he went out he told me that he is going to grab something from the car and come back, as I was nursing baby I wanted to nod off for a bit but remembered, I dont know where he is and could not even find him on home security cameras so no nodding off with the little one. When he got back he told me i should have just come outside and looked up the street- uh yes sure I am going to leave kids on their own to look for him,not.

AIBU or not AIBU?

OP posts:
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Hawkins009 · 05/08/2023 22:28

SisyphusDad · 05/08/2023 16:45

'I'm a social animal and need to socialise.'

Well he's also a parent and needs to parent!

Very true,

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/08/2023 22:26

TheGreenSketch · 05/08/2023 16:19

A social animal. I bet your neighbours think he’s an absolute pain.

😂

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 20:53

Print off some A5 leaflets with an unflattering photo of your husband and the words 'HAVE YOU SEEN DEREK, MY HUSBAND?' or whatever his name is.
'IF FOUND, PLEASE RETUEN TO NUMBER 23, THANK YOU.'

When he pops out again, post them
through your neighbours letterboxes.

Embarrass him.

Allelbowsandtoes · 05/08/2023 20:07

TheGreenSketch · 05/08/2023 16:19

A social animal. I bet your neighbours think he’s an absolute pain.

Right! 🤣
Im imagining them trying to slowly close the door in his face while he stands on the doorstep chattering on for an hour.

Gymnopedie · 05/08/2023 20:05

He says he is a social animal and needs to socialize

Translation: I don't want to have to look after my own children. That's what I have Leeanne922 for.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 05/08/2023 19:26

He was just away for an hour across the road talking to a neighbour,before he went out he told me that he is going to grab something from the car and come back

So you did know he was out the front?

I think if he’s in the front or back garden then it’s ok because we’ve all been there when the neighbour catches us and chats for ages.

I would not be happy with him going into neighbours homes without letting me know.

But I know what you mean when it feels like you wouldn’t be able to do the same and I’d definitely ask that he just lets you know if he’s going out the front it back, like he did today so if you need it you know where he is.

whatausername · 05/08/2023 19:01

He sounds like he's bored at home/with family tbh.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 05/08/2023 18:40

TheGreenSketch · 05/08/2023 16:19

A social animal. I bet your neighbours think he’s an absolute pain.

Exactly! A 5-10 minute chat with a neighbour? Fair enough.

Collaring them for an hour and talking their ears off? PITA neighbour to hide from! Unless they’re best mates?!

Also, yes, with young children he shouldn’t be randomly going on the missing list for chunks of time with no prior agreement. How come he gets to avoid parenting while you don’t?

Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 18:35

*check if i had my phone, ring him to make sure he knows 100% I am not in the house and then let him know when i return too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 18:33

In his defense saying I never directly asked him to keep eye on kids,it is one of these days where we are both busy doing tasks around the house,I was upstairs I thought he was going to return to be downstairs after being to the car. I sat down to nurse and suddenly he was gone and couldn't spot him anywhere for an hour.

Hence why he didn't get the point why I was so annoyed when he got back but I thought if I was planning to stay out for more than a few mins I would check if I had my phone or pop quickly back and give a shout hey I will be talking to *** I will be back soon. To me it makes sense this is what I would do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 18:29

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:44

I think it’s odd to have security cameras inside your home.

Show quote history

Very normal where I come from (originally not UK) none in private rooms like bathroom of course or bedrooms,switched on when everyone is out of the house.

Even my 85yr old grandma has them so she can check whos on the door, ask them to leave the parcel by the door if she is busy or if she wants to check what the dog is up to in the kitchen without getting up to check.

In our case we had some work done at our home,left the keys with trusted people who had to pass the keys to builder during the working hours, they turned up ona day when they were not supposed,the neighbour who had keys told them we agreed to it and we were away on holiday an saw them removing items from our home-recorded on video. Woop.

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AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2023 18:19

People suggesting you’re being controlling are full of shit. He’s got responsibilities as a parent and shouldn’t behave as if he’s a single man.

You guys need to be a team and have open communication. Him just fucking off without his phone is controlling in itself - it locks you at home, locks you into caring for the kids without him, limits and controls you.

Not ok.

caringcarer · 05/08/2023 18:14

QuintessentiallyScottish · 05/08/2023 16:06

His wants come before yours and your children's needs.

This. Of course he should have said he was just going somewhere so you knew.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 05/08/2023 18:04

Can't see what he's done wrong to be honest.

heartofglass23 · 05/08/2023 17:59

This is one of the weirdest things I've ever read on mn!

Caroparo52 · 05/08/2023 17:51

Second the collar idea🙂

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:44

Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 17:30

Why odd, I was looking for my husband and couldn't find him in the house or in the back of front garden or the shed? Whats difference between checking security cameras vs going physically out myself and disturbing my baby who was breastfeeding?

Show quote history

I think it’s odd to have security cameras inside your home.

Dombasle · 05/08/2023 17:43

www.newsweek.com/amplify/halo-collar-new-smart-solution-stop-your-dog-running-away

Would he wear a collar?

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:38

it's a match made in heaven...a very responsible woman (usually is the woman in my opinion but I'm generalising here) and a much less responsible man

Jeffjefftyjeff · 05/08/2023 17:37

Are you able to just pop out whenever you fancy without saying anything to anyone? Presume not. Say this to him and get him to explain why this is the case.

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:36

I am wondering if you are in general taking on too much responsibility for your kids , which leaves him free to do as he pleases if u know what I mean.
I made that mistake myself

JustaChristian · 05/08/2023 17:34

He has got not a job?

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:34

He says he is a social animal and needs to socialize,

Uh uh, there's a time and place for this and its not when young kids need watching

lovenotwar149 · 05/08/2023 17:32

You are NOT being unreasonable at all in my opinion. I would feel exactly the same. I can remember similar such situations i.e. just disappearing etc although mine were not in relation our kids as he wouldn't have left them alone at all due to their safety. If he had 'disappeared' when minding one of our kids...OMG! OMG! That would have been one hell of a juicy row I'm telling u!!

Original poster
Leeanne922 · 05/08/2023 17:30

Neverseenbefore · 05/08/2023 17:27

I think it’s fine to pop over and chat to neighbours etc. And if one of you is at home, I don’t see what the problem is Unless to you yourself had gone out and thought the DC were with him -that would be bad. I might expect him to say where he was going, how long for, though. I think you checking the security cameras is very, very odd, though.

Why odd, I was looking for my husband and couldn't find him in the house or in the back of front garden or the shed? Whats difference between checking security cameras vs going physically out myself and disturbing my baby who was breastfeeding?

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