Heart broken

Can someone explain why people are offended over adoption being described as “a kind and selfless act” because it is isn’t it? You aren’t adopting to be mean and cruel? Taking on a child and supporting them financially and emotionally where their birth parents weren’t able to do so. I’m surprised people are downplaying the morals and commitment of adoption.

Was the BM abused herself? I only ask because while it's not an excuse for what she did and how she put her children at risk - if she came from a traumatic childhood herself then I don't think it's as simple to call her 'disgusting' and 'abnormal', she may have felt that she couldn't escape. Its very easy to look at things from an outside perspective and judge, but you can't walk a mile in that person's shoes.

That's not to say you shouldn't be concerned about your daughter of course, the living arrangement sounds very strange. Did she leave on good terms just wanting to find out more about her biological family? Or is there tension there which might be making her reluctant to come home if something is wrong? Has she had access to all of the reports and full knowledge of the circumstances around her adoption? Is she a fairly sensible 23 year old or immature?

I watched a programme about this years ago, the adopted child was given up by her parents who then went on to get married and have more children, she was brought up by her adopted parents in a very privileged life. Found the real birth parents and it was great for a year but then couldn't get passed the fact that they had given her up in the first place, she was like a stranger to them in the end compared to how they treated their other kids.

This sounds really painful for you. Hopefully the birth parents are new and shiny and your child is fascinated to find out all about their past. Stay strong , cracks will soon show and they’ll be back.

Your child is an adult and hopefully her normal upbringing will stand her in good stead to recognise what is not healthy and what is dangerous.
Have you spoken to her about her past - giving her details of abusive arrangements etc.?

Does she know what to watch out for?
Is she familiar with children who are not safe ie through a charity contact or through her work or education?

I would only hope that she will stay in contact with you and that you will be able to have frank discussions and stay as a person of refuge and safety.

Getting to know her siblings and parents will be a huge attraction for her. Can you afford to help her keep (or construct) an independence re her own living arrangements?
Can she get her own flat? Does she have a job?
If she doesn't have to live with the family she will have more control over her own safety and boundaries.

As an adoptive parent this is my worst fear. I know my child loves me but I would struggle so much to see them go back to a mother that was deemed incapable of putting their safety and emotional well-being in the centre of their thinking. I feel so much for you. I hope she comes home soon.

As an adoptee I’m Really struggling with this comment but can’t put into words why.

it’s making adoptees sound like three legged puppies.

Im sure you’re trying to be kind to OP, but please think about how you sound about the population you are speaking about

You saved her. Hopefully in time she will see that.

Sending you an unmsnetty hug OP. I can only imagine how hard this is and how painful.

It really really is no reflection on your parenting, or the bond that you and DD share.

IMO it is part of being human to be drawn to your birth family (unless you have clear and troubling memories from the past). This is not something that you could have prevented or changed.

It is also incredibly painful and complicated to be told that members of your birth family are 'bad' or 'wrong' in some way. This type of information is very hard to process and accept and sadly again human nature is to not want to believe it. As such i think that it can become a case of 'shoot the messenger' which can cause damage to the adoptive parent bond.

I hope she comes back to you soon OP.

I think they are trying to say it's pointless being judgemental to your adoptive dd as your dd won't have any memories of what you say to be true, if your judging the biological parents.

Being judgemental is the worst of MN sins. Even when it's a ridiculous response and people ought to bloody judge. Ignore.
But pointless doing it out loud as your child won't be able to square it with memory (too young at the time) or the version bio parents may now be selling.

I am so sorry. That is unbelievably unfair and must be very painful. I hope your baby comes home

While I can understand that some situations are difficult and there might be good reason for waiting until children are old enough to understand before sharing some aspects of their circumstances with them (conceived as a result of rape or sexual abuse, for example), I can’t think of any situation where it would be a good idea to deceive your adopted child (indefinitely?) into believing that you were their biological parent.

Are you concerned about her safety now OP?

And given the background of the family and adoption reasons, that's why I asked.

Some laws and some countries have different rules and I wasn't sure if this was a factor in the adoption process

Oh good grief. Really? Really!?

Did you have to tell them they were adopted or could that have been kept secret?

They want to connect with their Borth family. That's not a failure. That is a success. Support them ...you ate the person who has loved rhem and provided stability for them for years ... they will need it more rhan ever now... just more quietly. Keep loving ...

Thank you for capturing what I was feeling/thinking when I read that.

“You did a kind and selfless thing by adopting them when they needed yiu.”

Eww.

Honestly, it's difficult enough growing up as an adopted person, but then on top of that is the guilt of hurting your adoptive parents by wanting to have a relationship with your birth parents.
This guilt has stopped me having a relationship with my birth family. I probably would like to be so embraced by them though, that they wanted me to come and live with them and we could play happy reunited families!
Your children have obviously dived head first into this situation, but I imagine it will be short lived and the shine will wear off with time.
I did have the opportunity to find out who my birth mother was, which I did because I wanted to know my medical history, but the social worker did warn me of all the possible scenarios if we did meet and sexual attraction to relatives was one of these. I'm not suggesting that this is the case with your children, but just as an example of the feelings that can happen and case you to behave in a way you might not normally.

Absolutely not your fault. You did a kind and selfless thing by adopting them when they needed yiu. I used to work with a lot of young people who were either adopted or looked after/fostered. They all sought out their blood family as soon as they could, and formed relationships with them…. Even if their families were objectively awful. Blood is thicker than water.