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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heart broken

117 replies

Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 13:06

We adopted a child at 16m. Now an adult , they have contacted and gone to live with birth mother.and step father. The reason for the adoption was domestic violence, rape, and incest in the family, mostly the birth fathers side but also the birth mother could have kept her children but chose the abusive partner and put all 4 of her children up for adoption. I'm gutted. Feel like a failure. Any advise?

OP posts:
Summerwhereareyou · 05/08/2023 21:23

Keep lines of communication open, don't let her know your judging...

The worst thing would be if she felt she wanted to leave but couldn't let you know. It sounds like a deeply worrying situation.

Summerwhereareyou · 05/08/2023 21:20

Hi op, of course it counts for something.

As painful as this is, this is their any journey.
Let the try it out and maybe they will love it and feel that missing piece is restored.

However.... Once the novelty dies down and the reality kicks in.... They will start to think...

"if you love something let it go. If it's doesn't matter come back it was never yours to begin with. If it returns it's yours forever" or something like that.

Keep busy and be patient.

SemperIdem · 05/08/2023 21:11

I’m so sorry op, this must be so hard to deal with.

I have known adult adoptees, much older than your child, they’re in their 50’s and of course adoption was done differently then. But they all struggled with not knowing their full history, one was particularly devastated when he did meet his birth mother as a young man, only to find she was exactly as toxic and damaging as he had been told. I think for some, they have to know for themselves.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 20:42

The step father has been with birth mother for 18 years and has a sen son of 17.They have a weird set up living in a 2 bed flat with son in one bedroom and bm in another. The last time I heard the step father was sleeping in the living room with my child (f 23). Sounds weird to me??

OP posts:
Prinnny · 05/08/2023 20:37

Bless you, this is why I could never adopt I don’t think I could cope with this happening! You did a wonderful thing and all you could do, I hope they come back to you.

Blueblell · 05/08/2023 20:19

Is the the current stepfather a new partner? I think it must be very painful, but I think people seek out their birth families instinctively. Your child is probably trying to work out painful things for themselves and will come back to you. Be patient that’s all you can do

izzy2076 · 05/08/2023 20:18

user1471447924 · 05/08/2023 19:34

As an adult who was adopted a child, I really resent the slight “they’re lucky to have been adopted” undertone to some of the responses here.

OP, this might just be something your DC needs to do for themselves. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you and how you’ve parented them at all, just part of them finding out for themselves who they are as a whole, independent young adult. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong at all.

Thank you. Yes as an adoptee, it's really hard to hear people talk about adoption as an act of altruism.

OP: this is very hard for you. No words of wisdom just recognition at how shitty you must be feeling. Even though you must feel like screaming into the void, I think you know already that she must not know that you feel like this. It's incredibly confusing for her and throwing guilt into the mix will really mess with her head.

The reunion isn't likely to end well once the initial feelings have calmed down and she will need you more than ever. She's not at a point (or an age!) where she can make sense of things properly yet either.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 20:16

Thanks, I needed that x

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 05/08/2023 20:14

Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 14:47

Thanks for.your messages. It just seems to be a whole world of pain. Their happy childhood and supportive upbringing seems.to count for nothing.

It counts, but you must realize they are missing a huge part of who they are.

they are very likely not doing it to hurt you, but to find out more about themselves.

Yhis type of attitude from family is why so many of us adoptees are fearful of looking for birth family

I hope your pain eases soon OP

CabSauv52 · 05/08/2023 20:02

Dear OP
I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling and I really think we need to talk more about adoption as a society, speaking as a non-expert 'normal' person who has supported friends who were adopted as children. I can only echo previous posters and intuit that this is NO reflection on you as a person or a parent - it is more likely to be your DC exploring her own identity as a separate person and young woman rather than consciously rebelling or rejecting you.

Keep the door open, keep talking. Up the selfcare and don't shit talk yourself. You have not failed nor does that amazing secure and loving base count for nothing. Please, please get as much support as you can for YOURSELF so you can process whatever schizzle this may have brought up for you.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:57

Thank you user 147 , I agree. I have always felt so grateful to have my children. I did not give birth to them but I did everything else. My other child does not want anything to do with the birth family. But I would support them if they did. I think that it is the belief that if things had been different, it would have worked out. But in reality it would have meant not having babies with paedophile four times when you could have walked away after the first. Sometimes women, who I completely support 99.9% of the time make absolutely shit choices.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 05/08/2023 19:49

I can't imagine how incredibly painful this must feel for you.

user1471447924 · 05/08/2023 19:34

As an adult who was adopted a child, I really resent the slight “they’re lucky to have been adopted” undertone to some of the responses here.

OP, this might just be something your DC needs to do for themselves. It’s not necessarily a reflection on you and how you’ve parented them at all, just part of them finding out for themselves who they are as a whole, independent young adult. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong at all.

MarmiteWine · 05/08/2023 19:33

I'm sorry to read this. A family member has adopted children and was devastated recently when one more or less moved out and seemed to want nothing to do with her.

She was helped by coming to understand that it wasn't about her, and wasn't a rejection, just that the child felt she needed to do what she was doing. Teenagers are innately selfish and driven by their own feelings in the moment, without considering the impact on others.

I'm happy to say they're on a much better footing again since the family member realised this. I hope you have a similar outcome.

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:29

Yes, I m sure that s probably the right thing to do. I did like the idea of having opinions from 'normal' people. Sometimes people In the know just reinforce abnormal behaviour 'in my opinion only'

OP posts:
CountTessa · 05/08/2023 19:28

I feel like you have given them a secure base to explore who they are. I also understand the basic need to know who your birth parents are.

This isn't about you. You haven't failed. You have given them opportunities they may never have had.

I hope and trust they will always see you as a super important person in their lives who gave them stability and options.

RicherThanYews · 05/08/2023 19:25

I'm sorry you're going through this Op. I was adopted by my Dad and when I was 24 I was curious about my soerm donor so when he contacted me I agreed to meet him, he was scum and I wish I hadn't. Hopefully your child will be back soon x

CharlieSays13 · 05/08/2023 19:22

Please ask for this to be moved to the adoption board OP, you will get good, balanced advice from people who understand adoption fully.

Gagaandgag · 05/08/2023 19:20

It absolutely doesn’t count for nothing OP. I can imagine it would feel that way but it is deeply untrue, be kind to yourself. Respect her choices, even if they upset you. Sending a big hug x

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:19

sorry fir the typos

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:16

They are 23. They have I am co cerned siblings 21, 25 and 26. They are all adults but I am concerned about the family history. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
xPeaceXx · 05/08/2023 19:11

@Deedeedoe that's trickier. You Don't want to send a message that all of this domestic abuse and incest and rape is par for the course. In my cousin's situation, it was just your basic young woman would have been shamed and left broke.

I would try and fake being "breezy" even though you must be anything but.

Could your child come home for "pizza night" once every ten days, or Thai Tuesday, or bake off, just so it's not a big deal to come back to your for a night.

act so relaxed about it.

Xx

Original poster
Deedeedoe · 05/08/2023 19:10

Sorry I ll just bow out.

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 05/08/2023 19:09

I agree it's the long game. You haven't said how old your child is now and whether you're still in contact?

BlastedIce · 05/08/2023 19:06

I’m sorry, I also agree it’s the long game

Keep communicating with them.

🌺