Heart broken

Be patient. My cousin who is older than i am disappeared from her family's life for a while, from 18 to 21 ish, she idealised her birth mum and her half sister and was so excited to join up the dots that the disconnection only became apparent when her curiosity had been met. By 23, she was kind of done with her biological mother, and that was her decision. Feel a bit sorry for the biological mum, but that is how it plays out I think

It’s fine for you to think whatever you want. Just don’t voice it to your child. I’m very careful with what I say about my besties BM. Especially when she was in the thick of it living with her and letting her down constantly. Even though I was the same age and could see she was a wrongun I kept it to myself and supported her.
Now we’re much older I’m more vocal in my opinions but I still wouldn’t outright slate her

@Deedeedoe my apologies for upsetting you when you are so upset already. My point about judgement (we ALL make them) is that as the pp above says, if you make those feelings known to your child they will be more conflicted and could make the situation worse.

It’s devastating for you but surely even worse for the DC trying to navigate this car crash. Do you have any professional help? It might be really helpful.

My bestie was adopted. She went to her birth mother at 16. The BM was and still is a complete train wreck.
It’s taken until late 30’s for her to see it for herself. Despite being let down time and time again. Adopted children want to know their family for themselves and it can take years sometimes never for them to see the truth. All you can do is be there. Don’t speak negatively about their birth family, that will only push them further to them and they will resent you. Hopefully they will come back to you in time

It must be incredibly difficult for you, I understand your heartbreak. I was adopted at 9mo and have never had the slightest interest in tracing my birth mother. It feels odd even describing her as a mother to be honest. But I was adopted with 3 of my siblings (birth mother had at least 8 children) so have a connection with biological family members that way I suppose. None of us have tried to trace any other family members.

FWIW although I have always loved my parents very much, I didn't truly understand and appreciate what they had done for us until I had DC of my own. In late teens and early twenties I was disinterested in tracing bio family, but probably would have responded if they tried to contact me first. Now in my early 30s with DC of my own, and an understanding of the sacrifices it takes to raise children, I wouldn't respond to contact from them. I think your DC will come to appreciate and understand more as they mature.

My sister and I were adopted as children. I'm a year older and was responsible for younger siblings, remembered the abuse, the fear etc. She didn't.
As a teen she went off the rails and ended up seeing and staying with bio mother. She didn't believe me when I'd told her my memories, she didn't believe the reports from ss or our adoptive mothers diary kept as evidence (bio parents fought against adoption). She wanted to see for herself.
But she is so damaged and so damaging, most bio and adopted family or nc with her. I don't know what went wrong, I think mainly she wanted to test my adopted parents love for her, see how much control she had over them, how far they'd go to appease her.
I never felt the need to have contact with bio family, though I do have limited contact with some now.
What I will say is that having contact with my bio family has had good points - getting some answers to questions I'd carried with me for years. It had bad points - disappointment, reliving trauma etc. But it never diminished my love for my parents, the people that raised me, cared for me, supported me. If anything it made me appreciate them more, made me so grateful I'd escaped the world my younger siblings grew up in.
SS may be able to offer you and dd support, I know my sister got a social worker and my parents got counselling.

It must be very hard for you emotionally, but you have to respect the wishes of your dc. They are obviously naturally intrigued by their birth family, & as hard as it might be you have to try not to judge the mother’s decisions you have no idea about her life at that time. Don’t underestimate what you have given them, they will have a clear understanding of what is normal and what is dysfunctional & if what they see makes them uncomfortable they will be back. All you can do is give them time.

Is there anyone here who was an adopted child themselves and can give insights into the experience and the need to find their roots?

Please post this on the adoption board, only people who have lived experiences and who have given their hearts to children via adoption will understand and be able to advise and truly understand.
I can feel your pain and the heartbreak in your post, so sorry this was the outcome for you OP

How old are they?

I think it is quite likely they are searching for a fantasy version of their birth mother. Probably something they have thought about while growing up.

At some point they'll get a reality check along with more maturity in their own reasoning and thinking.

Just be there for them when they realise they do really need you.

Was about to type something very similar but you said it all.

OP you deserve total gratitude from society for taking on a child. There aren't many who would. The biological pull is strong (Davina and Nicky Campbell on their programme showcase that very well) so its understandable they want to know their birth mother. Just give it time as Summer says.

Sometimes the story being given to the adoption agency isn’t always the truth. My aunt had to give her child for adoption. She had no choice.
Your child deserves to meet their birth parent.
Just because the mother lived a chaotic life then doesn’t mean she does now. Surely she has the right to get to know the child she gave birth too.
Maybe give it a chance. Get to know the birth mother. You might open your life to gain more than to lose something.

Thats not true. Their happy childhood will count for a lot.

But they're curious about where they come from no doubt, although going to live with them is a little extreme.

How old are they?

It doesn't count for nothing! It's just they're too emotionally immature to understand or appreciate what you've given them right now.

The pull of hoping you can 'fix' your birth mum and be a happy family has got to be strong for any child. Give them time, hopefully they will come to recognise and value the stability and love you gave them. Let them try this out graciously and be there if it falls apart.

Any children I know who have either been adopted or fostered (which admittedly is not a lot in the grand scheme of things) have returned or made contact with their birth families as soon as able, regardless of previous treatment or abuse by families.

I’m wondering why you think their childhood means nothing to them because they’ve built a relationship with their birth parents? Is it not possible for them to appreciate you, have a good relationship with both you and their birth parents? As you’ve found out, you don’t own them despite being their adoptive parents.

Do you still have a relationship with them? If not has something happened within your family that has caused them to turn their back on it? Addressing the cause of that will hopefully help you and your DC reunite too.

There will always be a desire to know their biological parents and to have a relationship with them, it’s ingrained. Even children that have been abused seek their parents love, it’s not your failing. I’m sorry you’re hurting

echo previous comments, OP but all forms
of parenting is thankless and the reason for that is - as someone else has said - you are their anchor and should feel incredibly proud of the selfless contribution you’ve made to your DCs. They will return to you

This must be incredibly difficult for you, especially knowing what you know.

How old is you dc now?

Must be incredibly difficult for you, but they will probably realise in time what a lucky escape they had from their natural birth parents. It's a very strong urge in a lot of adoptees to reconnect with their birth parents but rarely does it work out. Hold tight, I' m sure they will find their way back to you.